The Hero Delusion

I recently posted something similar to this on the remorse board. While I have been feeling better, the delusions-not so much.

You see, throughout my entire childhood, I was a mean son of a bitch. Specifically, a delinquent. I enjoyed endlessly bullying my peers emotionally and physically while stealing whatever goods they had.

Even worse, if I suspected someone found out about my crimes and was stupid enough to report it then I would frame them. It always succeeded, much to my chagrin today. I was pretty much a sadist.

Now that I'm a young adult I feel absolutely horrible about the fact that I did all these crimes. Even worse is that besides my victims nobody else knows about them. My family thought of me as some sort of angel when in reality, it was a facade. I was a crook. So what did I do in order to seek redemption? I decided I would try to be a hero!

Here's where the topic of this thread comes in.

I was a hero all right. Whenever I tried to "help" someone it only caused that person harm. No matter how hard I tried to be a good person (or in this case a hero) I always ###$ up and became something of a bad luck charm towards my friends. Even so, I didn't stop. In fact, all I had to do was STOP and none of this would of happened. Yet I was so wrapped up in my hero delusion that I denied I was doing anything wrong. I had carried on in my quest to help people. And for what? It was obviously a failure. I was seeing only what I wanted to see – recognizing only the facts I desired to support my own version of reality – my own truth.

Even though I know this will never happen, I can't find a single person in my life who doesn't look at me as if I'm some sort of joke. Whenever I want to meet my therapist it gets postponed to a month later! It's my damn curse! And these damn delusions, they persist. A huge part of me still thinks it's liable. What can I do?

Can I please get a response?