My crazy story

I have always had these jealousy issues - i guess started with my first gf when i had an intuition that she was cheating and laid a trap and found her kissing the guy. From then on i have complete faith in my "ability" to read signs and coincidences that point to cheating.

So with my wife, when she was my fiance had several such DDJ occasions - eg. made her take the key to her office on sunday to open and check her computer logs as i was convinced she had opened other chat accounts with which she was chatting with her boss etc.

After marriage it all subsided - we lost 2 babies - one abortion and one didnt live beyond the first week. Our marriage weakened on a sexual level but we continue to live together and behave like friends caring and sharing but lost the sexual bond

I started to cheat and have had 5 affairs since. And with each one i suffered huge amounts of DDJ. This was exagerrated by the nature of the realtionship as each one of them had husbands too - but i never had an issue with their husbands but used to imagine them with a 3rd guy (me being the 2nd in her life).

So basically i would be sitting at my home with my wife on the couch - my lover would be at her house with her husband - and i would be spending my time to track her down and get proof she is really with her husband at that time and not with a 3rd guy. Usually the 3rd guy would be my friend becasue we would normally be in same pffice circle and i would imagine that my lover is not only cheating on her hsuabnd with me but cheating on me with this 3rd guy. Would go crazy - install recorders, hire prviate detectives to chase down someone elses wife!!!

I am currently in one of these affairs and doing the same. The truth is in the intial stage my insecurity is a turn on for the girl becasue my image in office is of a very strong mature man so they find it apeasing that this man has becoem a a puppy in front of them and is so scared to lose them - of course as you all know as the DDJ gets worse this feeling changes into fear and disgust and finally the affair is over.

I trust my wife completely - do not accuse her. Even when she dosent pick up her phone the whole night while travelling i would assume her battery is down. But if one of my lovers was not to pick up the phone for 30 minutes I would be in a fit imagining her having a quickie and laughing with her lover that this man is so stupid calling me when he should be with his wife...

I am so screwed up - i cannot tell this to my wife for obvious reasons...HELP!!!!

This sounds really serious.

However, I don't think you are a 'cad' or a bad guy.

I think you're suffering from a mental illness that causes a lot of impulsive behavior, and also paranoia and fears and a feeling of helplessness. It must be mild, because you're working and functioning very well in all but this one area of your life. But this also means it will probably respond well to treatment.

I'm not sure what diagnosis you would get, as I'm no expert at that, but I am sure that this isn't about you being a jerk.

And I believe, with treatment of this mental illness, you will feel a lot better and have a far less complicated situation on your hands.

From reading your comments I really think you love your wife. Its the feelings of paranoia that I think, have caused all the problems, right from the very start.

Some people have paranoia and yet are very strong and capable, in all but one, area of their life. Paranoia creates havoc in that area of their life. This is what paranoia can create.

Thanks for reading and the reply. I was expecting to be called out as a bxxxard that i have become.

There is one more thing though embaressing that I would like to mention which i feel could be at the root of this - i suffer from performance anxiety driven Erectile dysfunction for the last 3 years (works at times and sometimes not) and I am just 33 years old -checked with doctors - physically all is ok - high testoserone levels, high sex drive, am rock hard when mastrubting but lose it sometimes in sex - i know how this sounds - have this issue and then go after women and cheat on my wife - just cant help myself...

i did have the jealousy bouts prior to the erection issue - but after this issue has surfaced the jealousy is really at a deep level - feel chest pain, intense depression, even thoughts of suicide, a lot of the thoughts revolve not so much around losing the lover but of her and the other guy ridiculing me and laughing about me while having sex...hurts real bad ((

I think the physical problem you're describing is all about the paranoia, depression and other symptoms.

It never ceases to amaze me how often depression, paranoia occur together. I was going to ask you about depression as well, but glad you brought it up first.

Letting these symptoms 'roll on' eventually causes so much anxiety and tension that it affects physical performance. Sexual performance is a finely tuned balancing act of multiple systems of the body - just enough excitement is needed, but not one bit more. Other wise the ED problem just becomes one more problem that's tearing a person up, and even, spurring on infidelity.

You'd be amazed at how many men experience ED in this situation. Anxiety, tension and good performance, they just do not go well together.

Your mention of depression and suicidal feelings really makes this what I was worried about in the first place...this is not a trivial matter. Get help now. Suicidal feelings can potentially worsen. I definitely do not want you to wind up as a statistic. There's no point to that when help is so easy to get and works so well. Life can indeed be better.

You've tried to be strong and just deal with this on your own for too long, and it's been tearing apart your life. PLEASE see a psychiatrist, and get a counselor on board too. You deserve a better life than this.

Thank you -will contact a psychiatirst.

This is going to sound silly and wussy - but you have no idea just how reading your reply over and over again makes me me feel so light and relaxed.

I am so tired - i begin to tear up when i think about this from a distance (viewing myself as a third person).

Its funny my profession is that of a fraud investigator - so i spend my working hours chasing criminals and cheats and liars - guess that also added on to this belief that every one cheats and lies.

razzmazz wrote:Thank you -will contact a psychiatirst.

This is going to sound silly and wussy - but you have no idea just how reading your reply over and over again makes me me feel so light and relaxed.

I am so tired - i begin to tear up when i think about this from a distance (viewing myself as a third person).

Its funny my profession is that of a fraud investigator - so i spend my working hours chasing criminals and cheats and liars - guess that also added on to this belief that every one cheats and lies.

It certainly doesn't let you see the better side of humanity.

I used to love fraud work, it was so exciting, just thinking of catching a bad guy gave me chills.

The biggest case I ever worked, the whole thing was due to a really stupid mistake in a computer program. The programmer didn't handle the time zones right, so the system would request two wires for funds transfer of a real estate sale. It looked so suspicious, because it only happened with this one guy who was just over in the earlier time zone a few miles, and he always requested his funds transfers later at night, so he was the only one that hit the double funds transfer glitch in the program. And this guy, whose sale it was, had been written up for pressuring a sale unethically, so right away, it seemed as if he had deliberately caused the double wire.

Oooh we were all so excited, the detective was so excited about finally getting him. We all went WHAAAAH!!!! when we found out it was just the stupid computer program. What a let down!!! LLOL!

Good luck, get help, get on with making a better life, best wishes.