Mother possibly has Delusional Disorder. HELP!

My Mother and Father separated nearly 5 years ago. After years of dealing with my dads drinking problem and what my mom (claims) was a prescription drug problem, she decided to leave him when she said he was trying to poison her. BUT, she got back together with him a few months later and started making claims again that she was peeing blood due to poisoning. Finally left him and filed for divorce. During this time, she had setup recorders and video cameras in their home where she was now living alone. Claimed that my dad and his army of ppl including the next door neighbor were entering the home through the air conditioner vent from the attic and tampering with the water. She called the cops a few times but never followed through with filing a police report - reason being, she was afraid to damage the reputation of her children when it got out that our dad was "crazy".

She eventually sold the house and moved in with her widowed mother. She continued to make claims that the water, the air conditioner and the coffee were being tampered with even though my grandmother was home all day and night and never witnessed anything. She also began to believe that the neighbors in my grandmothers area were also involved with my dad and this "army" she's imagined. She would vent to her siblings, children and mother and get very angry that no one was doing anything to help catch my dad. In some way, a few people believed her for a while and attempted to give her a safe haven but eventually everyone slowly began to accept that what she was saying is not true. But still no one will accept that she has a mental disorder and needs medical attention.

She just lost her job bc of other delusions about a woman she works with (who's engaged to be married) stealing a man that she was interested in that lived several states away.

I have to say that I did believe her in the very beginning bc I believed everything my mother said my whole life - why shouldn't I? She was my best friend and the one person I trusted more than anyone. I began to see through all the nonsense she was making me believe but I chalked it up to her having a rough time dealing with the divorce but now that she has lost her job and is threatening to run off to some other town/state and have no contact with anyone, for the first time, I can finally accept that I have a mother with a real and very serious mental disorder and she is ruining her life and the life of those around her.

I think back to my very first memories of my moms work history... there has been someone that she does not get along with or someone that is trying to sabotage her work or reputation at every single job she's had for as long as I can remember.

She is also obsessed with law enforcement - exclaims her excitement that there's a cop living in her apt complex (she finally moved out of her mothers), got excited that a family friend was promoted to lieutenant at the local sheriffs office and according to my sister, she planned to contact him to help her make her escape plan to run away without a trace. My (now) husband comes from a background of law enforcement connections and we first started dating about the time my parents were separating. When her delusions began, she asked me to bring him over to her house so she could tell him the story and he could get "his people" to save her. When he began to ask questions to better understand the situation, she became very defensive, broke down crying and became extremely angry with him. Bc of this, over the course of the last 5 years, she has convinced just about everyone of my family members and even some of my friends that he's a bad person. Just a couple of months before my wedding, she convinced my matron of honor that he was a terrible person and I was making a huge mistake by marrying him. I was then confronted by my MOH bc she was so concerned, contacted my mother to elaborate on what she was so worried about and all she would say is "You know what he did....". Umm, he didn't do anything. But it caused a huge and very unnecessary fight btwn he and I.

She's always very defensive about everything - if I make any offers for "Mother - Daughter time", her response is always, "What? U think I don't want to hang out with Son in Law?". If anyone has or does something nice, like gets a fancy new car, her snippy response is always "Hm, must be nice." If my husband and I are traveling, which we do often, "Why wasn't I invited?". These are all serious responses on her part - never sarcastic.

I don't know if mental disorders are hereditary or run in families but her sister had Bi-Polar disorder and possibly a few other things that I'm not aware of and she ultimately commited suicide about 25 yrs ago.

I don't know what to do. I've contacted psychiatrists and they all say the only way I can force her to seek treatment is if she is a danger to herself or others. And she is positively hard-headed. If I mention one word about thinking she has a mental disorder, she will completely lose it and never speak to me again. I'm afraid to tell her anything she doesn't want to hear for fear of her shutting me out. But if she's planning to run witihout a trace, she won't speak to me anyway... Help! Please

My mom has Delusional Disorder, Persecutory type, along with OCD. She is currently under treatment, but has had this illness since childhood & was never treated until her early 50's. Even with treatment her meds have had to be adjusted (& will again soon I'm sure), & the disease never really went away, it's just less obstructive to her everyday (& others) than it used to be.
If your mom is sick (and it sounds like she should seek help), you have to understand some things to even be able to help yourself.
1: It's an illness, & she is the only one who can seek help. There is no forcing her unless she gets to the point where law enforcement or a Doctor has to intervene.
2: It's okay that you never saw it before. Growing up with a parent who is mentally ill is a challenge. We adapt, & we've been raised to see this behavior in our parent as normal.
3: You are not responsible for her. You can help if you wish, you can run away if you need to, but you are not responsible for her or her actions.
4: Do not let guilt, obligation, etc interfere with your family, your life, or your decisions. You owe your mom nothing except what you are willing & able to give, & never at the risk of losing your family or interrupting your life beyond what is reasonable.

Since she is convinced that your dad is the bad guy, maybe you can use her delusions to your advantage. Tell her how concerned you are about her, about her stress level. Mention that you wish she would see someone, someone who can help her to get rid of this stress, how unfair it is for her to be living with all this pressure & worry. Use the situation to entice her to get help. It may or may not work, but if it doesn't then you're left with waiting until something happens that forces her to get help, if that ever happens at all.
As far as dealing with her on a day to day basis, my advice is to keep it simple. Talk generic, let her do most of the talking. When it gets into one of her delusions...change the subject or divert it to something else. Try seeing someone yourself, just so you can learn what to do & say, how to reduce the stress on you & your other relationships, etc. You might be surprised at what you learn about yourself. Us kids growing up with that type of thing, we take on a lot of things that don't belong to us, & we learn adapting methods that may not be so healthy. I did.

I wish you luck, & I hope at some point she is willing & able to get help, regardless her specific problem. Just don't forget to take care of you in all this. You can't control her, but you can control how you let it effect you (when it gets too tough, knowing that you do still power over you can be a lifesaver).

first of all you have to try and understand what 'delusional' means. The exaggerated suspicion, the plots and all, this has nothing to do with imagination. Absolutely nothing. This is not imagination.

These are symptoms of a disease of the brain. It's neurological. The person doesn't think their way into this. It's a symptom just as a head ache is a symptom of migraine or a leg that won't hold your weight is a sign of a broken leg.

All the plots and everything - these are about neurology. They are symptoms - she can't do anything about them.

Never argue with a symptom.

And don't take hostility personally.

You can soothe her a little by following a routine, by never arguing about the truth of the delusions, and by talking in a simple, straightforward way to her. But the only real treatment is medication.

Never argue with a symptom. It's pointless. Listen and be very nice and focus on how these things make her feel, do not ever agree or disagree with the facts or truthfulness of a delusion. 'The neighbors are in on it!!' 'Oh you poor thing, thinking about that must make you feel just awful'. 'Your husband is one of the evil ones!' 'This idea must really be scary for you'.

If she asks, 'have you see the neighbors wiring my air conditioner?' simply tell the truth, 'No, momma, I'm sorry, I have not seen them do that'. But try to not let the conversation go there.

If she asks you to do something that you can do, do it. So for example if one of my folks is having hysterics about me cooking them something with hot water, I smile and run the cold water from the faucet, and that is how trust is built. If they want doors locked, I lock 'em. Curtains down? You bet. Whatever makes them comfortable. If you look at it that way, that these things are an opportunity to build trust, they become very easy to do.

A high priority with a really paranoid person is NOT arguing about the delusion, but to keep that trust, keep that bond, between you. No, I don't mean you should ever interfere with treatment or lie for them. I mean that when you are interacting with your person you think about bonding with them and building trust and that will guide your actions.

You can't take that to the point of interfering with them getting treatment, or pretending to the authorities that they're not ill, or anything like that, of course. I only mean that if you clear your head of all the other issues and just think about building trust, you'll know how to act when you are with them.

Delusions are the most stubborn of the 'positive' (meaning things added - like delusions and hallucinations) symptoms. It takes a fair amount of time for medication to help them. Sometimes all it can do is just prevent any new delusions from forming and reduce the intensity of the ones she has so she is less compelled to act on them.

Since she has been sick for a very long time, her disease has most likely progressed a lot. She probably has other symptoms as well. You may not get a full picture of her level of disability unless you spend a lot of time with her.

Sometimes you can get them to get help willingly. You can talk about seeing a counselor as she's under a lot of stress(that's for darn sure, being paranoid is horribly stressful), and gradually get her to agree to go see a social worker or counselor at your county's mental health services (generally cheap or free, too). They will build a relationship with her despite her paranoia (or at least they will try, she may be too ill by this time, for this to work, but I have seen it work with some very, very sick people), and know how to talk to paranoid people, and will try to get her to accept treatment.

It's called 'baby steps' and sometimes it's your only option. You'd be amazed at the people it can work with. You'd think they'd be way too paranoid to keep attending their appointments but if you get the right person, they know how to give the person respect and dignity, and often that is what makes this work. The key is to get the family worry, pressure and anxiety out of the picture and just let the people at county services give it a try.

An other route is waiting for them to hurt someone or get into some other kind of legal trouble, then write a letter to her judge and attend court when the judge is hearing her case, and plead for him/her to order mental health treatment for her.

Another route is to look at how disabled she is. Can she perform activities of daily living - self grooming, using a toilet, paying bills, buying food at the store. Can she cook and avoid obvious dangers like traffic. Sometimes adult protective services and the court can require outpatient or inpatient treatment if the person Is disabled enough that they can't perform activities of daily living.

The other thing to look at is, if she has gone on like this for years and years, and you can't get her into treatment, then support her as she is. This is your only option sometimes, with people who can still perform activities of daily living and haven't happened to run afoul of the law or out and out threaten anyone. So you do as much as you can for her, try to keep her from getting hurt, gently talk her into doing things she has to do, listen very kindly and calmly to the delusions, and you pray a lot. Sticking to a routine, talking in simple sentences (they understand far less than you imagine), and just being really nice and understanding and not getting upset at what they say --- it's not much, but sometimes it's all you got.

You have to keep in mind that this is a herculean job, and not be angry with yourself if at some point, something happens to her.

This is the reality of mental health care today. Love them, try to keep them as safe as you can, be very kind, and pray a lot. Sometimes that's all there is.

[quote="Worried_In_Cali"]My Mother and Father separated nearly 5 years ago. After years of dealing with my dads drinking problem and what my mom (claims) was a prescription drug problem, she decided to leave him when she said he was trying to poison her.....

Smithywise, your description of the perception it takes on the part of us who are trying to understand delusions is so spot-on. The way you've distilled the upset and trauma down to the essentials, along with the possible steps and their realistic outcomes, and the necessity of maintaining ourselves, in such a clear and understanding way is wonderful. Your post should be made part of the permanent posts at the top of this forum. Thank you so much!!

Unfortunately nowadays, the NHS won't do anything until anyone is of danger to themselves or others. My mother suffered with DD for over 5 years. She is convinced these 'people' are surveying her and putting things online about her. She thinks they can hear her through the TV, telephone and computer even when they are switched off. She believes these 'people' have made millions of pounds from putting things online about her and thinks we, as children, are involved as well as the government. She is completely toxic and has been a terrible mother for a long time now. She was only sectioned into hospital after a particularly bad episode where she was bashing her head with the side of a cleaver when she was alone in the house with my younger brother and sister (7 and 11 years old).

In hospital she acted completely normal, as she always does with other people, but the doctor's could see she had problems after she told her 'story'. The medication is not helping and she gets worse every day. She shouts at the top of her lungs for over 50% of the day in which is is awake about how these people have 'wronged' her, even throughout the night when my younger siblings have school the next day.

In my anger, I have called her 'crazy' before and she completely lost it. Questioning their beliefs definitely does not help. I have almost no relationship with her whatsoever, and do not wish for one, she makes us all terribly unhappy and I can not forgive her for continuing to ruin my younger brother and sister's lives. Even with the so called support from the community health team, she has continued to get worse since leaving hospital. They, in my opinion, are completely useless and plan to take her off her medication and have failed to update us, the family, in over two months.

I think it is important to understand that these people can not be saved, and they will suck all happiness from around them wherever they go. I suppose my mother and I were never particularly close to begin with since she is a very closed person, and we are very different, therefore I feel no need to rebuild our relationship. However, even if I offered support, she would not take it and assume I was plotting something.

Mental disorders - the more serious disorders like bipolar and schizophrenia, do indeed run in families. Even the Amish say, 'It's in the blood'.

But they don't inherit like anything you ever learned about in school. Like most disorders that involve MANY genes, the inheritance of it is actually follows a puzzling pattern - puzzling to most who don't study genetics, anyway. If your mom had schizophrenia, you'd only have a 12-14% chance of getting it yourself(unless many other CLOSE relatives in the family had it or a related illness). Even identical twins only both get a major mental illness, about half the time(meaning if you took every single pair of identical twins who had one schizophrenic sibling, the other sibling would only have it in about half those identical twin pairs).

I'm not actually sure she has delusional disorder. It really takes a psychiatrist to make that determination. She might have schizophrenia or bipolar, or even, depression with psychotic features. It could be any of those.

Don't argue with her. Just nod and say, 'That's so sad mom, I'm sorry you have that worry', or something like that. Be nice, be sympathetic. Don't agree - just say that it's such a sad thing and so on. Try very hard to keep to a strict routine when you see her or schedule visits. Try to do things as much the same way as you can. Warn her of changes of plan or routine, as far ahead as you can, repeatedly. Speak in a simple way yet try to not sound patronizing or talk 'baby talk'. For example, I don't say, 'Oh, ok, if you really want to', I would just say 'yes'.

Hopefully you can keep contact with her, and when the inevitable happens and she worsens and commits some minor crime (bothering someone or something else, hopefully minor) you can insist to the judge that she needs involuntary treatment. Mental health courts exist in many jurisdictions and they can require people to stick with treatment.

Sometimes there just isn't much you can do except find out how to keep the person from getting agitated and just kind of avoid arguing with them. But I would strongly suggest you contact the organization in your area that deals with health care guardianships and adult protective services.