Can't get rid of my delusion

Hi everyone,

I am new to this website and this is my first post. I'll start off describing a little about my self, I'm 27 years old unemployed and still living in my parents house. I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2010 and have been taking medication for this. I moved to Canada when I was 1.5 and stayed there until I was 12. I then moved back to my home country and studied at the International School. I would like to say that I was a popular kid and hung out with the cool kids, I smoked cigarettes and did drugs... I had a girlfriend and life couldn't get any better. But things didn't look too good during college, I went to a friend's house and took ecstasy. This was the trigger for my schizophrenia and delusional thoughts. That is when all of this began. I've lost all of my friends.

It may sound disgusting but my delusion is that I am supposed to marry my cousin. I cannot get rid of this delusion despite seeing multiple psychiatrists. There are many pieces of the puzzle that make me believe in this. When I was younger my cousin made me promise her that I would wait until I was 18 to have sex. At the time I did not think much about this but after I was diagnosed with schizophrenia this has been a key piece in my delusion. My cousin and I worked for the same company for a few years and I kept getting the feeling that she was trying to seduce me and make me feel jealous. I then summed up the courage to tell her that I loved her and that destroyed our relationship. She has not talked to me since and I lost all of my friends after this. I believe that it is an arranged marriage between our families and that one day my friends and family will surprise me and I will live a life of happiness and prosperity. I recently believed that it would happen on 2012 12/21 and now I believe that it will happen on my 30th birthday.

It was painful enough the first time when nothing happened, the anticipation and belief is too much to bare. I do not want to go through that again. I know that my delusion will continue after my 30th birthday, the date will just change.

Please looking for advice. I've tried medication and therapy but nothing has helped. I do not want to believe in this anymore. I want to move on with my life... maybe find a girlfriend or something like that.

I'm so sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. If you can hold onto your hope for love and transition that hope into real realationships, not your cousin, I think you'll feel better. Try to join NAMI or other mental health support groups with people who can relate, or post here. There are lots of us who struggle with this. You're not alone.

Know that there is a boundary between you and your cousin and right now you're focusing your hope on that going away... I know how that feels, I've totally been there. Keep writing about it. I found writing a narrative I can live with was the best tool for learning to live with this disease. I've written about it to the point that I created a book, it will be published this fall, and it is helping me to move beyond the hope for the love of someone who is forbidden to love me back, much like your cousin. I mean it is illegal in many places to marry a cousin. For me it was about loving my physician, I mean, if he loved me back he'd lose his license. So it isn't going to happen. I accept that, and on my good days I've given up on romantic love. On the bad days, thankfully it passes in short stretches, but I take the medication, which helps prevent new delusions from forming. I encourage you to follow your psychiatric providers recommended therapy. It can be very beneficial in the long term.

But the most important thing is that you don't have to give up on hope for being loved. You can build new relationships that can sustain you. I was able to find good people to help me feel connected and who listen to me. They remind me that the physician will never love me. That was so hard to hear early in the disease, but after years of medication and time to mend my love has matured, I'm letting go of the memory of the physician's love. I suppose I'm about ten years into this thing. It takes time to get better. But with care, and sustained hope, I believe you will find love someday. I've found learning to love myself was an important part of that. Also, learning to accept the love of friends and family, and learning to craft a narrative I can live with. You are a good writer... I hope you'll use that skill to find your way through this rough patch. I wish you the light from hope and love to guide you through your darkness. In "recovery" the early days are called the dark days. There is a reason for that. I don't identify with recovery as much as managing my illness, or learning to Live with it.

Sunny