Just in need of support

Ok Everyone I just need to vent, so if I come off sounding a little angry forgive me....

Wednesday husband was supposed to pick up our son from his brothers. Daycare was closed and sil was sitting. I asked him to take off but he said he didn't have the time. When I called to verify he was doing pick up he said he was sick and did not go to work. My brother in law wound up bringing our son home. Funny thing is my sil said they predicted this.


Yesterday was Saturday. This is the day my husband has agreed to take our son to swimming in the morning and then he has him until 7:00. This has been our arrangement. I was scheduled to work yesterday. He calls me late Friday telling me he can not take him he scheduled his car inspection. At first I say ok and then talk to my sister who gives me an earful about our son is his primary responsibility and he should have to get a sitter just as I would. So I call him back and say to bad I have to work you will have to take our son along for whatever you need to do (so son will miss his swimming). My husband calls Sat morning saying if I can drive him to get his car he can take our son swimming. So I do it feeling suckered but not wanting our son to miss swimming because he really looks forward to it.

I work all day....

I call at 6:40 to ask if he wants me to pick him up on my way home. He says our son is sleeping. I said what?? His bed time is 8:30. He says well I asked him at 1:00 if he wanted to take a nap and he said no. (1:00 is regular time and I get atleast 2 1/2 hours) I said you don't ask him, YOU are the adult not him. He said he was bouncing off the walls at 1:00. I said did you give him gatorade again? he said yes. This makes him speed from past experience. He says should I wake him up? Duh!!

Today.....I call to see if he is still picking him up at 4:00. No return call. He shows up and tells me he will give me the bills for his car repairs to pay. I said I am not paying your car repair bills. He says I give you money. I said yeah and it pays your car payment, day care and our car insurance. I pay for the very large mortgage and everything else. He agreed to give me less and pay his own car insurance. When you figure it out he is not coming our ahead. We go down stairs and my son is upset and just wants to hug me. I didn't realize he was listening. To this point all of our discussions have been out of his hearing. He is not used to any bickering. He calms down when my husband asks him if he wants to go for water ice. We have both tried to be cival on account of our son. We proceed to the deck where I am going to powerwash the deck. I asked him to run through the powerwasher with me. I have done it before but god forbid I screw something up I will have to get an earful out of him. He sees our pool that he insisted on buying last summer. (Yes my fault for giving into his every whim). My girlfriend and her boyfriend were over earlier to help me start opening it since I don't have a clue. He makes a comment that he is worried about the pool. I say they know what they are doing. He says he is worried for Christopher's safety. I said what. He says you are always on the phone and something could happen. Now mind you that when he lived here I took care of our son 95% of the time and if you ask family and friends they would probably say 100%. Last year every night I would say did you remove the ladder and he would give me a look that I knew it was not done.

I could just feel him trying to control and belittle me. Nothing nice to say. Not I see you got the pool started, it looks good. AHHHH!

I think the time is coming to file for support and custody and just need the guts to bring myself to do it. I don't know what I am waiting for.

So am I overreacting? Any thoughts?

That's all for now. Hope your ears don't hurt to much!

Hi Happymom,

A little angry, yes, but totally justified! And venting is an important thing to do for your well-being.

In a subtle way your husband is harming your child, not to mention damaging you financially.

If you feel the time has come to act, then do it! But wait a couple of days until you are feeling nice and calm and nice and strong.

Best of luck

Alex

Hi Happymom,

I think I can give you some advice. I've been married 27 years and my wife has had delusional disorder for more than half that time. It took me awhile to figure out that there is mental illness and there is personality. They are different. If my wife were nicer, it wouldn't be so bad but its the nastiness that made it difficult. My children say that someone can be mentally ill but they also can be a little nicer.

Years ago, I made the decision that it was better for my children to have a Mom although mentally ill than it is to have no Mom. However, over the years, she distrusts all of us and has turned into her own world. I don't know your exact situation or feelings but I can say that if you have an opportunity to start over...I think you should. For me, the impact on my finances, the impact on my children and my life in general has been great. If I could do it over agan, I would rethink my earlier decision.

Reggie

Reggie,

Welcome to the forum. Thank you very much for the advice. I know what I have to do it's a matter of doing it. I am taking one step at a time but I know at this point there is no going back. My life is so peaceful now. If you don't mind me asking, how old were your children when their mother became mentally ill? Could you give us parents trying to do what's best for our children a little insite on their perspective? Are they older now? What are their feelings?

Hi Happymom,

I can't tell you how welcome I feel just reading everyone's postings. This disease has been very isolating for me. My story is a very long one so you will get the condensed version. Unfortunately, I was always busy at work and not focused on what was going on at home. My wife would say things like she is not getting along with the neighbors, etc. and I never picked up the fact that she was really ill until much later in the game. She was always a little quirky and I just thought it was part of her personality. She got worse so slowly that there was never a point where she was so odd that I recognized the illness. I feel very bad about that because I became an enabler.

To make a very long story short, she convinced us that she had a stalker after her. At the time, the children were 7 and 10. We moved many times. My son was in three high schools! One year, she kept them out of school for three months because she "knew" something was going to happen to them. As you can tell, there were many arguments, talk of divorce, etc. but I capitulated for the sake of keeping the family together. Believe it or not, I thought she needed help but I did not appreciate the depth of her illness. Anyway, the children felt they were helping Mom get away from the stalker. I never realized just how sick she was until I was out of work for six months. Then all the pieces fit together and I told the children that there was no stalker. At this time they were both in high school. They were not happy campers. Fortunately for me, both children are good kids with good friends no tatoos, body armor, etc. My son is now 26 graduated from UCLA and is getting his MBA. Daughter, 23, graduated from Berkeley and is in school to become a physical therapist. However, there is a distance between them and Mom. There was a time when it was very far apart but as they get older they have become wiser and see the illness for what it is. Had I to do it all over again, I think I would have set her up in a small apartment somewhere and continue my life as it was. I had a wonderful house in New York with great friends. I now find myself in a condo and with very few friends. I hope this helps. Reggie

Hi Reggie,

Welcome. As you know, having a loved one "come down" with this illness is very isolating. It's good to have another perspective arrive on this forum. Someone like you who has been there through the long haul.

Not only would it be good for us, to hear more of your story and the progression of your wifes illness, but it would also be good, I would think, for you to unburden your self of years of untold stories. ( I assume outside of your family, not too many people know the full story )

From what you have posted here so far you sound bitter and victimized by your choice to "keep the family together". I wonder why you are still with your wife given the kids are out of the house for quite some time now, and doing quite well I might add. Is there still love between you two?

I could pry and pry. I have so many questions I would love to ask you. I am choosing to stay with my husband and your experience could be informative for me as I walk this road with him.

Perhaps you might find the time and the energy to tell us more. You would be offering a great gift. Something good could come from your misfortune.

Ok - I guess I wasn't too subtle I hope you don't feel put off by my request. I respect what ever you decide.

Hab

Hey Happymom, You can pry all you want but I'll probably draw the line somewhere.

What is love? I guess it takes many forms. We were childhood sweethearts; dated since we were 15. I met her in a candy store...get the picture. So she is not just someone who has taken a portion of my life. At this point, I must say it is more of a brotherly love than a love between a man and wife. I would like it to be more but I'm part of the conspiracy against her.

Although my children are grown, I have noticed that they still look to me for direction. They do what I do. I believe divorce would still impact them at this age but that is not why I'm not getting one.

I am going to have to really think this through as to why I'm not getting one. Like so many things in life, there is usually more than one reason. For example, she has no family. I would become conservator or maybe one of my children. That doesn't seem to be a good result.

I want to make sure that I say this just the right way. There are some warm reasons and cold reasons. It will take some time to articulate this. Reggie

Reggie,

It is me, Hab, not happymom who's doing all the prying. Thanks for attempting to put things into words. I know it's not easy. Even now there are things brewing in the back of my mind that I would like to post here about my husband's disorder but they just haven't congealed to the point of writing.

I guess what I'd like to know is how your wife's condition progressed. What the story line was of her delusions and how did they change over time. Was it always of the conspiracy type. Where you always a target of the delusion, included in the conspiracy as you say?

It would also help to know how you interacted with her and her delusions. Where you angry a lot of the time? Did you confront her with the need for treatment often? That sort of thing...

Thanks, Hab

Hi Hab, Sorry about getting you confused with Happymom, you all look alike to me. I've not done the message board thing before.

You asked how my wife's condition progressed over time. Your question has brought back memories that Ihave not had for quite some time.

It began imperceptably at first, with clicks on the telephone. My wife was always a little quirky. She was an artist/designer and very well known in the New York cosmetics industry. Artists are always a little quirky, right?

Looking back on it, I would say the first time she was demonstrably paranoid was when we moved to Connecticut. She put a device on our telephone because she thought someone was listening in. She heard "clicks" on the line. Frankly, Connecticut is one of those states where the phone and electricity are always suspect...with winter storms and all. I really didn't give it much thought but she was 5 months pregnant and if it gave her comfort it was fine with me.

Her feelings slowly progressed over years. There are years where nothing was evident and then there were years where she clearly believed someone was after her. I would say it took a good ten years from the phone incident I described above to the point where she said she believed someone was after her. There was some reality mixed in here because she was very attractive and would get phonecalls (hangups, hangons, obscene). There are many anecdotes I could go into here but I did not become part of the conspiracy until I began to stop her from trying to either run from or find out who was after her.

As I mentioned in an earlier note, there is mental illness and there is the personality of the mentally ill person. With my wife, she has some traits that don't fit well with mental illness. First, she is extremely street saavy. Her father died when she was ten and her mother died when she was 17. She lived on her own in NYC and fended for herself. She will say and do whatever it takes to get her where she needs to go. Second, she is relentless. I have never seen anyone work harder than her. Even as something as mundane as painting a room, she will work through the night to get it done. Third, she is the smartest person I know. Much smarter than many of the psychiatrists/psychologists that she has "confronted."

When I realized, what I thought, she was being too sensitive. I suggested that many she needs a little help. Maybe she should see a shrink. However, her goal was to get the psychologists to validate her feelings. She would say, "Isn't is possible that someone is after me?" Once they said yes to that statement, she was done. After that, I would go see psychologists to have them help me help my wife (I am not impressed with many of the professionals I met). We even tried marriage counseling. Here, at any time someone was agreeing with me, she would become very angry. This may be the first time that we became opponents.

Well, after several moves, we wind up in California because she believed, and I agreed, that she needed a fresh start. However, the symptoms didn't go away. This is when I realize she is extremely ill. I found a forensic psychiatrist and met with him for three hours describing my wife's symptoms. He said she needs to see a doctor. Several months and anecdotes later, by the strangest of circumstances, I met this social worker who said that no matter what my wife said to me I was to say "You need to see a doctor; you need medicine."

That's exactly what I did. If my wife said, "that red car is following us." I would say, "you need to see a doctor..." If she said "good morning." I would say, "You need to..."

After a couple months, she finally said "just to shut you up, I'll go see a doctor."

The next hurdle is how do you help a paranoid person select a doctor. We go over to the hospital and they gave her a list of 20 doctors and she selected one. Then, every day I would drive her to the doctor's office and she would sit outside the building and say "I know that if I go in; I will never come back out." This went on for weeks. Finally, the doctor came out and met with her in front of the building and she slowly started meeting with him. She then agreed to try some medicine as a high school graduation present for my son.

She went through all the usual medications but only one seemed to do the job. Here is where the importance of the relationship between doctor and patient comes to play. Her psychiatrist moved out of town and she never connected with the new one. So about four years ago, she stopped taking medication.

On the medication, she was fat and docile. More like a piece of furniture. So her impact was not really felt. Off medication, she is thin and psychotic. She talks to the "cameras" in the back yard. She won't go to the dentist because he will put microphones in her teeth. All in all, its kind of like living with a homeless person.

I could go on for hours but here is a good place to stop.

Reggie

Reggie - your story is fascinating because it sounds a lot like mine. Yes, there is a difference between a person with a paranoid personality, and a person with a paranoid/delusional disorder. I believe my wife had a paranoid personality when I met her 25 years ago. But I paid little attention to it. Just continuous reassurance that nobody is going to bother her about so many issues that were important to her. It was annoying to me, but just thought that was just her nature. Even my mother and my aunt (now deceased) told me privately that they thought she was a "little crazy", but they loved her anyway. The problem was, I was in love with her and was mostly blind to those ideosyncracies.

You mention not getting along with neighbors. Yep, my wife thought they were all in competition with us about who cut the grass first, planted flowers first, xmas decorations first, etc. Some times she would waste many hours of work, not to mention dollars redoing our whole display if any neighbor copied any thing we did. Now its not just the neighbors, but the whole town of 50.000 people. They are all in on the secret and making fun of her since she is not privy to it.

I don't remember any occurances of delusions until about 6 years ago. Me being part of the conspiracy (the leader in fact) didn't occur until about 2 and half years ago.

Unlike your beginnings as childhood sweethearts, my wife was 22 and coming out of her first marriage. I was 39, also coming out of my first marriage. She had the baggage of an abusive husband. She still says that the 3 or 4 years she was with him caused her to be this way. Our large age difference has made little difference until recently as I approach 65. She constantly asks what purpose there is in what has happened to her. Has it been to make her stronger to take care of herself when I go? She demands explanations for all of this which she blames on me. Of course there are none.

My wife is also one to work all night to complete something. Opposite of me who procrastinates starting until all details are worked out. But she claims she is being watched to see how hard she works. Sometimes she shouts at "them" that she is not going to do anymore until she understands why.

If you read my other posts, you will see I am vascillating daily to leave or not to leave her. You mention that you have moved several times to "get away" from her problems. Of course they are always with you. My wife has been trying to convince me to move for the last 10 years. Says a fresh start will improve things. I doubt it.

Welcome to the forum....