Trying to Cope with Mom's DD

As I write this, I get worried that my mother will somehow find it and realize that I actually do not believe what she tells me because in truth, they are delusions.

My mom is in her 50's and she is the most wonderful human being I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. She is selfless, funny, and kind as can be; but the woman who I call mom now is not that woman.

About five years ago some events transpired that caused my mom to essentially breakdown. She was crying every day, behaving inappropriately, and accusing people of things that were not true. As the years went by, her new behavior (which was still inappropriate) became the new normal. We have all tiptoed around her because we are too afraid to tell her that we do not think that what she is saying is true. Things are now back to how they were five years ago. In short, my mom believes that a relative of mine may have a disease because she was tested positive for it a year ago. In the time since, the relative has had two negative tests. She refuses to believe that the two negative tests are valid. When my father went to visit the relative, she told him he could never see us again because he could "infect" us.

Most of my mom's delusions are about my father. She claims that he is an addict, that he is mean to her, that she has found incriminating items in his briefcase like a woman's thong, amongst other ludicrous allegations. Due to my confusion, I spoke to my fathers psychiatrist. He informed me that my father is not an addict and has done everything in his power to prove he is not an addict including taking a medication that would cause him to violently throw up if he was on any medication. This same doctor told me that he believes my mother has delusional disorder. My mom claims that this doctor told her that my dad is an addict. Everything is twisted.

I cannot begin to explain how hard this has been for me. My mom is a woman in her 50's who behaves like a ten year old. She refuses to believe information that is right in front of her. She cries constantly, makes me feel like a horrible daughter, and self-pities 24/7. I think what has been really hard for me is my father is technically my stepfather but he is the one who raised me. Still, I am not as close to him as I am with my mom. My mom was my best friend, confidant, my everything. The woman I called my best friend is gone and in her place is this woman who I barely recognize.

To give a better idea of her symptoms I will list them. Honestly, I just need someone to talk to because I feel like I am going to lose it.

1. Paranoia- My mom tracks my dad's bank statements. When she saw a transaction from a restaurant near where I live, she began to question me about it. Did I see him? Yes. Am I going to tell her that? Absolutely not. She also checks his email and changed the locks to her bedroom door out of fear that my father will come into her room.

2. Emotional instability- My mom will cry multiple times a day and the crying can be set off by the most insignificant events or comments. She recently got a pet, similar to a fish, and worries about it like it is her daughter. One time the pet was not moving at night (it was sleeping), and she began to SOB uncontrollably. A weird thing about her emotions is that she can start crying and then stop very quickly, like at the drop of the hart.

3. Delusions- She is so convinced that her delusions are true that concrete evidence will not even convince her otherwise. Years ago she was convinced that I had certain ailments despite the doctors telling me that I did not. When I approached her, she told me the doctor lied to me because he did not want to scare me about my ailments.

4. Poor decision making- My mother will drive with an open container of alcohol in her cup holder. She has had two accidents/fender benders in the past three months. She gives her information out to total strangers.

5. Rambling- My mom cannot stay on one topic if her life depended on it. I will have unbearable conversations that will last for over an hour with her jumping from one topic to the next so quick that it is hard to keep track. She also will not say goodbye when she is told that the person on the other line has to go, she will just keep talking.

6. Needs to be right- If someone disagrees with my mother, she gets angry and will basically force them to apologize. Her beliefs always have to be correct. Meanwhile, she always says that she is the first one to apologize or listen to others; that is not the case.

If anyone can provide insight, advice, stories, ANYTHING, I will be so grateful. I feel like I am turning into stone to protect myself from the hurt stemming from my mother's illness.

Thank you.

Hi helponeanother45,
I'm sorry you have to go through this. For some people treatment can be helpful, but the longer delusions go untreated the more ingrained they become in my experience.

I'm not a doctor, but it sounds like there are some mood elements going on too.

Having people listen and getting help for yourself will help you stay sane dealing with another person's psychosis is valuable.

My insight came from people's nonverbal response to me and what they call "insight". I knew when I was inappropriate (well mostly anyway, I still talk about my story with almost anyone, something my close friends are uncomfortable with, but I need more support than anyone I know dealing with the memories of psychosis, and everything). So, you are probably feeling really burnt out if you are one of your mother's only supports.

A few recommendations:
1. Avoid direct confrontation of the delusion. Saying confrontational things will harm your relationship.
2. Change the subject.
3. Don't hide your response to her delusions. Just don't lash out verbally or try to defeat her with logic. From my experience emotions are the pathway of delusions. You can use nonverbal communication effectively to relay things that she wont pick up with words.
4. Oh, Read that guy eveyone talks about "I'm not sick and I don't need help." There is a whole youtube series that is outstanding.
5. Your not alone. We all have family, and lots of us are out here. And many of us live well in recovery with effective medications. So there is hope, although I've heard 1/3 get better, 1/3 get worse, and 1/3 stay the same. Hope your mom gets better.
Sunny

I'm not a doctor, but I wonder if there is more going on than DD. Has she seen a physician and had tests for something functional?

Dear helponeanother45,

I am so sorry about the loss you are experiencing. Your mother sounds like she was such a wonderful person it is so sad that she is changing in these horrible ways.

My marriage ended because my x-husband developed delusional jealousy. I'm sorry I don't have any brilliant advice to give but Sunnyg has given some good advice. But please take care of your self.

The sadness of your post struck me and I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. There are many others here that have walked this road and come through. I wish you well.

Hi,

As I sit here and read your post my face is wet with tears, my mother seems to be going through the same thing. Her delusions started about 6 months ago. At first I thought she was just being silly. She can sometimes be confusing. Until she started talki g about millions of dollars she had won, her best friend who believes my mother has slept with her husband and a love relationship between her and her doctor, people following her.. It goes on and on . Once I started questioning her and looking for answers I discovered that much if what she had told me the past couple months was not true. She has created an entire world around her

This has been very painful for me. My mom and I were best friends and now the person I knew my entire life isn't there. The person I talk to is distant, in concerned with my life, defensive and cold. She often cries too and pushes me away.

She has not been diagnosed and refuses to get any treatment. She doesnt have tons of family and allot of the weight rest on my shoulders for her care. tomorrow I will try, once again, to get her to see someone.

I have found it helpful in the past few months to plan things for her and I to do together. We get our nails done, go to the movies, or go see a play. I do everything that requires little talking and little stress for her. I don't agree with her delusions but I try not to push her and questions her. It seems to help when I make our visits stress free and fun for her. This can also be confusing because often I leave feeling like things are normal, I have to remind myself she is still sick.

You aren't alone. This is horrible. Thinking of you.

Jackie attack