I couldnt figure out where to post this.
I am pretty normal for the most part i think. I am 19 and i live in kansas. i did terrible my freshman year of college and i work as a barista.
Lately i feel like something is "off". and i feel like it is getting worse.
Last month for a couple weeks i had an annoying delusion where i kept thinking I was the second coming of Christ. it went away but it still crosses my mind sometimes. my thoughts are becoming increasingly convoluted and obsessive. its like random clumps of information just floating around. i have lately been obsessing over mental health and researching it and taking quizzes. i am aware of hypochondria but it started very recently and i have come to the conclusion that i have no god damn idea what is going on. this seems to have settled that obsession.
i dont really seem to get paranoid but sometimes i feel like other people are reading my actions to mean things and sometimes i think that there's a wordless exchange upon every worded one. like when i am talking to people there's some kind of subtle mental communication. sometimes i think i can read minds.
ive been experiencing random outbursts of anger and they are only getting worse. I said a horrible thing to someone I didnt even know and I apologized when i realized what I said. This was today.
as for hallucinations... well, i dont know because i have some lingering hppd (hallucinogen persisting perceptive disorder). i did acid in december. The hppd is dissipating some but something is taking its place. something different.
Sometimes i enter a daze in which I see darkness enveloping my vision. its as if the lights are dimming but the darkness warbles and shifts. when i enter this state i dont even KNOW what my brain is doing. its like its devoid of anything and everything. everything i do in this state is like a programmed action. it is so hard to describe. it happens in conversation sometimes and i just zone out and miss everything. my memory is getting worse too. oftentimes my memories become distorted exaggerations of the actual event. i.e. i feel as though something i said came off as absolutely ridiculous and the person i said it to thinks i'm absolutely insane.
i see little dots flying around in the corner of my vision and its confusing because i sometimes confuse them for bugs. but i dont know if this is because of hppd or not. i dont hear voices but i have taken to scolding myself in a different voice for some reason.
on top of all of this which is causing me internal stress, i have slowly been withdrawing from society. i get angry at my customers just for walking into the store. i get pissed at inanimate objects and my friends for minor things. ive been losing weight. I lost ten pounds or something in the past few weeks and my pants keep falling off. i wanna eat but my appetite just isnt there. my libido is going too. im accompanied with this inability to enjoy anything and it makes my job hard because i cant even tell when what i make is good or bad.
i have attempted suicide and i found out later i was having some kind of depressive episode because theyve been recurring more frequently. ive had unexpected albeit minor urges to injure myself though i find them easily surpassed.
i just want to not exist anymore.
i know this is a lot to read about one random person's symptoms, and I don't necessarily expect you to do so.
I'm just lost and confused and i'm in denial of it but I'm scared of this. This is scary and weird and my friends and family are starting to point things out that coincide with various symptoms that i didn't notice prior.
I just want an opinion. a viewpoint outside of my own. i am not looking for a "you have this". i am devoid of understanding here for some reason because i simply do not have the insight to understand what is happening to me. i am seeing a psychiatrist but i have yet to bring up almost all of this.
Thank you for reading.