Delusional Jealousy?

My husband has also accused me of having psychiatric problems, which I believe is basically projection. I have seen a psychiatrist. Except for the stress I've been exposed to having to live with the man he has become, I am decreed absolutely fine. He still won't see a psychiatrist. Unless I take a polygraph, which I refuse to do because I feel I should not be made to undergo any type of "examination" after everything else he's put me through. Plus I find them fallible, as do the courts where we live.

I just watched the two parts of Dr. Xavier Amador's lecture on Youtube. All I can say is "wow!" I think if I had seen them during the last 3+ years of my marriage, things might have turned out differently.

My ex was diagnosed with DDJ after we went through parental evaluation during the dissolution process. I also did a polygraph about 8 months prior to his eventual filing of divorce. Though it was humiliating at the time, I think the polygraph helped the psychiatrist with her diagnosis. My ex explained to her that because I cried during the polygraph, the retired police officer who conducted the polygraph must had been influenced and thus was sympathetic, and let me pass. The fact of the matter is, my ex would never, ever believe in the results of the polygraph if it contradicted with his belief that I had been cheating on him. Nothing at all would change his belief, as if it was hard-wired in his brain.

I believe all things happen for a reason. 5 years later, I am now happily engaged to a wonderful man. I still have to deal with my ex on a regular basis because of the children. He is still delusional. The latest one was he accused my fiance and I spying on him. He is also difficult to deal with because he still has cognitive distortion when it comes to matters related to me. I am glad that I watched the videos because I am going to try to deal with him a little different from now on.

If you don't have a lot of time watching the two hours of both videos, I'd suggest that you definitely should watch the second one.

Yes the videos allowed me to empathize with what she what she believes to be true. I don't like it but I also realize I would respond the same way if I had the same condition.

-- Thu Nov 14, 2013 8:32 pm --

Yes the videos allowed me to empathize with what she what she believes to be true. I don't like it but I also realize I would respond the same way if I had the same condition.

I am the OP and I have not been able to get back on this forum, since my first post, until now. Thank you for the responses. I am suffering through the jealousy from my husband. It is so hard to deal with and has really gotten worse.

Now, not only am I accused of cheating on him, but he also accuses me of treating him badly. He says that I ignore him, don't talk to him, don't care about him, etc... I try to engage him in conversations every day. He is often on the computer arguing with people in the comments section on news stories, and if I try to talk to him, he gets aggravated and tells me that he is busy. So, I leave him alone. The second he gets off the computer, if I do not immediately start a conversation with him, he gets angry and states that "he is spending another day in silence with me." Quite often I try to not talk too much because I am so scared that I will say the wrong thing. He will become violently angry over the littlest things. He will also take little snippets of conversations that I have with my children and turn them into something else.

He forced me to quit my job. (I was having a hard time with my boss (older female, but still got accused of infidelity with her even though I am straight!), but I was hanging in there after working there for 5 years.) He had been accusing me for months of cheating with my ex and also with a houseguest that he invited to stay with us. And one day when he was out of control angry, it was I had to call in my notice immediately, or he was taking our two kids and leaving. So, I did. But he had to make an official story up for me, which was that I was tired of being treated badly by my boss and wanted to spend more time at home with kids. So, now that is also the official story in his mind. According to him, he did not force me to quit, I just wanted to. And now, he reminds me daily that I am living off him, spending his money, and that I am just a failure. He calls me a whore, a slut, a bitch, etc...

He complains that I do not do more things sexually for him and accuses me of saving things up for my "boyfriend". He wants me to do extreme things in the bedroom. He has brought up wanting to see me with another man. That really blows me away. Can he be morbidly jealous and actually want that? I have no desire to do these things, but if I say that, he gets very angry with me.

He will not let me shower before I go anywhere because according to him, I would only want to shower if I was up to no good. I have to go out in public without showering for days at a time. It is so embarrassing to me.

I see all these posts from people saying, just leave this person, but I feel like I can't. I was brought up to believe that you don't divorce and that you stay together no matter what. I do love him, because I think of when he wasn't like this and I know that it is not really his fault. At the same time, I am so sad and lonely all the time. And I feel like he should know how badly he is damaging me. He has made threats of taking our two kids no matter what the cost, and I cannot live without them. And he has made other threats as well, that I believe he is capable of.

He refuses to see a psychiatrist. He refuses couple therapy. He tells me that I am crazy not him and gets angry if I talk about delusional jealousy to him. He is convinced that he is right. Things have been so bad for so long this time, that I actually begged him to let me take a lie detector test to prove him wrong. He has refused. He said that it would break up our family and he doesn't want to do that. I told him that I could prove him wrong. He doesn't believe me. I worry that his family thinks that I am the one with mental issues because that is how I feel portrayed to them. He has isolated me from my family, so I only see them once a year for a couple of days and he is by my side the whole time. I have no friends, as I am not allowed to have any. He does not approve of anyone and believes that any of the kids' friends' parents are either potential lovers or co-conspirators.

Please help me figure out some way to get him to see someone with me. He is terrified of being branded with any diagnosis and I know that. I am worried that there may be more to it than just the jealousy. He has made comments that he worries that I could be putting poison or other contaminants in his food or drinks. He also believes that his family and others are against him at times. But other family members he is fiercely protective over, to an obsessive degree. He is so determined to have a good relationship with some people that he will go way over the top to please them, from offering them large sums of money, to buying them land, etc... He will ignore horrific traits in these people (pedophilia for example. They are incarcerated.) Yet he treats me like I am the worst person on the planet when I do nothing wrong to anyone.

Could this be schizophrenia related?

He has used marijuana at times, heavily at times. It always seems to hit him worse when he has stopped smoking after doing so for a lengthy amount of time.

Any comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Exhausted, I am sorry for what you are going through. This is not just DD, but it's also abuse. Someone with DD will constantly accuse you of behavior, but it's an abuser who will isolate you from work (and typically friends and family) to make you dependent on him and threaten to take the kids from you if you don't do what he wants. He has extreme control issues.

You are NOT obligated to stay in this situation. This is not the man you married. (Perhaps he was better at hiding it back then.) He did not make a choice to be ill, but he did make a choice to refuse treatment. You have done all you can, and HIS problems are now destroying YOUR life. And the kids know more about what's going on than you know.

Do you have family that you and your kids can stay with for awhile? I think that you should pursue a divorce. You can't make him save himself, but you need to save yourself now.

I've been reading the responses in this forum and understand the pain caused by DDJ. I was in a relationship with a obsessively man for several years and the situation got steadily worse until we broke up.

Ironically in the beginning there was no problem, the jealousy actually didn't surface for a year. This is because he had not invested in me emotionally yet (we started off as friends with benefits).

Fast forward three years into a committed relationship... I was accused of looking at EVERY man that walked down the street and cheating with about 2/3 of our friends. We couldn't go to the grocery store, the library, get on a bus, or be in any public place really. Everything was a "sign" I never cheated or even thought about cheating but that's all he could think about 24/7. Convinced that I had been unfaithful, he broke up with me, and soon after moved out of town. This turned out to be a huge blessing. Other than doing some reading,watching videos, and practicing a few affirmations he did not seek help or treatment. It was sheer agony for all parties. Here is what I learned:

1. What they accuse YOU of they are almost certainly doing themselves. (Yes many cheaters worry about cheating because they think everyone else is like THEM - it's called projection.)

2. You cannot help them and things will not get better without treatment (i.e. cognitive therapy and/or meds). From what I've read and experienced, most will not seek help - and even if they do, it may not work. These behavioral and thought patterns have been ingrained for many years, maybe even decades. A person with DDJ must be committed to change and must not be afraid to do what it takes to get better. Unfortunately, DDJ is fear-based, so what they fear they create. And this morbid fear makes it harder to reach for help. In addition, they really believe their delusions so why should they change? It's you that has the problem, not them!

3. No amount of "proving" your love and fidelity will be enough. When they discover they're wrong, they'll just move onto a new angle or accusation. Every phone call, email, social media post, gesture, and conversation you have with others is used as "evidence" of interest or cheating. They connect dots that aren't there and are surprised when others don't see what they see.

4. You'll find yourself isolated from family and friends and changing your dress and behavior in order to appease them and avoid stress, arguments, and humiliation.

5. These people are skilled at lying and manipulation. They may abuse you verbally, mentally, physically. They may also suck you dry financially.

6. There is no happy ending. Either they'll drive you out of the relationship with their delusions and bizarre behavior, or they'll break up with you because they're convinced you're cheating and/or wish to actively pursue others -- AKA "revenge cheating".

7. Despite a break up, your ex may continue contacting you and checking up on you (stalking). If you don't answer their calls, texts, emails etc. they may turn to your friends for information. Alert them to your situation or the mental torture will continue and you may even be in danger.

HOPE THIS HELPS!

greenqueen wrote: "I was in a relationship with a obsessively man for several years ..."

Sorry, I was not able to edit my last post, not sure why? ... it should have read "I was in a relationship with an obsessively jealous man for several years..."

missmywife030111 wrote:I got my wife to get the diagnosis. She believes that I am mentally ill. so I told her I would get evaluated if she would and she said she would see a psychiatrist if I would both diagnosed her with delusional disorder. both told her that she needs to be on medication but she lackes the insight to see that is true. Dr. Xavier amador says this is anosognosia or lack of insight there are several videos of him giving speaches on the topic on utube. the long and the short of it is there is a small chance they will ever understand they are sick.

I got my diAgnosis and know where my delusional thinking can get me with him cheating on me it's to the point where I can't worry about it cuz it keeps me sick but my whole thing is he needs anti psychotic and mood stabilizer and says he'll try it but the dr doesn't prescribe anything for him I think he's in denial and is bi polar and I know bi polar people are more sexually active so I really wish he'd take the medicine Bc it may control his impulses and also the delusions he has about me cheating. It's been much better me not working cuz he doesn't have to worry about "who I see and interact with at work" but it's a constant battle and a vicious cycle I wish he would just give the medicine a try they r so much better now without all the side effects but I've somehow gotta get God to get him to take the meds but I think he's one of the devils his dl# is 6662468 he's a good person but he's got the devil on his side and I wish he'd be healed. God made the devil but God is so much more powerful I can't seem to get that thru his thick head

I have been reading this forum for some time now and finally made an account. I believe my boyfriend has DDJ. We have been togther for 2 years now and things have been really bad lately. He has never been diagnosed but has been to anger managment classes and he hates them and says they dont give him the help he needs. He admits to having an anger problem but does not admit he is delusional. He has agreed to go to therapy to help save our relationship but when the time comes he always has something more important to do. He has never been been pshyscially abusive towards me but has threatened to choke me recently when he was having an "episode". My main concern is that he will become violent. Has anyone experienced violence with DDJ?????

His delusions are mainly that I want to have sex with his friends, or think about his friends or my friends husband while we are having sex. He also thinks I masterbate when hes not around and he brings this up almost everyday. its rediculous. He accuses me of crazy things like rubbing my breasts on a man at the fair. Or bending over in front of men on purpose. He does not want me to have male friends or go out with my single friends at night. The main thing that hurts me is that I am a registered nurse and he thinks that I wanted to be a nurse just so I could look at naked men all day. He does not like when I talk about my job, and usually gets mad if I say anything about my day at work or a patient I took care of. He thinks that when we are in a group of people I should only talk to the women and if I talk to the men he gets very mad and I will hear about it later. Its gotten to the point where I am afraid to talk to his brother at family dinners. He called me names and says extremely hurtful things to me. He recently told me that if I dont lose weight in 2 months then he will break up with me. I am not overweight. After his episodes he usually walks out on me or kicks me out for his house (we do not live togther). I try to stay calm and tell him he's wrong and try to calm the yelling into a productive conversation, I am sometimes successful with this, but rarely. After a fight he always apologizes and cries for me to forgive him. real tears. I have broke up with him once for a month, I felt like I gave up on someone who could be my future and decided I would get back with him and try harder to help us have a successful relationship. When our relationship is good it's real good. I love him but to be honest, Im scared that he will get worse and will end up breaking the strong person I am or worse. Any advice is well appreciated.

Heartbeats,
I just read your post and my heart goes out to you. I am still not over the shock of my spouse’s first delusional accusations about me. But his delusions are not only about my cheating on him with everyone he can think of, but also poisoning, stealing, and watching him. Are you sure your spouse is delusional? He could just have anger, control, and jealousy issues. Or maybe he only has the jealousy theme of delusions. Perhaps someone else on the board can help with that. But, I want to say that my spouse started with just the anger and yelling but it progressed to physical. Before this, he would never lay a hand on me. In a psychotic rage he hurt me. So it is possible you could get phsycial with you. If you are a trigger to him and he sees you as a threat, he will try to remove that threat. This will put you in danger. You are lucky that you don’t live together, at least you can lock your door at night and sleep in peace. I think you need to give him the ultimatum get help or you will leave him. It will only get worse untreated. This is not a way to live a life. We are not supposed to feel afraid phsycially or emotionally of our life partners. Please don’t forget that. Stay strong because they are very good at manipulating and giving you the guilt.