Ignore mom's delusions or let mom rant?

My mom is 70 and has delusional disorder and possible dementia. She doesn't see a doctor or therapist because she doesn't trust them or believe she is MI. In fact, her doctors said never to let her know she is delusional because she will react very, very badly and completely lose her trust in us. We all think they are right. We got her to see a doctor by saying it was to treat her depression. She was on risperidol and switched to seroquel but believed she had very bad reactions to both. Even now she likens any bad feeling to being on those medications.

We noticed anxiety and out of control blood sugar are the trigger for the delusions, so we try our best to make sure she is keeping herself healthy. She is an anxious person, and many things get her mind going. For example, being nervous about watching a grandson chew a big mouthful of food can cause her to spiral. The older she gets, the more frequent and "creative" the delusions have become.

Anyways, when she is having an episode, is it better to ignore her or listen to her? Often her delusions about my dad. Sometimes they are about demons and ghosts or people stealing stuff. Quite frankly I am at my limit of listening to her when she goes off on my dad. For as long as I can remember I chose to listen to her to let her get it out of her system, but now I feel like changing tactics and ignoring her phone calls when she is in this state. But then I feel bad for my dad because he is always with her and most likely getting yelled at by her. I feel like I should be buffer, so my dad can catch a break. My sister stopped taking her "crazy" calls years ago.

Also, she has told me many times that talking to me helps her feel better. Talking, as in me not saying much, as she goes on for an hour+. Unfortunately, I think I reached my limit, and I can't listen anymore.

How do you help out during an episode? How do you help the family member who suffers the brunt of the episodes?

My mom was nearly 70 when she developed delusions, though we see now she likely had personality tendencies all along. Anyway, it took us years of trying to 'solve' the problem, and eventually a 2-week hospitalization where she went willingly to be 'safe' from her now-ex-husband whom she thought was trying to kill her. It is 2 years from that time now. (You can do a search on my user name to see posts of mine from that time period.) We learned not to engage in conversations involving delusions. At first, when her behavior was troubling, I would let her go on and on because I was learning about what she was thinking, looking for signs of her plans or intentions. We were very afraid, and documenting what she said or did, knowing there could be (and still could be) reason to present such accounts to a police officer or court or psychiatrist...

When her behavior calmed, I began, on advice from professional mental health people, to tell her we cannot talk about that, or that I won't talk about that. I even hung up on her a couple times and walked out of her place once. To continue was causing stress for me, which is unfair for my own family, and unfair for me. Once in a while she still mentions something, still wanting to convince me that everything she thinks is true. I just don't reply, change the subject.

She now sees a counselor and takes antidepressant, and her counselor knows about the delusions and must be amazing at keeping her going there. I know they must walk a fine line between supporting the delusions or refuting them. If they refuted her delusions, she would definitely choose to not go there! They focus on keeping her positive and not dwelling and doing proactive things to help her lead a better life - active, hobbies, etc. My mom is willing to see the counselor due to the stress she's under 'because of' her ex-husband. She also was on seroquel but didn't like the side effects, and knows it's for psychosis, says she doesn't have that, so she stopped taking it. Even being on it for a few weeks, there was no reduction in the delusions anyway.

We were extremely worried about her spouse. He was the focus of her delusions, still is though they haven't even seen each other in two years. He had to put up with her rants and accusations nearly daily. It was causing some stress health issues for him. We let him know that we know and understand about her illness, and tried to fill him in on what we've learned about it, what others have been through, and how to best respond. We let him know he can move in to our spare room if needed. He always declined. Her delusions ultimately escalated to where they had to divorce, not his choice, she thought he was planning to kill her and she left under a police escort to my house.

We also learned we can contact the police ahead of time to let them know this person has delusions. They have a file, and have a mental health unit that can help, though they must give priority to persons very much in danger of hurting someone, since no one contacted us or my mom.

Anyway, I found that allowing her to go on and on about thoughts about someone's ill-intents, and linking all kinds of things the person ever said or ways they looked as proof, was worse. (And if I tried to convince her to look at things differently, or state I don't think that's what happened, it would be worse because then she'd get angry with me.) I think it has been better to stop the conversation and distract to another subject. My mom has calmed more now, but for a while I almost frantically kept talking and moving around, keeping the topic about my kids, or funny things, or how best to do a chore, asking her 'safe' questions like that, to avoid any chance of her bringing up a delusion thought.

Hope that helps.

Sanmom, your story sounds very similar to mine. My mother, in her 60s, has accused my father of poisoning her food and drink, pumping poisonous gas into the walls of her room, tapping the phones, and other nefarious activities. They still live together, and daily she interrogates him over her accusations, trying to find changes in his stories. One time when she was accusing him of something again, he became frustrated and apparently said, "If you think I did that, you need to call the police." To me, that sounds like a normal sarcastic response; to her it's "THE CONFESSION".

She also believes that she has a deadly disease, and that her doctors are withholding the truth from her. Why would ALL of the doctors hide a serious illness from her? It doesn't make sense to me. One doctor must have failed to diagnose her, and now the other doctors are covering for the first doctor. (ALL of them???) She believes that whatever disease she has, she caught it from my father, and that he's trying to off her to hide the fact that he gave it to her. And how did he catch the disease? Well he must have slept around obviously. With women and with men.

Her fears flare up when she's under a lot of stress. She's a worrier. If one of her kids has a problem, her anxiety increases, and then her suspicions about my dad seem to rise, and has a greater need to talk about them. Talk about them to me, that is. I can hear her "anxiety voice" as soon as I pick up the phone and she says "hello". Then I know I'm going to be in for another hour (maybe even two hours) of the same rehashed stories for the millionth time. Many times, I barely even say a word after I say "hello". She doesn't notice. She's rambling on about my dad and her "evidence", as if she's in a trance. I just put the phone on speaker, and continue with cleaning my house, doing work on my computer, etc. I even leave the room for a few minutes at a time to complete tasks. She doesn't notice.

In every other aspect of her life, she seems completely normal. She's outgoing, smart, funny, and nice. But every time I talk to her, I have to make a constant conscious effort to steer the conversation away from her hot topics. I strive to keep keep the conversation focused on her hobbies, the weather, current events, etc. It's exhausting, really. And as much as it annoys me to have to listen to the same accusations over and over again, to be the sounding board as she selfishly unloads on me (see "emotional vampire"), I feel so sad for her when I hear the fear in her voice and her voice starts shaking, and she sounds like she's going to cry because she thinks my dad is going to kill her as soon as he can. Of course, if I have any problems I can't share them with her, because then she will worry, her anxiety will increase, and that will just exacerbate all of the above.

Wow, I typed more than I thought I would. And really, I could have typed 10 times as much. I feel better to get this out. I've mainly lurked, and having read sanmom's story, I don't feel so alone. Still, after a week or so, I will probably come back and edit this post to remove a lot of the details that could be recognizable to her or her family. If she ever read this... wow.

Hi,
This is a suggestion, try to encourage your mother by redirecting conversation to things she enjoys doing when delusions are flaring up. Or make up something fun to talk about. Does she like old books or movies?. Talk about other things, maneuver away from the discussion. Listening to delusions is tough. The emotional reality is so real for her. You may want to say, mom, I love you, but I want to talk about something else. Try to avoid endulging her unless she is afraid, then I always feel better when people help me out and reassure me that I'm safe.
Sunny

I dont mean to intrude in here but after reading this post, it occurred to me that my mom might be delusional as opposed to her having hyper-anxiety disorder as she thinks herself to be. She is 58 years old and is forever going on and on about how my dad was disrespecting her by getting on with the maid, she actually believes that they (the maid and my dad) exchanged some secret codes right in front of my eyes. I live with my parents as I am in between jobs and its absolutely driving me nuts that she will talk about this topic every 2-3 weeks, she tried to keep this away from me and only opened up last year when I came back from living in Italy, where I was before. I have heard her yell at my dad about this supposed debauchery, which he completely denies. She also gets super nervous and suffers from hypo-thyroid disorder, which might be exacerbating her anxiety issues.
If I think about it now, my mom has always had a problem with my dad and his family and she keeps insisting that everyone of them are out to make her life miserable. For a long time, she kept comparing me and my brother to other cousins of ours, making us feel totally inadequate. Till date she never has approved of any of my girlfriends and last year when my brother married his longtime girlfriend, she doesnt like her too much and will complain now and then about how he is not very happy with her. She has six sisters and doesnt get along well with any of them, always claiming they are talking behind her back.She wont see a counsellor as she thinks its a waste of time and she only needs to vent a little bit and she will be ok. But its really not ok and the more she vents or talks about it, the more she remembers the hurt and the more she suffers. I really feel sorry for her that she's always suffering in this way, is there a way out for her ?

Prassh, your family may be able to encourage your mom to get help, at least someone to calm her and help her focus on the good things, by suggesting that a professional could help with the stress she's under. Don't mention any delusions or she will likely not go. Although, my mom was sort of willing in order to have a professional convince me that what my mom described was true.

I suggest trying to find a psychiatrist, someone who can prescribe medication, though. I once thought that at least a counselor would be a step in the right direction, but the counselor my mom saw, with all good intentions, thought that just talking my mom into seeing things differently and moving towards healthy activity would be sufficient. I kept hoping he'd realize that her brain needs medication and refer her elsewhere, but he did not, and her symptoms just escalated.

Whether or not delusions are diagnosed, at least an antidepressant for the anxiety and stress and fear that someone with delusions really feels is helpful for them and for the family.

I agree with Sunnyg, and would literally have a few things in mind when I visited my mom, and actually had a list by the phone, of pleasant topics she enjoys talking about, so I could change the subject to one that she would be interested in when she began to mention fears and suspicions. But my mom is also a very smart person, and once in a while she indicates irritation at my unwillingness to discuss the wrongdoings someone has done, but I remain silent on that topic and she now seems to accept that.

Alexicon, my mom's fears also flare up at times of increased demand or stress, such as a holiday. She enjoys the extra activity, and we enjoy her company (now that she's on an antidepressant and is more of her usual self), but even for a few days after the holiday she is extra fearful and suspects various scenarios based on normal sounds or maybe she hears things, stays up too late, thoughts flying. She calls and frets... We are very worried about her taking a trip to visit anyone, thinking that now she really wouldn't be able to handle the travel stress, and unlike someone who could recover from a stressful travel day overnight, her symptom thoughts could last for days. We are thinking we'll have to travel with her somehow both ways.

It is very sad, and I wish I could make her fears go away, but all I can do is encourage her positive activity and her going to see her professional help regularly, and I have to realize I can't control this. I also have to realize she's a grown person and I can't make her do anything, though we became educated on the legal processes in case she needs us to step in later, such as if she becomes a danger to herself or someone. It's hard to feel like we're keeping secrets, too. We know about her condition, and take measures to help, avoid topics, reassure her, and such, but she isn't in on this with us. I've had to realize that that is part of being nice, it's just nice in a different way now.

I used to be worried my mom would see my writing here, too. But truly she would not be looking up delusion disorder because she would never think that topic has any part of her life.

Alexicon wrote: It doesn't make sense to me. One doctor must have failed to diagnose her, and now the other doctors are covering for the first doctor. (ALL of them???)

OK this one is way over the line for me. LOL I see this conspiracy all the time. Yes they often do cover for one another. "When a doctor goes wrong, he is the first of criminals. He has nerve. He has knowledge. Sherlock Holmes.

I'm holding back because this could all be age related dementia but I can't help but wonder if at least some of the problems are a reflection of something these people are sensing that is wrong in their environment. We live in schizoid world where most of us are consciously unaware of true intentions. It's particularly scary for the young and the old.