Just in need of support

Hi everyone,

I had a couple questions I thought you could all give your thoughts on. I spoke with my brother in law this week. He is now the one that gets to hear all of the new delusions that my husband is having. Some of the latest include that he is being followed by a van driven by the brother of a coworker of his that I am supposed to be sleeping with. He also claims that his coworkers must have stolen his keys and that is how they were able to get into our house before, because he can't see me just letting people into our house. His brother asked him if he now thought that I was not sleeping around and he said no that I still did that. He is now modifying his previous delusions. I have seen this happen in the past. His brother asked him about reporting this to the police. He said he did and they referred him to the detectives division but when he got there to report it there was no one available. Did he really go to the police or was this another delusion...who knows. My question is if that he does start to report things to the police how will they need to handle it. Can he be arrested for false reports, can this now be considered a threat to others? Just wondering how this might pan out. His brother told me that for the first time when he was telling him that he needed help and that he would go to the doctor with him, my husband actually considered it but then said no.

Anyway, life has been peaceful. When I look back I can't believe everything I put up with. To use an example Sisterfriend used in another post...It feels good to be able to just wave to somebody without worry that I will be accused of something ridiculous.

Things seem to be taking a turn for the worst. Over the past couple of weeks my husband has been urging me to get a security system. He told me this coworker is breaking in to my house and his apartment to retrieve information from spy devices that they have planted. He said that is how they know when my mother visits. He said they come through my back window and through his air conditioner. He told me this on the phone. He says, did you hear that echo, they are listening now. I asked him if they stole anything and he said no, they just come to retrieve information. I played along so me and his family could know what was going on in his head. My computer was down. He said his computer was down too. He says that's no coincidence. Yesterday he stopped over to pick up an air compressor. He said his tires keep going flat. He said it in that suspicious tone. So in my head I'm thinking, are they going flat or is this just another delusion. When I right these things in my journal and then reread them I want to laugh and cry at the same time. How long will it be until he crashes? He was invited to Easter at his brothers but refuses to go because he doesn't want to be somewhere where everyone thinks he is crazy. I am afraid this is getting bad and at what point will he snap. I feel bad for this person at work who has no clue of my husband's delusions about him. So in the meantime we just follow the law and wait until he hurts someone else or himself.

happymom,

Don't wait for him to snap. His whole perception of what is going on sounds so familiar to me; I feel so sorry for him. The people in the delusions never really interfere in your life the way real people would, but you are afraid none the less.

However, if he thinks friends or family might be seeing him as crazy, now is a good time to try to persuade him to go to the hospital to check things out. I remember thinking that something was amiss before my family convinced me to go to the hospital. Of course, I didn't think I was crazy - you just don't have a clue that such a thing can actually happen to you. I had never ever thought, read about or been around anyone who had "gone crazy" so I had no clue about such things - and in particular that it could happen to me.

But, I did think that something seemed to be amiss and I think that feeling helped me accept the help I needed. Tell his family to push harder on him when he indicates he is afraid he is going crazy - try to get him to go to the hospital to check things out. Just get him to go to the emergency room - not the psychiatric ward as that will scare him. The doctors will take things from there.

Good Luck and Best Wishes.

Mic

Dear Happymom,

Sorry to hear things have taken a turn for the worse. I feel for you. Many times I have thought this is it, my wife has snapped, it can't get any worse than this. I was wrong. From experience, I have to say this illness is cyclical, though I don't know the exact cycle--perhaps as many have suggested, it's related to stress.

I have to say beware of false hope/promise. It could be that he never snaps! As you've read in countless posts, this can go on for years and years and the person never reaches "bottom" like in other illnesses.

So it's not so much a waiting game. As much as you feel sorry for him and the damage he causes in his wake, you really have to move on.

I do agree with Mic's last post though. If you feel like he is in a particularly bad state, now is the time for complete family intervention-- if that is possible.

In my news, my wife, through her lawyer, asked permission to take the kids for spring break. I said ok. But I'm learning this week that they are not going anywhere, but just hanging around the house and doing day trips. It works out that I won't see the boys for a over full week (8 days). I'm loath to characterize her actions, but the word spite does come to mind.

I was saying goodbye to my younger son on Saturday night. I said I'm not going to see you for a week, and I'm going to miss you so give me an extra big smooch and hug. Mom was peering out the back door as usual and he told me he couldn't smooch or hug me because mom would see. That broke my heart.



Good luck

Alex

It almost makes you wish that the DD person is right, and that there are cameras and microphones spying on them. Then you would have proof of what is going on.

In your case, Alex, a court would have all the evidence they need to prevent the childrens exposure to your wife. It is really a shame what the younger kids have to go through.

Yes - stress! My observations of my wife indicate the least bit of stress or frustration triggers the DD acting out. Even threading a needle. In a case like that, she can't blame anyone if the needle is difficult to thread, but she will yell at "them" for watching and laughing at her, trying to make a fool of her.

After successful threading, the bad mood may go away, feeling proud of herself for conquering the needle. Or she may go on for another hour complaining that before "this" was thrust on her by "them" and me, she wouldn't have had such a tough time threading the needle. The needle is only a metaphor for many everyday tasks that takes a little finesse to do.

You are right, I don't think there is a total snap. It goes up and down like a roller coaster. However, I understand, Happymom, that things have gotten worse with your husband. I am amazed at your posts, that he is that far gone. I have not seen my wife go that far with her stories, but sometimes she starts to talk and then stops, saying, you won't believe me anyway. I encourage her to go on. She says, no, I can't tell you, you will really think I am crazy. I say, in a lighter mood, I think you're crazy now. What else is new? She walks away crying.

So, I don't know what else she is imagining but won't speak of. Maybe I don't want to know....

Just to bring everyone up to date...My husband and I have been cival towards each other since we talk frequently concerning our son. I signed my son up for swim lessons and my husband is taking him every saturday. I thought that would be a nice father/son thing and he agreed. So all in all things were going along in limbo peace. Last Sunday, my father in law was having a mass and lunch to honor my husband's deceased mother. My father in law invited me and said he wanted me there. I have told him if there is ever a time or event you think I should not attend just let me know. He said not to be silly that I will always be his daughter in law and I should go. The Saturday before, I picked my son up and said to my husband that my neice was sitting for my son on Sunday. He looked at me with a puzzled look. It seems as if he didn't remember Sunday's plans and then when I reminded him he was suprised I was going.
I found out Sunday morning that Sat night he called his brother and told him he was not going because I was going and that he didn't have a family anymore. His brother told him once again that he needed help and that they were not going to remove me from the family. He told him he hoped he came but it was his choice. My husband did show up but did not go to the lunch. He would not even look at me. So Monday came and he picked our son up from school and then I picked him up from his apt. He was as social as could be like nothing happened on Sunday. Kind of freaky!! Seems like he likes to make a lot of threats to be in control but doesn't follow through when his back is up against the wall. Also, I talked to him Monday afternoon to confirm he was picking up our son. I mentioned that I had a Dr. appt and would be about a 1/2 hour later than usual. He said no problem. This is the second time that I talked to him about this. When I got to his apt he said you are late. I said I had a dr appt. He said he forgot. It was only 4 hours since our conversation. This also concerned me. Has anyone else experienced this with their delusional spouse?

At the lunch his brothers said that he has been accusing people at work of doing things to him but they are trying to get involved before things escalate. I don't know all the details. I think they try not to bother me with things since they feel I have enough on my plate.

We have another family party this weekend. Should be interesting!

Yes - my wife does seem to have a short term memory problem more often then she used to. I think she is not actually hearing me. When I chide her for forgetting something I just told her, she says so many things are going around in her head she can't concentrate. Too many thoughts, images, etc.

She has no problem, however, remembering history that never happened, both short and long term.

EXACTLY what bsc said. And even on meds, it still happens. Their brain is so overloaded with stimuli that they can only take in so much of what we say. Yesterday my husband picked me up for my lunch break, we went to a diner and I ordered these cabbage rolls. He came over to have dinner with the kids & I, and asked if I was hungry. I told him I was still a little full from lunch, and then he said, "What did you have for lunch?" A little confused, I said "Cabbage rolls". He looked at me funny, and then the light went on-- he had forgotten that we had lunch together. He laughed, I laughed a little, but this is what we deal with every day. It plays against us when it's a kid's curfew that's forgotten or that they go to a friend's after school-- "Where were you!" is usually the angry outburst, but I've almost always been there to "remind" him before he goes any further.
And, yes, they hang on to EVERY DELUSIONAL DETAIL forever... those seem to never, ever slip their minds. What is up with that? This disorder seems to be completely twisted around and upside down.
Happymom,
About your previous posts, about if he will snap at those poor innocents that become part of his delusions, and about mic's comment about an intervention,
I have been worried for the safety of others many times, most often strangers or slight acquaintances that my husband has somehow linked either to my "adulterous" ways or that they were in on the "plan" to sabotage his business... he has never gone further than strange comments to them with that crazy look (like, "Just try to mess with me!") and I am thankful for that. I don't know what the odds are of a DD actually becoming violent with a person like that. I would think the odds are much higher of violence toward us because they feel so much more comfortable with us, especially at home where no one can see. Which is an oxymoron, isn't it, since "they" are always "watching!". Ugh.
The intervention by the brothers may happen if you explain to the two who don't seem to be involving themselves that just their physical presence is all that's required. We did an intervention with my brother-in-law a few years back, and many in the family did not want to go. Some, I think, didn't want him to think they were mad at him, or just didn't want to deal with it at all, but we got them there by letting them know they only had to sit and listen. We had our parish priest come as well. Only two or three people there actually did the talking, but with the physical bodies there in "support" I think it made a huge difference. My other brother-in-law, in a separate event, staged an intervention for a man he worked with that eventually ended up diagnosed Pschyzophrenic. Not many of the guys on the job wanted to be involved at all (after all, the guy was crazy, right?) but again, my brother-in-law encouraged them to come, even if they were just to sit there. The guy sought treatment, is on meds and is still on his job. The mill that they work at supported the whole thing and brought in counselors for the co-workers afterward to give them the skills they needed to learn how to work with him so that there wouldn't be that "elephant" in the room thing.
So, keep that in mind if you ever do think you need to take some action, or even if his brothers do and you aren't even a part of it. Each situation is different, and I'm sure you'll have a feel for what is right to do in yours.
Happymom, and others, I also wanted to ask... do any of you have nightmares about blow ups with your spouses? I have them almost every night, in one form or another, and I'm wondering when the "shell shock" is going to wear off...

Re nightmares. Yes, and also dreams where my husband is "normal" again. I'm going to a recently separated/divorced support group and find this seems to be related to a lack of closure. Normally, when couples break up, there are discussions about what went wrong - maybe one spouse's wrongdoing, or both spouses' failures to communicate, etc. And there is anger, rightous anger at betrayal. But with DD, there can never be that conversation, or that anger. My husband believes that I cheated on him for years, while he was the loving, faithful spouse who did all he could to make me happy. Then, for no reason at all, I left him. This is his reality. He is completely unaware of how his accusations and beliefs were what ended the marriage. That when he gave me the "wait four days between being with your lover and making love to me" rule, he put in place an impossible demand, one that made any kind of marital relationship impossible. Then he told me recently that we could never reconcile because my leaving him was the final straw, he lost all feeling for me when I left. There is no logic, there is no basis for communication - we live in different worlds. I don't know when the dreams will stop, but assume they will someday, when I finally come to terms with the fact that the only closure I will get will be the divorce papers. I will have to accept that my husband will go to his grave feeling that he is the innocent, injured party. That my 30 years of devotion and faithfulness and love and caring were all for nothing. And I have to accept the lack of anger. There is only a deep, deep sadness at what this disease has done to us both.

Sisterfriend,

I have not had the same type of nightmares. I tend to wake up during the night and then my head starts spinning with thoughts like..what happens if I lose my job?, how will I be able to support my son?, or how is my son going to handle all of this emotionally when he gets older? Tylenol PM has been a big help many nights! Fortunatly sleepless nights have been less frequent over time. Why is it that these things seem so much more troublesome while you are trying to sleep!

I picked up my son from my husband yesterday after work. He had that look about him. I asked him if he was going to the kids birthday party on Sat and he abrubtly said no. All his answers were real short. I wish he would pick a personality and stick with it! When I go home I received a bank statement. I noticed he reduced the amount of the deposit. Now I have to deal with this. Can't anything just go smoothly. I pay 3 bills with the money he deposits: Daycare, His car Payment and car insurance. Now I am 200.00 short each month. He just got a pay increase last month and now he reduces the deposit. Go figure. I worked it out on line that the money he was depositing is about the same amount I would get if I filed for support. So now I need to make the decision: Do It talk to him about it?, Do I say nothing (like he did) and persue this legally, Do I just stop paying his car payment? Any thoughts?

Faithful,

I thought about divorce support groups too but do to everything you mentioned I figured this is a situation not many can relate to. I think we would probably fit in better in a support group aimed at widows and widowers. It seems more like a death than a divorce.