Just in need of support

Hi everyone,

I just need to vent a little. I posted on this sight back in July and it was very helpful knowing there are others that understand.

My husband and I have been married 14 years. We tried for years to have children and couldn't. When the infertility first was diagnosed my husband accussed me of cheating with a friend of his. (Male infertility) He said he watched me through a door keyhole along with another friend. I had the friend come over and confront him and then everything went back to normal. Over the years he showed signs of jealousy but nothing over the top. We then adopted a baby 2 years ago. I thought our lives were almost perfect. Then back in april he said he wanted a divorce because I was sleeping around. His stories were off the wall. He claims he has seen me with so many different people and we were all making him look like a fool. The claims involve family, neighbors, strangers, his co workers etc. We went to therapy and it was helping. After it was not covered by insurance he would not go back. His family is aware of everything and knows he has a problem. It annoys him that they side with me. If you hear his stories it is obvious he has a problem. There are a few other things I guess I should mention... after 9/11 he thought he received an envelope with powder in the mail. He also thinks everyone at work is out to get him. He has got himself involved with neighborhood politics. He is always trying to impress his family with everyone he knows. That seems to be his whole drive is being important.

Well about a month ago he started acting strange again. One night he said nothing will be ok until I get help for my sex addiction. I blew it off. We went on vacation last week and had a nice time. I could tell that every once in a while he looked disturbed. When we were leaving for the airport from the resort I asked him to stop at the drugstore because I needed diapers for my son. When i came out he asked me what present I bought for my boyfriend. I was so angry. So the next day I was getting ready and asked him to keep an eye on our son. He got a little aggrevated because our son was getting into things. After a few words he said the one day he was just going to put an axe in my head. I told him that i was upset at the mean things he says to me and he said how do I think he feels knowing that I have been sleeping around for 10 years. He then went on to say he knows about me and the guy at his work. I don't even know who he is referring to. He says you know who it is. This person is telling everyone at work and making him look like an a@@hole. He said he has even seen me sneek men out our bedroom window. I talked to his family and they are so worried for me and my son. They said I have taken enough. They love their brother but it is not fair to me. On sunday told him I thought he should get an apartment. He said after christmas and I said I don't think he should wait. He said he will thing about it. Well since then he has been bearable. Monday I went on the internet to pay bills. I went on to my charge account. (I handle all the bills) There is a charge on there for 500.00 for an investigative service. I researched it and it is to check into spousal cheating. He didn't even have enough sense to use a charge I wouldn't see!

I am feeling so bad for my son. He loves his dad and his dad loves him. I want him to have a happy home. I love his dad to but I can't eat and can't sleep. I can't take this roller coaster ride. I want to do whatever is best for my son. He already has enough to deal with with the adoption and now his parents split. I don't know how he will handle all this. I feel like I am failing my husband as well . I don't know how I am going to handle this finacially but I figure we will get by somehow. Everyone is concerned, including his family.

Any advice would be great. Please keep us in your prayers.

Sorry for the babbling and spelling errors!!

Dear Happymom,

You have our full suport on this forum and I know that I speak for all that post here!

Everyone here knows what you're going through and we've all had very,very similar experiences.

If you have time, read through some of the earlier posts in this forum (and the Paranoid Personality Forum) and you'll see that at least you are not alone.


What to do?

That of course is the hard part and it entirely up to you.

But, if there is a real threat of violence, you should call 911 at right opportunity.

This is about what is best for you and your child. No doubt, your son loves his dad, but his dad is sick right now and it might be best to keep very close tabs on the situation. Your idea of your husband getting an apartment sounds like a good one, and while you know your own situation the best (i.e. how far you can push the issue) you probably should insist that after Christmas is not soon enough.

Do enlist the help of your husband's family (as you have done), and your own family as well.

I can say from experience what DOES NOT WORK: Anger and confrontation. Try to avoid these feelings and actions.

Patience is your only ally at this point.

Hang in there and anything we can do to help, we will.
You are in our prayers

Alex

Hi Happymom,
Glad you decided to post again. I agree with everything Alex said.

An important point is that it is impossible (physically impossible, due to the effect of the disorder on the brain's ability to process such information) to convince a delusional person that they are wrong. Thus, this is a futile effort, which will only makes things worse (because it makes the delusional person work harder to come up with new evidence and theories to "prove" they are right). And while it is perfectly understandable for you to feel anger, Alex is right in that the sooner you can reach an emotional state where you let go of the anger and accept that your husband's behavior is involuntary and due to a brain disorder, the better for both you and him.

One thought I have is that since you have a good relationship with his brothers, who care for him, you might want to discuss these kinds of issues (the nature of this disorder) with them, and try to come up with a better way of dealing with your husband. What I'm thinking is that it may be helpful if they start acting more sympathetic to your husband's concerns (not necessarily agreeing that he is right, but avoiding as much as possible telling him he is wrong, and focusing more on how he is feeling... since he really thinks you are having these affairs, he must be be pretty upset, and it would be helpful if he felt he could talk about these feelings with somebody he trusts... ). By doing so, they will hopefully gain your husband's trust, and they may then be in a position to convince him to see a psychiatrist to deal with the feelings he is having as a result of being convinced his wife is unfaithful (it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect that a man whose wife is constantly having affairs would get stressed and depressed to the point where he would need psychiatric help). This reason for seeking help would presumably be more palatable to him than the unacceptable notion that he is delusional. The psychiatrist would then hopefully make the correct diagnosis and treat him accordingly.

If you haven't done so already, do read the other stories and topics here as well as in the Paranoid Personality Disorder forum. You will find that there are others who are going through exactly what you are going through, and you may get some ideas of what to do, or find some hope to help you deal with everything.

Good luck, and let us know how everything goes.

Thanks for the support Alex and grb. Things are getting worse. First on Wednesday night he says to me "Want to have sex?" I said I thought you were moving out. He got a little huffy and that was that. He got a little more distant. Yesterday he spent the day mopeing. I rented a couple movies. We watched one and he was conversational during the movie. After the movie he came up stairs and asked me if the phone was tapped because the guys at work know everything about him. He has a gun and back in April when all this happened his father had me give it to his brother in law that is a cop. He went on to say that the guys at work new the gun was gone before he did and they were all laughing at him because he looked like an a@@@hole. He then said he would look for an apartment on Monday after work and would be out by 11/1. He said he can't stand being here and then said that he could not believe that I could sleep with this guy from work and that I would f@@@ anyone. There were actually more adjectives that I am leaving out as to not offend anyone.

This morning I called his brother and filled him in. He called him later and invited him down for football. He said I guessed you called my brother and now I have to go get ambushed. I just wanted him to get out of the house and stop mopeing.

I hope and pray that he can get help. On one hand I am happy he is leaving and on the other I am heart broken. His family has told me to take care of myself and son and they would worry about him. They don't think I am the one who can help him at this point. Do you know how far these delusions can go? Maybe us splitting is best for him. He has had delusions in other areas (Anthrax in mail). Will these delusions manifest themselves somewhere else if I am out of the picture?

Thanks for listening. Maybe I should start writing a journal. It could possible turn into a best seller!

Take care everyone.

Hi happymom,
Sorry to hear things are getting worse for you. Writing a journal is not a bad idea! ...as long as your husband won't find it!

Mixed delusions (e.g., jealousy and persecution-related) are possible (probably common), and I am guessing he probably would find something else to obsess about if you were out of the picture (that's not to say his delusions will not revolve around you even if he moves out!)

Unfortunately, I think his family is right: you cannot help him right now. The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself (and your son), and: if he moves out, do not let him move back in until he gets help. Hopefully his family is able to get him into treatment, and if you don't take him back until he is making an effort to get better, I think that would be an incentive for him (I have a feeling that although he is calling you all sorts of names now, when you are gone, he will want you back... read mrngstr333's posts in the Paranoid Personality Disorder forum here for a similar situation)

I feel for you about being heartbroken over letting him go. I pray it will never come to that between my fiancee and I... Hopefully your separation will be temporary, though, until he gets treated.

Also, you might want to suggest to his family that they check out this website. There are many people to learn from here, and some good resources (book excerpts and reviews, links, etc). And we are here for each other through the inevitable difficult times....

My thoughts are with you, and wishing you and your family good luck...

Dear Happymom,

Yikes... it does sound like things are getting worse. Hang in there.

From experience, I can say these episodes go up and down, though I've never established a firm pattern. I say that, because next week, your husband may seem completely normal and you may be fooled into thinking everything is OK. Don't be fooled!

I agree with everything GRB said in his post.

And it sounds like you're doing a lot of things right.

Thank god, you got the gun out of the house!

Do keep a journal and don't let him find it.
For now, since you are one of the main targets of his delusions, it is best for his family to try to help. And GRB's right on this: they need to be armed with as much information as they can get.

How far can these delusions go? No one can really answer that question, but you probably don't want to find out personally! There's no way to say how the delusions might change if he leaves. It's likely that you'll still be a target, though his family might take some of the heat as well.

If and when you husband leaves, try to remember it might be a temporary thing and don't give up all hope. For now it's the best thing until he finds a way to get help. It's good to remember that when and if this illness is treated, the sufferers often make a complete recovery. That is, their delusions do go away.

Hang in there and don't let your husband's anger get to you. Just try to switch it off and remember that he's sick. Try to react as little as possible to his cursing and angry acusations.

Best of luck to you, happymom

Alex

Hello Happymom
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear about all you've been going through lately. Mental illness, I believe, is amongst the top three illness (below cancer and heart disease) for causing suffering and diminished quality of life. I forget where I get that stat but I found it somewhere... I think we all know very well the suffering and pain it causes. grb and alex are right--your first job is to take care of your child and try and keep him out of the madness. I think Alex can offer some words about kids being a witness to a parents illness. My mom has the same delusion of anthrax--she believes she has been poisoned with anthrax for the past couple of years and insists she needs antibiotics. She doesn't understand that she would probably be dead by now if she really DID have anthrax poisoning but there is no use talking to a brick wall. My advice to you echoes Alex's and grb's advice. Be patient. Use your husbands family for support and as allies. Realize that he is sick, the same as if he was sick with cancer. And do not forget that you are a good person, and a good mom, and are undeserving of this pain. Perhaps find a support group meeting, the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill has local chapters. Check nami.org. Keep the faith.

Alex--you posted this earlier "It's good to remember that when and if this illness is treated, the sufferers often make a complete recovery. That is, their delusions do go away." I haven't heard this--that is incredible. Where did you find that information? I am dying to know more.

Take care all,
Sincerely
Nettie

Hi nettie,

Hope your eye is better!

Thanks for reminding Happymom that she is a good person. I know I often forget that when I'm caught up in the middle of all this and I start to blame myself. We all need to be reminded of this fact from time to time!

I heard that the prognosis is good for the few people ( less than 1%, I read somewhere) when treated with anti-psychotics.

That comes from GRB's and (I think Roger C's) excellent posts on Munro's $80 book: Delusional Disorder and Other Paranoid Related Illnesses. There is a whole topic on it here on the DD BBS.

Also, I believe that MIC who has posted here quite a few times, says her delusions have gone away since she began treatment.

There is always hope.

Take care,

Alex

PS: Oddly enough, as I was typing this the local library just called and said this very book (Munro's) has just come in. I've been waiting almost a month for it. If I were a paranoid sort, this would really freak me out! Luckily, I'm more into Jung's concept of synchronicity!

Hi Nettie,
Yes, outcome is generally very good if the patient gets (and complies with) treatment. Munro provides a review of the clinical literature on p. 231 of his excellent book (see the thread Books that may help in this forum for information on how to read this $80 book for free online; or the thread Treatment of delusional disorder for some excerpts from the book).

These are the statistics Munro reports:

For all studies (209 cases) that have tried using drugs to treat delusional disorder, 53% of patients recovered fully, and 28% recovered partially (defined as "partial remission of symtpoms, significant reduction of anguish, and reasonable social adjustment"), so over 80% showed significant improvement. However, since many of these studies are old, and there are now better drugs, the odds of recovery are better than 80%. Case in point, Munro has had good success with pimozide, and he reports full recovery in 69% of those treated, partial recovery in 22%, which makes for a total of over 90% showing significant improvement. Munro rightly notes that it is very difficult/impossible in these kinds of studies to know whether the patient actually took the drug, so it is very likely that at least some of those who did not appear to respond to drug treatment were simply not taking their pills (which means 90% is a low estimate of the chance of success).

From the two examples of treatment I have seen on this bulletin board (Mic and Tara's husband), it seems the drug of choice among psychiatrists is now Risperdal. Munro's book is from 1999, and it is possible that Risperdal has since been shown to be more effective (and/or safe) than pimozide, but I have not seen any studies on this drug.

Do read this section in Munro's book (or at least the posted summary)... many of us here have found hope in it. It's in Chapter 13 (how's that for irony? ).

Take care...

Hi everyone,

I just read your previous posts about results from treatment. It sure did lift my spirits! Thanks! I am gathering all the info I have found through my research and forwarding it to my husbands brother in hopes that it will be useful to helping him getting my husband help. Like I said previously, his family told me to take care of me and my son and they would focus on him. Is there somewhere on this website that we could start a site of useful links? I am often going through past posts looking for links that I had previously seen and want to relocate. Just a thought.

My husband went out looking for an apartment yesterday and should be out of the house by the end of the month. Although I am very sad and am also looking forward to some peace.