Where is my mind? Seriously though

First post on this website, or any online forum actually..just a forewarning..this may be a lengthy post so thanks to anyone who will read it and hopefully reply.
I'm pretty confused about what's been going on with my thought patterns recently. I've had some very high anxiety levels, depersonalization, depression these past few months. I came here to hopefully get some clarity or at least someone who can understand what I'm going through.

So my biggest fear is going crazy. I know it's practically impossible to actually make yourself go crazy, but I still literally feel like I'm in the process of it right now. Through the past couple months of constant negative thinking, I just literally don't know what to think about anymore because my negative thoughts are too powerful to stop from coming in. It's caused me some severe insomnia, questioning reality, and the worst part: not being able to focus on anything let alone relax at the end of the day. It's simply the inability to let my mind naturally think pure authentic thoughts without questioning them. To me, the concept of "thinking" and one's "mind" is just too f**cking weird. I'm always asking myself how did I used to think before all this started happening..and of course that never fails to get me pretty depressed.

Another thing I always tend to worry about is getting something negative stuck in my head that I don't want there. Thoughts that could easily manifest my mind like "suicide" or images of horrific things. Basically, thoughts I would never think but my mind brings them in as some way of torturing myself. That's the stuff that can keep me up all night giving way to panic attacks that make the next day even more grueling than the one before. I know it'd be so easy just to let my mind be at ease with itself and let it do it's thing, but it almost feels like I'm doing it voluntarily for some strange reason, and that's the scariest part. For example, one day I said to myself, what would happen if I had a panic attack right now? And of course, I wound up with one for a couple hours..I scared myself straight.

In the past few weeks, it's been something I've thought about every hour of every day. I just can't let my mind relax from all these anxious thoughts, which most of the time are about my future and where I'll be. I have some bad social anxiety as well which makes me overthink all my relationships and conversing with my friends and family. It used to be I would have these anxious thoughts only when I was alone but now my anxious thoughts are bursting into activities I used to whole-heartedly enjoy like writing music, hanging with friends, hiking, and concerts. I literally overthink everything, and now that I can barely enjoy the things I used to, I feel robbed. It's getting to the point where I'm starting to contemplate mental institutions and if I'm going to belong in one in the future.

I can barely hold my focus when I'm conversing with people, with these intrusive thoughts breaking into my self inflicting mind. My other biggest fear is living with all this commotion in my head for the rest of my life. I will end up a loner with no-one around me if these thought patterns prevail. Thinking really is just too weird of a concept for my scattered mind to handle anymore.

Anyone else ever go through something similar? Their mind torturing them for no real trigger or reason? I've always been an over thinker but this is taking it to a whole other level..haha any feedback would be great. If what I have is something serious please let me down easy.. I just need some advice. thanks everyone

Hi,

I'm really sorry about what you're going through. Remember, you are not your thoughts. There's more to you than this and you know it. Don't be ashamed or afraid of the intrusive thoughts. We all suffer from our thinking to one degree or another, even those of us who would claim to be perfectly A-OK and balanced. The mind is the root of all suffering! Not just for you but for every average guy you see walking down the street.

Are you or have you ever been to a doctor or therapist about this? Have you considered taking medication, even temporarily, to get enough footing so that you can work with your thoughts with the help of a counselor or doctor?

You can get through this. Think of this as a hike. You're lost. Would you just stop walking? No, you'd work through ways of finding your trail again. Take a deep breath, consider some avenues of help, and give them a try. Much like hiking (excuse my hokey use of metaphor ), getting well and working with your mind will take a long while and there will be times when you're tired of putting in the work. But keep going! It's so very within your reach.

Keep checking in....

I think you might find this episode on NPR really interesting. The Secret History of Thoughts - http://www.npr.org/programs/invisibilia/375927143/the-secret-history-of-thoughts?showDate=2015-01-09

@ bad_dream

I've talked to a few people about the constant negative thoughts but never the suicide thing. I don't want people to get the impression that I'm actually suicidal and have them freak out and think all differently about me cause that's not the case. It's just like my mind knows that it can bombard itself with these manifesting thoughts anytime it wants so it's really been keeping me on edge. I'm looking into good psychologists but they're hard to come by in my area, it always seems to be such a process to find the ideal one who will take my insurance as well.

I also have an appointment with my doctor in a few days to talk about anxiety medication. I think he's under the impression that it's just regular anxiety, and maybe it is..but I'm indifferent about taking medication if it won't stop these negative thoughts. That's the thing that bums me out..I feel like no matter that medication..it won't be able to stop the intruding thoughts. He was thinking about putting me on a type of sedative for it I think? Do you know any good medications that could help? I don't even know if I can label my problem as anxiety is the thing..

Hi Mr Darko,

I'm so glad to hear that you are taking the first steps to finding a psychologist who fits your needs, and that you're at least going to give meds a chance.

I'm not a doctor, but your post caught my eye because you sound so much like someone I know and care cery much about who is struggling with the same sort of problems. That person was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and OCD (which is a type of anxiety disorder as well). Take a peek in the OCD forum to see if other people's posts remind you of your own thought patterns. Again, I have no expertise whatsoever, but what you say about constantly questioning your thoughts, and having intrusive thoughts, sound like textbook OCD. You can have the disorder without having compulsions-- it's called Pure-O.

If I can mention something that's worked for me when I get "hung up" on a particular train of thought....you ought to look into Mindfulness Meditation. I'm not suggesting it as an alternative to meds or a psychologist, to be clear. Just as another weapon in your Swiss army knife against your invading thoughts.

I won't try to explain it here but if you Google "mindfulness meditation" or look on YouTube, there are a bunch of great resources. Basically, it teaches you how to not get carried away by your thoughts, and to live in the present moment a bit more.

Again, since you're experiencing other anxiety and psychological symptoms as well, it's imperative to get to a good doctor. The right combination of the right medication and therapy with a doctor you like is going to get you feeling much more like yourself.

Do you feel OK enough to go for walks, listen to music, write music at all? These sorts of things force you to pay at least a bit of attention to the "here and now", even if it's just to look both ways before crossing the street! Pay attention to, and acknowledge the little moments each day where you feel OK. Notice those and notice how nothing bad happened by letting go of your thoughts for a moment.

Really cheering for you. Keep posting!

@ bad_dream

First off, bad_dream I want to thank you for your quick responses. It means a lot that someone is listening to me on this matter.

And yeah, I still do enjoy many things everyday like playing music and watching movies and whatnot. It doesn't completely stop my intruding thoughts. I think I'm going to try to make a point to meditate everyday for at least 15 minutes before I start my day. Sometimes my anxious thoughts are worse in the morning probably due to knowing I have a whole day ahead of me where I'm going to be fighting these thoughts off. So I'm hoping meditation can help to curve this. I'm honestly terrified of going back to college 2 and a half hours away. Although maybe it'll give me time to figure myself out.

Hi Mr Darko,

I'm glad to hear that you do have plenty of good moments throughout your day. Definitely recognize those when they happen, and take note of what in particular makes you feel best. What kind of music do you play?

I think what you mentioned about your anxiety being worse in the morning is pretty common among people with anxiety disorder. How about when your day actually gets underway?

I don't have an anxiety disorder but I find that my worries ir any bad feelings I might have, catch up with me at night. So I try to have a project to work on, or sit and talk with my roommate, or read instead of thinking myself crazy.

Glad you're going to try meditation. Like I mentioned, if you're suffering pretty bad, there could very well be a chemical imbalance that would be drastically helped with meds. Look into it. However, meditation can only help! When I started, I went on YouTube and found a teacher/style I liked. Then I went to a local place and got more instruction.

I think that the turning point for me with meditation was when I discovered that the power of the practice shows itself not so much during the 15 minutes when you're sitting there each night, but rather during the course of your day when you're faced with an intrusive thought or bad feeling and can let it go more easily because of the practice you're getting in the intensive 15 minute sessions.

In the style of meditation I am familiar with, there's a lot of talk of "warriorship". At first it sounds funny because what seems more passive than sitting in meditation? But anyone who's struggled with their thoughts, impulses and emotions knows that there is nothing braver (and nothing harder!) than to stand up to your negative thoughts by not giving them credence. You just sit there and watch this whole parade of monsters in your mind come out and try to scare you, but you do not leave your seat to run away or to follow them. You just acknowledge them but you don't make conversation with them, so to speak.

No wonder you're feeling worse lately if you have a big change coming up (going back to school). That's completely a normal reason to be stressed. How was college before? It's possible once you get back and get acclimated, you'll feel a lot better.

One last thought to leave you with, and I really believe in this: have a little faith in yourself and in this world. Remember that you are capable of great things and that unexpected wonderful things can happen to you too. Keep your eyes open for the good stuff. Keep posting!

@bad_dream

I do find that meditation is helping at least a little bit, as well as exercising. I still haven't gotten aboard with the medication at all due to my fear that it'll screw up my mind even worse with all the side effects and what not. The thing is, I've forgotten how to think naturally anymore and it's really getting to me. Like, I keep asking myself how can I possibly come back from all this and just be myself again? It just seems nearly impossible to me..I know that sounds cynical but I could see myself getting better at some point and then one day I'll think back to this whole "phase" I went through..and that could start it up all over again. I know I just have to let it all be and stop worrying about every intrusive thought..but it's really depressing all the time seeing people around me all the time just carrying on their life while there's so much turmoil going on inside my head. How do I get over that constant worry if I'll ever get better? It's all such a vicious cycle..

Once again, thanks for the replies!

Hi Mr. Dakota,
I'm sorry to hear you aren't doing well. I have about 10 years experience with this condition. Eventually they changed my diagnosis, but getting effective care, whether you're like Susan Callahan and get a novel immuno therapy to fight an autoimmune disorder, or your like me and respond to the atypical antipsychotics... for some of us the medications are life saving. Granted, it isn't like they do any formal testing to determine the cause of the disease at the outset...

My mind took in all the delusions and corrupted my memory banks while I went untreated for 6 months from 2005-2006. Those delusions are the hardest for me to sort out.

Today I work, and have a good life, but I received early treatment and intervention with effective meds every time I've broken since then. I suggest you work with your psychiatrist and see if you are helped by medication. It can take time to build up a tolerance to living with the medication, and some of the side effects make me shudder at the thought of certain meds for me. But what else are you going to do? If you're losing touch, psychosis cannot be controlled with will power. It is biological, not our fault that we are ill, but is our issue if we don't try to find a cure or effective therapy to treat it. Do yourself a favor and try medications. They can help. They work for me most of the time. I rarely have symptoms when I take the medication every day.

Sunny

Hey Mr Darko,

I agree with Sunny. I think you should give meds a fair chance. It's premature and a bit defeatist to rule out meds before you've even been prescribed any, especially since you KNOW you're in trouble. I think you ought to talk frankly with your doc about your concerns if you are worried about the effects of a particular drug. If you are prescribed something and you don't like how it's making you feel, your doctor is there to change dosage or medication.

I found this site because my ex was like you, but fast-forward 22 years of avoiding treatment after his first episode, which happened in his sophomore year of college (he's 44 now). He got so good at hiding his illness that even I didn't know about it until it turned him against me. And like you he was resentful of the "wall" that his illness had put between him and "normal" people.

All I can say as one of the "lucky ones" is that we all carry burdens of one kind or another, and we are all dealt a crap hand at one point or another....even the people you see carrying on their seemingly wonderful lives. We can't control what happens to us (certainly not something like mental illness)-- only how we respond to it. I know it must be a royal pain to have to research doctors and the like, but the sooner you get this under control, the sooner you can go back to the life you enjoyed up til very recently.

Doing nothing ain't gonna lead to better days. Give yourself a chance.