What happened to my mom? How can I talk to her?

Sorry this is long, but its been ongoing for some time and I really just want some answers and to get a lot of it off my chest. I bolded some of my questions so they were easy to pick out of the wall of text.

Last year my mom had what I can only imagine to be a series of delusions that we did not recognize as such. It started with her believing her knees were disintegrating, that I was whoring myself to people who would come to my bedroom window, that things were being impossibly stolen/people were breaking into our house to take mundane things like silverware, and so on. They escalated in severity until she ran out into the streets screaming that she had woken up to multiple "dark figures" gang raping her, lead by a man she was dating and the ex-boyfriend of a woman she had let stay at our house (it is a very, very, very, long story.) My mother's claims mirror the "experiences" that woman had. I use quotations because I have no way of knowing if hers were real either, as she was a known drug user and rather strange. Her knee problems also mirrored my aunts joint problems, and have since left her reality. Is it common for DD suffers to apply others' misfortunes to themselves?
After that, I was off to college and she woke up my brother telling him I had been killed by the same group that had organized her rape. She realized afterwards that it was an episode, but still clings vehemently to her rape scenario. Is it common to discredit some delusions but not others?
She sometimes smells chocolate, something she at first claimed was used to drug her but also fluctuates to "tranq darts" being used to knock her out.
Being home at the time of her alleged rape, I was the one to call the police and her psychiatrist and everyone who needed to be informed. She was grossly mishandled by the police, who video taped her for training reference for psychotic breaks, leading her to believe the police were in on the whole thing and were trying to control her with electronics, and not given any of her medications by the hospital she stayed the night in, who then transfered her to another hospital and failed to inform them that she had medications (all of which i sent along with the EMTs the night she was taken away!!!) Her medications are many, by the way. I dont know the exact types or names, except for fentanyl patches, percocets, and i believe abilify. She has over 20 kinds of pills to take daily though. She no doubt went through withdrawals during her time there.

During this time she added and dropped parts to her story and solidified it more. I am CONSTANTLY OVERWHELMED WITH GUILT that I did the wrong thing in letting them keep her for observation. I break down about it almost every day. She also blames me for no one believing her because I told everyone she had had an episode, which was all I could see as she was absolutely raving mad that night. At first I tried to remain neutral because for gods sake i really didnt know what had happened. But the inconsistancies and odd details turned me to doubt, and she eventually confronted me and when I couldnt exactly say I believed her story she blamed me for leading everyone to turn on her. I feel like I've been the worst daughter. Her psychiatrist made no attempt to contact me or the hospital my mother was at, and so I was very much alone and trying to do the right thing, but ultimately it was wrong move after wrong move and I lost my mothers trust.

I guess what I'm asking now is how do I deal with her resentment? I'm happy to see her when I visit home and we get along alright, but theres a constant tension and she'll bring the events up when we're alone, and I don't know what I should say to her. I can't tell her I believe her, because I don't, and she wouldnt believe me even if I lied. I've never accused her of making it up, but she seems to think thats what I've told everyone. I'm so confused and I'm so ashamed. How do I rebuild??

Dear Utterlylost,
Welcome, and I hope you find support here. You sound like you care, and your mother is lucky that she has a daughter like you. I'd recommend getting a therapist for you. I don't know the best advice for the situation, but talking to your own trained mental health provider may give you some insight into how to handle situations like this.

If you want to regain trust. Apologize for not listening your mother. But don't tell her she was right, just say you should have not judged her, because you are not trained to make that type of assessment.

Sounds like the hospital really did not do their work, for whatever reasons (poor communication, lack of training, lack of understanding...) and write a letter to the police explaining the harm caused by their using her case as a training video. They should hire people in recovery to be actors and act out scenarios that have happened in the past. It is unacceptable to use a live human in crisis for their training program like a test subject. I'm unhappy to hear they did that. There are so many better ways to act out situations and find solutions.

I think you should consider going to a lawyer with these issues, and threaten to sue the police and hospital for inhumane treatment of your mother, if they do not improve their training practice, and work with trained mental health providers and people in recovery (peer support specialists) to develop training programs. If you would like assistance writing a letter feel free to send me a PM (private message).

Sounds like your mother does have insight. Is it possible that she experienced something real? Maybe her perception is off, but maybe there was something she needed to have addressed. The whole thing sounds like nobody who knows how to handle these things was present and guiding the process. The good news is this is a great learning opportunity for you.

It sounds like you care. Try not to beat yourself up. These things happen. This is how we learn: experience. As for your mom, it isn't your fault. Try not to accept the blame. Hope you seek care from a professional to deal with the guilt.

Sunny

utterlylost wrote:Sorry this is long, but its been ongoing for some time and I really just want some answers and to get a lot of it off my chest. I bolded some of my questions so they were easy to pick out of the wall of text.

Last year my mom had what I can only imagine to be a series of delusions that we did not recognize as such. It started with her believing her knees were disintegrating, that I was whoring myself to people who would come to my bedroom window, that things were being impossibly stolen/people were breaking into our house to take mundane things like silverware, and so on. They escalated in severity until she ran out into the streets screaming that she had woken up to multiple "dark figures" gang raping her, lead by a man she was dating and the ex-boyfriend of a woman she had let stay at our house (it is a very, very, very, long story.) My mother's claims mirror the "experiences" that woman had. I use quotations because I have no way of knowing if hers were real either, as she was a known drug user and rather strange. Her knee problems also mirrored my aunts joint problems, and have since left her reality. Is it common for DD suffers to apply others' misfortunes to themselves?

Delusions can come from anywhere. Books, tv, other people's stories, comments friends or loved ones make, video games, even just looking out the window and seeing birds outside, the delusional process can take ANY thought, any idea, and distort it. What happens is that any thought can be grabbed by that delusional process. The delusional process is the problem, not the ideas.

The person doesn't choose what they are delusional about. Often delusions are 'non-bizarre' for years, and then suddenly become bizarre, so that at that point, family and friends say, 'Oh no, something is very wrong'.

After that, I was off to college and she woke up my brother telling him I had been killed by the same group that had organized her rape. She realized afterwards that it was an episode, but still clings vehemently to her rape scenario. Is it common to discredit some delusions but not others?

Yes. The person will often discount a delusion. Either because they think they should (perhaps people are insisting the person get medical care or are telling her she has a mental illness or that if she keeps talking about these things, she'll have to go stay at a hospital?) It's important to remember that the person remains very logical and practical in some ways, and delusional and out of touch in other ways. And what they are delusional about can shift, definitely. I've seen people start out being delusional about some far away threat, then it shifts to their family, and it can change over time.

She sometimes smells chocolate, something she at first claimed was used to drug her but also fluctuates to "tranq darts" being used to knock her out.

Poor sweetie. I will comment that smell hallucinations are not the norm with schizophrenia or related illnesses. My concern with people who have smell hallucinations is that they may have something other than schizophrenia, making them psychotic, or they may have schizophrenia WITH something else. 'Psychosis' is the thought disorder(delusions, hallucinations), schizophrenia is only one type of illness that can cause psychosis.

Being home at the time of her alleged rape, I was the one to call the police and her psychiatrist and everyone who needed to be informed. She was grossly mishandled by the police, who video taped her for training reference for psychotic breaks, leading her to believe the police were in on the whole thing and were trying to control her with electronics, and not given any of her medications by the hospital she stayed the night in, who then transfered her to another hospital and failed to inform them that she had medications (all of which i sent along with the EMTs the night she was taken away!!!)

Number one, insist that she not be used for any teaching purposes, she's too sick and unstable for that. Make absolutely sure of that. If you can get power of attorney over her you may be able to insist that nothing like that is done, but I've seen family prevent such things just by making a royal and very loud complaint over it.

Her medications are many, by the way. I dont know the exact types or names, except for fentanyl patches, percocets, and i believe abilify. She has over 20 kinds of pills to take daily though. She no doubt went through withdrawals during her time there.

Maybe. Most of those medications aren't addictive and don't have true 'withdrawal' - what happens is that their symptoms simply come back if they're not getting the medicine that prevents those symptoms.

Unless she's in a very medically complex situation, even if she is, I'm really unsure that she should be getting TWENTY medications. That doesn't sound right to me. I'm no doctor, of course. But perhaps some of these meds are past prescriptions. There doesn't seem to be any reason she should be taking percocets, unless she has chronic pain, and Percocet could interfere with her antipsychotic medication.

What antipsychotic works for any person with schizophrenia or related illnesses, is individual. She may be getting ill because abilify (or whatever other antipsychotics she's taking) aren't doing the job for her.

What happens often is that many people simply stop taking their medication(because they can't understand they're ill), and you aren't seeing at all, a medication 'not working', you're seeing a person who isn't taking their medication - it needs to be taken each day and as recommended, whether that's 2-3 times a day, whether that's 10 or 15 mg or whatever. Anything less, it's not going to work. And all that other stuff - especially percocets, could keep her antipsychotic from working.

In fact, your mom REALLY shouldn't have a lot of severe episodes and relapses and hospital admissions - IF her medication is working. That means taking it daily, AND not taking any meds that keep THOSE meds from working.

SOMETIMES - people go to multiple doctors and get different prescriptions. They get pain meds, which they abuse, or they get sedatives, and take those instead of antipsychotics. I've seen people with psychosis abuse antidepressants, even, which are not good for psychosis unless taken in balance with their antipsychotic.

Many drink alcohol or use street drugs and that can cause medications to not work - yes unfortunately with severe mental illness there is a high rate of substance abuse.

During this time she added and dropped parts to her story and solidified it more. I am CONSTANTLY OVERWHELMED WITH GUILT that I did the wrong thing in letting them keep her for observation.

You did not. What should have happened, and what might have still happened, despite the admissions foul ups, is that someone observed her illness and that can only help in the future.

I break down about it almost every day. She also blames me for no one believing her because I told everyone she had had an episode, which was all I could see as she was absolutely raving mad that night.

You reacted in a very logical way. You can apologize to mom, of course, or say that you thought the hospital admissions was fouled up, and you can in fact, commiserate with her. I've said, 'I don't care what happens, we won't go back to that popcorn stand again', if I don't agree with how an admissions happened or if a person wasn't treated appropriately. But know in your heart that you did what any doctor would advise you to do. ALSO - your mom's account of what happened might be how she remembers it, as best she possibly can, but many people can't recall clearly all the details of their admission or treatment as they're usually quite psychotic when that happens and that interferes badly with remembering things. Often the psychosis fills in the details they can't remember and they are very sure it did happen that way.

At first I tried to remain neutral because for gods sake i really didnt know what had happened. But the inconsistancies and odd details turned me to doubt, and she eventually confronted me and when I couldnt exactly say I believed her story she blamed me for leading everyone to turn on her.

Don't get put in the position of agreeing or disagreeing.

I feel like I've been the worst daughter. Her psychiatrist made no attempt to contact me or the hospital my mother was at, and so I was very much alone and trying to do the right thing, but ultimately it was wrong move after wrong move and I lost my mothers trust.

You can get it back. You can apologize, and you can rebuild with her. Sometimes if that proves impossible, you just get someone else to help her. For example she may love to go to a social worker at the county agency and tell them ALL about what a meanie you were, and the agency will take over the gentle process of getting her back on her meds.

I guess what I'm asking now is how do I deal with her resentment? I'm happy to see her when I visit home and we get along alright, but theres a constant tension and she'll bring the events up when we're alone, and I don't know what I should say to her. I can't tell her I believe her, because I don't,

Read Xavier Amador's book 'I'm Not Sick and I Don't Need Help', and we chat more some other time when you're ready, if you like.

and she wouldnt believe me even if I lied. I've never accused her of making it up, but she seems to think thats what I've told everyone. I'm so confused and I'm so ashamed. How do I rebuild??

Apologize. Be nice. Listen. Don't agree or disagree. It's hard, but if a dumb old lady like me can do it, so can you.

I think you'll do fine. I think you need some suggestions and tips about how to talk to her in a way that calms her down, and I think your mom bosses you a bit and knows she can guilt you - the key to remember is that people just really hate going to the hospital, but the hospital is in fact supposed to be helping, and you can't always make the doctors listen to you. You CAN go along and talk to the doctors, and you can insist to them that they listen to what your mom's diagnosis is or what has helped her in the past.

This can often be turned around, if not, it's due to the severity of the symptoms, not to your mom or you being at fault. The opponent is the illness, and there are ways to deal with it.

PLEASE stop beating yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong. So just stop, right now, with beating yourself up.