Suicide, Solipsism, and Detachment

I've never been one to label myself with symptoms but I find that these words help better express what I'm trying to say. Sorry for some of the bad grammar and spelling, English isn't really my strength.This will be a little bit of a lengthy post because it requires some back ground info.

I've always questioned. When I was away from friends and family I just liked to sit there and contemplate everything. I would get headaches in 3rd grade trying to fathom how big the universe was and was very angry due to some suppressed problems with existence (my anger was blamed on the divorce of my parents). In middle school I switched to Atheism, I was the kind to rub it in your face and tell you you were wrong, but near high school I started getting to harder questions. For the first time the thought that there might not be an answer hit me and I entered severe depression. I wanted a two plus two type of answer, something I knew I would never accept. Once I did my best accepting (getting bored of sadness and questioning it constantly) there was no way of approving or disproving god I turned to suicide, not because of depression but for the sake of discovery. What lies beyond? That question has haunted me for what seems like a long time and has prompted quite a lot more with it.

As I went along in freshman year everything started feeling less and less real. Since I realized science was no longer a valid thing to turn to I questioned the validity of everything. I began getting panicky because I didn't know if anything mattered or was real. One of my family members died and when I was told I felt absolutely nothing, why was everyone crying? They don't even know where the person was. If they think they're in heaven why would you cry? Am I the only being in existence? If you die is your reality separated from mine? Maybe I can die in your reality but I can't in my own and vice-verse. So I've become an odd sort of Solipsist. I'm not sure whether my reality is the only one or not, so I ache to test it not only with suicide but with testing it with others. If I put a gun to someones head and asked them why they wanted to live would the program glitch out all of the sudden? Would Truman Show music start playing and a voice come over the sky shouting "STOP! STOP!"? I'm so indifferent towards everything but at the same time hate it all. I could so easily break someone with a simple pocket knife, is that not incredible? They covet life so preciously and to me it would be amusing to torment them for it. Why does it all have to be so easy for them? So ignorant, but then I question what ignorance is...

I find myself looking at my hands and at walls quite often. I look at my hands because it seems so absurd that my mind is contained in such a body. Why can't I bend everything to my will if it all really is in my head? What locked me out? It seems impossible for absolutely anything to exist, but without existence what is there? Space? Space is occupied in something. I seem to know the answer to what I'm looking for but continue to search. I look at walls because I can imagine zooming in to the atoms that make it up, then going deep enough to find a universe inside it, and eventually come back to the wall. Infinite realities with subtle differences. One reality in the atom of a fish in the coast of Antarctica that contains a universe where our sun is 0.0001 meters towards the north star than it normally is and stupid stuff like that. All of these universes are happening at the same time and contain each other in some type of zero dimensional space. I don't believe this but it's all that makes sense to me. Well as much sense as possible.

I find time a weird concept as well because people make it out to be a 'thing'. If existence is both everything and nothing then what can time be considered. I think that in some emptiness there was a spark. A spark smaller than nothing and no longer than taking up no time at all, in which everything happened. I have a hard time explaining this through text but I would still have difficulties doing so through word of mouth too. I've tried to explain some of this to people but forget that for the most part they don't question any of it. Is the point of life just to live? NO! That can't be it! All of this! FOR NOTHING?!

Do I have attachments to people or do I feel I should? Do I feel remorse or do I feel I should? It would be so easy to answer all of this, to find it all out. I've come under the utmost certainty that I can't die, so why not play with it? To be certain of anything is to be ignorant, however. Can all that we are, all we've ever thought, felt, and learned, really just disappear forever? Lost in emptiness? I find myself getting frustrated just sitting here typing this because I can't find the right words to describe it.

I occupy my time gaming quite heavily. I don't do any school work whatsoever and just waste time until I can go home. I have a good family life, good friends, not poor in the slightest. Maybe I'm just a spoiled brat who doesn't realize what it's like to work hard and care for someone. I use my gaming as a distraction from the questions because it's a perfect reality. One without imperfect people and an imperfect world. People wonder why there's no peace yet they will kill some over their favorite band! What on earth keeps them from questioning? Is it all a test? Do I care about my family? Does any of it matter or is it all that matters? I just want to block everything out and wrought my mind away with video games but apparently I need money and have to be successful and what not. I'm not really that sad right now. I'm not suicidal or homicidal. I'm just existing...and I don't like it. I'm not really sure what I'm asking you guys, I know i'll get bored of the questions eventually and that a lot of this just comes with being a hormonal teenager (I'm 16). I see a lot of other teens my age obsessed over sex, bands, and fitting in and cut their ######6 wrists over it, acting like they know what pain is, but do I? Questions... Am I beyond them or is that arrogant to think? What does it mean to be arrogant?!! It all just loops back and self-destructs in on itself so that I come to the eventual outcome that none of it matters.

I can barely have normal conversations anymore because I'm constantly twitching around, mind buzzing. While listing to them I'll see a car, where was the windshield made, who made it, what was their life like. It's all so ginormous. At the same time I'm counting intervals, every single persons footsteps don't match up and I can't stand it! I can be deafened in a silent, empty room is seems like.

I guess I'm asking for words of advice? I've never been on medication. I've never wanted to just numb it all away because the thoughts would never go away, they'd just be lurking in the background. I suppose a lot of this is just waiting. I'm still young and have a lot to learn. I don't know what but I didn't know what in middle school either.

Sorry if some of this isn't properly explained, I'm very fragmented lately, thoughts are scattered more than usual and I have trouble focusing on simple things now. The type of philosophy I find interesting i almost can't read anymore. Feels like my mind is deteriorating and I'm constantly confused and angry, unlike the calm, collected, observer I was last month.

Hi,
I just wanted to respond to say, I hope you talk with a professional therapist about these feelings. I think it would be good for you.
Sunny

Krocket, here are few ideas:
- meditation might help
- Death of love ones seems to cause grief even if you don't feel it at the time. Eventually it comes out in some form. Maybe that's why you are feeling confused lately?
- I don't know about the religious stuff, but I try different things to see what gives me more comfort.

Also, you ought to go to a psychiatrist and see if that helps.

I haven't been to therapists or psychiatrists since I was a boy and that was when I was really angry (punching other kids, slamming my head on desks, and breaking school property). I've always had a problem with them because they promote the idea that they know what the right way to live is (I know this is not the case). I know the sadness comes and goes and that acting off emotion and goofing around is the basic point of life, I just come back to depression and it's just going to be that way for a while. I have a lot of friends who I can tell try very hard to make me happy when I'm not, so they help me put on a smile I eventually start to believe. Reason to life? Reality? God? I'll get bored of the questions eventually and even though they're in my head maybe I do just need to vent them to a professional. Thanks

Krocket,
I'm wondering if you're still around...? Maybe I could learn something from communicating with you in hind-sight of your thoughts... (Which I just discovered tonight). I tremendously identify with detachment and almost everything else you stated... (except the Truman Show bit). I find it incredibly strange to know that someone only 16 years of age could even be dealing with thoughts like this?! I'm 28 years old next month / I'm in school for Computer Programming /I have a passion for psychology and researching consciousness / INTP / 5w4. Detachment and surrealism seem to be the best map of the territory for what I think, feel, and experience at the moment. It would be cool to know how things played out and where you're at now with life... Did you overcome? Do you have goals? I figured maybe I could learn another thing or two from your experience after the fact... I've researched a lot of sources relating to suicide and never have I found anything I identified with as much as what you wrote... (I cant even find people my own age who know what "detachment" and "solipsism" are..) Actually, I became a member for the single purpose of communicating with you about these things* So please if you don't mind... (fill me in)

...its not tht unusual to have these kind of thoughts....everyone has them....its been compartmentalized over here. if udont do that then ull just obssess 24/7. what we did is put it in one self. after pushing it into once corner n conciously keeping it all there.....after a while u just have that blank space...u dont have to constantly think about it. i dont anymore...

You are just way more intelligent then the majority of people asleep. I have no feelings when people die either. I am happy for them actually. Who wants eternal life anyways here on earth. I really related to everything you said. Thank you.

I can totally relate to much of what you're all saying. Essentially the difference for me is that belief in God and science are not incompatible. God is ineffable, wise beyond our imagination, and can forgive almost anything (apart from not believing in him), and so he has passed some knowledge onto our peers so they can begin to discover how his universe works.

However (and this is a big 'However!') that knowledge can't be used except in certain contexts e.g. most people don't believe in spirits but do in bad luck, most don't believe in a messiah but do in propaganda etc. I hope this makes sense. Take care x