Please Reply....DDJ and RJ, the Worst of both Worlds

Hi,
I’m seeking insight and please read and reply, thank you.

I (think) I suffer from obsessive delusional jealousy and I definitely suffer from an even much worse case of obsessive retroactive jealousy, aka, RJ (RJ is an extreme jealousy and obsession of a partner’s past sexual relationships). It is very cyclic and comes and goes. Lately it has been very active to the point of severe emotional outbursts (to myself in private) and depression (weight loss, no motivation etc). As far as the DDJ, I have in the past, strongly though she was cheating (with no evidence but "gut feelings", "clues & coincidences" but have been able to keep those thought under control. The combination of DDJ (thinking she is lying) and the RJ, obsessed with her past results in me being obsessed that she is lying about her past. I've been this way with most serious relationships I;ve had for the past 20 years

I’m asking, can anyone tell me are DDJ accusers usually obsessed with the past sexual history of their partners and then once they find out what the past history of their partner is, does the DDJ believes the significant other is hiding some details from the DDJ person? That is exactly what I do. I have become overly obsessed with my GF’s past relationships (I obsess about the number of past sexual partners, 7 people and what she did with them) and then I ask her if she is hiding anymore from me. When she says “No, I told you the truth before” I don’t believe her and I feel she is lying to me. Then to make it much worse (and fuel my fire) I become hyper-vigilant about her telling the truth about ANYTHING and if there is a hint of her not being honest I start to obsess she is lying about her past…..
For example:
She recently told a “white lie” to someone and it bothered the hell out of me. This made me think she could be lying about the sexual partners example in the paragraph above. I know it is type of projection on my part but do DDJ usually project like this and become hyper-vigilant about any type of “lie”.

My current g/f told me she had a lot of guy friends at one point before we met…I asked her if she had
Summary
Are DDJs also obsessed with sexual past of partner?
Are DDJs intolerant of any perceived "white lie"
Do DDJs continue to not believe partner regardless of truth being told or overwhelming evidence to the contrary?
When accused "just agrees" to keep the accuser “at bay”, does the accuser’s mistrust grow and consider it deceitful?

Thank you for reading.

I'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. Have you seen a doctor or psychiatrist? There are medications that can help with this. The longer symptoms go untreated, in my humble experience, the worse it gets. I have had delusions of love over the years. Mostly about a physician. I'll assure you nothing gets you treatment faster than getting this for your doctor. But on a serious note, I do encourage you to seek care for your symptoms. No amount of logic or reason will bring this brain disorder under control. The emotional logic during a bout of this delusional illness is intense, and feels so real it is hard to explain to a sane person what it feels like. I'd recommend making a list of stories that show when you feel you've lost touch, and share them with a healthcare provider. That is the best way to get help.
Hope that helps,
Sunny

Hi,

Your obsession is not about past or present. Your obsession is about your g/f. And your mind revolves around your girl. For you, your brain is fixed to what your girl is up to, what is she thinking about the guy in the office, how would she have behaved with her ex in past, what would be she doing at work, will she be erotically thinking about the my neighbor. One after the other the suspicions takes place and your mind will never be able to free-up your self from those suspicions.

You try to resolve one suspicion and let's say by luck you're able to resolve it. Your brain will raise another suspicion. It can be past, it can be present. Doesn't matter. Your mind has to be occupied with something about your girl. That's how DDJ brain is designed. And unfortunately, science hasn't yet understood enough of this disease, because largely it has gone undetected and people suffering don't have an insight on what they're suffering with. Anti-psychotics can relieve your pain for a period of time, but it doesn't resolve your underlying anxiety about your spouse/gf. And once you stop anti-psychotics those thoughts will again pop-up. It's a disgusting feeling I know, but at this point is non-curable. Try to learn techniques to divert your thought process in something you like about your life. Try to bring your attention to something you like about your girl. Diverting your thoughts at this point is the best solution to your problem. I know its easier said then done. But for now this is the best hope!

Are DDJs also obsessed with sexual past of partner?

In my experience with my DDJ husband, who I have been with over 12 years, yes. I feel he was like that from the beginning when he was just jealous, before the DDJ developed. Once the DDJ onset... he would have happily moved away so we would never see anyone I have ever had even a friendship with before. He believed that was part of the problem, and still probably thinks to this day that we could move away and "start over" and everything would be perfect. He would become visibly angry when thinking about it. He would not even want me to look on Facebook, because "Eventually your gonna see someone you have no business seeing."

Are DDJs intolerant of any perceived "white lie"...
I am not sure, but I would think so, I would think this would "set them off". I do not lie, and my husband would tell you that right now, yet the DDJ always gets the best of him, and constantly insinuates that I am lying. Then I would say, do you think I'm lying?? He would think for a minute, and then say no. But the thought would still be there.

Do DDJs continue to not believe partner regardless of truth being told or overwhelming evidence to the contrary?

Absolutely 100%. When confronted with irrefutable evidence, it seems to set him him on a quest for his new "theory" to focus on. Example: I found out, after the fact but before the results came in, that my husband had sent some of my clothing I wore to work off to a DNA lab, to have them checked for another mans DNA. When I was angry, he was shocked. He was so happy. He was 100% sure he had "caught me", he KNEW there was someone else's DNA on the clothing. He thought I would be happy too.. because " When it comes back that there is another man's DNA, I can move on and know I was right, and forget about you. If it comes back that there isn't another man's DNA, then I will know for sure that I need help, that I have been doing this to you for no reason." One of his small short moments of insight into the world of hell that I lived in. Of course, the DNA results came back negative... but did NOTHING to change either one of our situations.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey. Your insight seems to be very good and I would imagine that is going to be VERY helpful in your treatment. Behavioral Therapy where you can try to stop the thoughts or focus on something else seems like it would be a great fit for you, since you can tell when you are in a delusion, you may be able to stop it! Or at least make the effort to not project it onto your partners and ruin your relationships a little easier. This illness is so self destructive and unfair and I am so sorry for you and everyone affected by it.

"Do DDJs continue to not believe partner regardless of truth being told or overwhelming evidence to the contrary?"

Absolutely! DDJs don't need any evidence to firmly believe their partner has been unfaithful. Any evidence to the contrary will just be ignored or rationalized away. Any innocuous piece of data can also be construed as "evidence".

The fact that you are asking questions and have some insight is a big plus. Seek immediate help from a therapist with expertise in this area.

I am a current sufferer of DDJ and have struggled for 4 years with the whole "is it a lie or the truth" scenario. It has honestly been to the stage where my other half has been to the loo and i have thought she has a secret phone in there to make calls to the lover i believed she was involved with.Recording the house on an iPad app during the day to see if she has come home,laying the duvet a certain way to see if it has been moved and taking photographs as evidence.I have had semen test kits and wondered if my kids are mine.
I have over the last 4 years tried a large variety of medications and therapies.
Thankfully I am on the mend, It has taken an extremely understanding wife and a lot of patience on both parts. At the moment, i don like my wife to have a house key and am anxious if she is away for a whole day with work but its getting better.
I managed to find an antipsychotic ( risperadone) that worked for me and a lot, and i mean a lot of cognitive behavioural therapy and a psych nurse at the end of a phone or to meet the helped me through to the stage that i am at now. I am not completely well but am a different man than the psychotic mess i was a couple of years ago. there is definitely hope that things will improve,