Hi delusional disorder forum I have some things on my mind

I couldnt figure out where to post this.

I am pretty normal for the most part i think. I am 19 and i live in kansas. i did terrible my freshman year of college and i work as a barista.

Lately i feel like something is "off". and i feel like it is getting worse.
Last month for a couple weeks i had an annoying delusion where i kept thinking I was the second coming of Christ. it went away but it still crosses my mind sometimes. my thoughts are becoming increasingly convoluted and obsessive. its like random clumps of information just floating around. i have lately been obsessing over mental health and researching it and taking quizzes. i am aware of hypochondria but it started very recently and i have come to the conclusion that i have no god damn idea what is going on. this seems to have settled that obsession.
i dont really seem to get paranoid but sometimes i feel like other people are reading my actions to mean things and sometimes i think that there's a wordless exchange upon every worded one. like when i am talking to people there's some kind of subtle mental communication. sometimes i think i can read minds.

ive been experiencing random outbursts of anger and they are only getting worse. I said a horrible thing to someone I didnt even know and I apologized when i realized what I said. This was today.
as for hallucinations... well, i dont know because i have some lingering hppd (hallucinogen persisting perceptive disorder). i did acid in december. The hppd is dissipating some but something is taking its place. something different.
Sometimes i enter a daze in which I see darkness enveloping my vision. its as if the lights are dimming but the darkness warbles and shifts. when i enter this state i dont even KNOW what my brain is doing. its like its devoid of anything and everything. everything i do in this state is like a programmed action. it is so hard to describe. it happens in conversation sometimes and i just zone out and miss everything. my memory is getting worse too. oftentimes my memories become distorted exaggerations of the actual event. i.e. i feel as though something i said came off as absolutely ridiculous and the person i said it to thinks i'm absolutely insane.

i see little dots flying around in the corner of my vision and its confusing because i sometimes confuse them for bugs. but i dont know if this is because of hppd or not. i dont hear voices but i have taken to scolding myself in a different voice for some reason.

on top of all of this which is causing me internal stress, i have slowly been withdrawing from society. i get angry at my customers just for walking into the store. i get pissed at inanimate objects and my friends for minor things. ive been losing weight. I lost ten pounds or something in the past few weeks and my pants keep falling off. i wanna eat but my appetite just isnt there. my libido is going too. im accompanied with this inability to enjoy anything and it makes my job hard because i cant even tell when what i make is good or bad.
i have attempted suicide and i found out later i was having some kind of depressive episode because theyve been recurring more frequently. ive had unexpected albeit minor urges to injure myself though i find them easily surpassed.


i just want to not exist anymore.


i know this is a lot to read about one random person's symptoms, and I don't necessarily expect you to do so.
I'm just lost and confused and i'm in denial of it but I'm scared of this. This is scary and weird and my friends and family are starting to point things out that coincide with various symptoms that i didn't notice prior.

I just want an opinion. a viewpoint outside of my own. i am not looking for a "you have this". i am devoid of understanding here for some reason because i simply do not have the insight to understand what is happening to me. i am seeing a psychiatrist but i have yet to bring up almost all of this.

Thank you for reading.

I hope you know now to STAY AWAY FROM ACID, kiddo.

That second coming of Christ stuff is similar to thoughts people have in a manic episode of Bipolar Disorder 1. The irritalbility could be a sign of many things... That stuff with the darkness and your vision is something I've never heard before. Are the dots similar to the dots or bubbles we see in our eyes every now and then? I could see how they might look like bugs. I really think you should tell your doctorabout all your symptoms. Write them down if you must then tell him about them when you see him. I don't really know how I can help. I know acid can have devastating effects though. I hope you tell your doctor everything especially if you're having to fight off thoughts of harming yourself.

Good luck.

I actually refuse to ever touch acid or psychedelics again. the dots I see are not floaters, because i have had those my whole life. Ive also been having this issue of confusing memories of my dreams with real memories.

Thanks a lot for your reply. I have been reading about bipolar disorder and I didn't feel like it fit me that well, but that's up to my doctor to decide.

courier wrote:I actually refuse to ever touch acid or psychedelics again. the dots I see are not floaters, because i have had those my whole life. Ive also been having this issue of confusing memories of my dreams with real memories.

Thanks a lot for your reply. I have been reading about bipolar disorder and I didn't feel like it fit me well, but that's up to my doctor to decide.

Well, that's great that you've made that decision. I don't know if the dots would be considered a hallucination or not, and I really don't know what the dream thing means. Sometimes I do that, but it is extremely rare. My dreams are so crazy that it would be almost impossible to mistake them for reality.

When I had a brief psychotic episode a lot of my thinking was spiritually related, but it wasn't a manic episode or anything. Have you talked to anyone about why you think you're the second coming of Christ? You have to have some reason to believe this. What is it that first made you think this way?

I hope you do something about this. You shouldn't have to live like that- fighting urges to harm yourself on a regular basis . That must be Hell.

19? With all this stuff and all this insight. R u kidding me? If you're not, then here is my take:

1. For any LSD related concerns google "Stanley Krippner illegal LSD."
2. "kept thinking I was the second coming of Christ"
What is it you see yourself doing as the second coming of Christ?
3. "my thoughts are becoming increasingly convoluted and obsessive. its like random clumps of information just floating around." Could be a lot of things. Could be nothing. It would help to know the type of info you are referring to.
4. The floaters. Get to an ophthalmologist asap, I don't care what you say.
5. "sometimes i feel like other people are reading my actions to mean things and sometimes i think that there's a wordless exchange upon every worded one. like when i am talking to people there's some kind of subtle mental communication. sometimes i think i can read minds." LOL Wake up and welcome to reality kid. While your at it wake the others up too. All this double talk is a sign of dissociation and lack of consciousness.
6. Unexplained anger. Probably repression related.
7. Loss of ten pounds in a few weeks. What is your weight? Are you still dropping?
8. The psychiatrist. What medication does he have you on?