Ah fooey

Yeah, so my paranoid delusions from when I was about 9 are back and they are reallly strong. Like, I can't even deal with them anymore. Everywhere I go I see things that aren't there. i'm connecting lines where there weren't any to begin with.

I keep thinking everyone in my life is a government plant assigned to make sure I wouldn't step out of line. And I keep thinking I'm in my hometown on the East Coast US despite the fact that I've driven from the East Coast US to western Canada twice now. And it doesn't help that when i was younger, apparently my dream about 9/11 3 months before it happened worried the federal government who then came to my house and talked to my psychiatrists and $#%^. Apparently national security trumps doctor patient confidentiality because they took my dream journals too. And wanted to know how, why, and when the next terror attack would occur.

Three goddarn years of tests and doctors and needles and heavy anti-pyschotic medication because I was angry as hell and kept breaking out of the different places they sent me. I finally learned to not talk about any dreams or daydreams that I had even if they were about things that were going to come true. And now those goddarn dreams are back, I can't think straight, and nobody seems to want to help me deal with my mental demons.

Please tell me I'm not going beyond the curve. Last time I did, I almost didn't come back and i'm afraid that this time, I'll finally slip over that thin line

Hi Patpo18,
You're not alone. Lots of us have to deal with this sorta thing. Personally, it has forged me as a writer, because I can't talk about what is going on in my mind in polite conversation. I found that writing a narrative I can live with was the only way I could come back from "the curve" as you put it.

I've had journals stolen that had detailed information about what happened to me. At least you know the police have yours. I have no idea who possesses my journals that went missing...

The best advice I have is to believe in the good of humanity, and I'm leaning towards believing in Einstein's Theory of Relativity. If time travel were possible, it changes all the rules. I think it is our best hope. I'm still terrified by religion, and the idea that there are angels and demons is terrifying to live with, so I redefined my messages using semantics. I gave everything in my world meaning that I wanted to live with. It probably sounds complicated, but I had hope and it helped me create meaning when I needed it most. I figure if time travel is real, we control destiny with the meaning we give things. I figured the messages must be full of love, because I have hope for a better humanity.

How old are you now? Have you tried to believe in something you want a great deal for the future?

Sunny

I forgot to mention, be sure to keep in close contact with a trained mental health provider, and medication can be effective. THere are also some new peer run organizations, that sound like an ideal situation to recover in.
Sunny

Sunnyg wrote:Hi Patpo18,


The best advice I have is to believe in the good of humanity, and I'm leaning towards believing in Einstein's Theory of Relativity. If time travel were possible, it changes all the rules.
How old are you now? Have you tried to believe in something you want a great deal for the future?

Sunny

I just turned 20 which is the age that various doctors told me would be a critical age.

Time travel is possible. However, the butterfly effect and the fact that the minute you leave this Universe you can never go back to it, means that time travel could only be one way and the very act of you traveling back in time has created an alternate universe and a whole mess of paradoxes You will never go back to the Universe in which you know.

But the thing is about my journals was that my dreams weren't normal. I would be dreaming, knowing that I was dreaming, yet pain still effected me and I could not wake myself up, even pinching my nose shut didn't work. And now, somebody either deliberately or accidentally leaked that $#%^ out to hollywood. Some of the major motion pictures of the past decade were dreams I had. And not just normal dreams. I'm talking about knowing the entire life of a person and dying horribly and feeling every ounce of pain that came with that death and seeing it play out in front of me as a film.

The fact that I can't stop seeing my dead friends and other people I've seen get killed only alarms me even further. For some horrible reason LL Cool J and Christopher Dorner look exactly like my dead best friend. Same with a bunch of other actors. I thought I had been able to get rid of that but nowadays, I don't even know anymore. I did too many drugs :c

I find the most helpful thing to do is find things that I enjoy, and try to focus on your strengths. It will help you get through the worst of it. I know how depressing getting sick can be, but it can be beautiful too.
Sunny

yeah.

At least I don't think there are mole people in the ground and lizard people on the moon.

I'm still firmly planted in this reality. The only time I ever lost touch was when I did acid, came off the trip (or so I thought) and then did DMT.

Gotta tell ya, if I didn't have sex with the moon that night, I don't want to know what I did it with

Weird. I didn't know we had anything in common. I tend to have dreams about things before they happen , but I'm not writing anything down that's weird! Yes, national security has power over all confidentiality.

I'm sorry you're going through so much. If you ever need to talk, you can send me a private message.