Am I showing signs of a deranged killer or am I just weird ?

Some background information about myself below, I'll try to keep it short...

Pre-k: Played a lot by myself, often getting in trouble for hiding after recess

Kindergarten: Had one friend of opposite sex, a boy, who later on in elementary I found out he was mentally retarded

2rd Grade: Evaluated because my teacher thought something was wrong with me since I caught onto subjects slow. Then found out I had ADHD, but the type where your mind is racing.

3rd Grade: I was wondering why I was beginning to count things over and over again and thinking if I didn't do things a certain way something bad would happen.

Middle School: I finally felt like I made some real friends, but I soon found out I was the least liked of the group, the one who didn't get invited first or it didn't matter if I wasn't there.
Had really bad facial tics to the point where my teacher asked if I was okay

9th Grade: Accepted into a college prep school. Dressed skimpy to fit in and was vulgar to be liked by guys. Typical teen, blah blah blah
One day I started getting hate mail on myspace (mind you this is back in 2006) from a girl who I thought was my friend from dance class. Then more and more messages from that girl and her friends were piling up. I couldn't believe it at first and started crying and didn't go to school for a couple days. I started getting really weird. I started dabbling a bit, worshiping Satan to numb my pain. This was crazy for me as I was brought up as a Christian.
I soon lost all my friends, they all turned on me one way or another....all because those popular girls didn't like me for some reason which to this day I have no idea? I guess girls just pick what they think is an easy target.
There were countless times when the kids at school pulled stunts. One of them being the guys holding me down and drawing mean things on me with sharpie and the teacher was even laughing. The day when I saw that my locker had been defaced with horrible things written on it and stuck on it, I remember getting heated up, throwing all my books on the ground, grabbing all my belongings and calling my mom to go home.
I never went back.

9th Grade 2nd Smstr: I started attending a Christian school, of course dropping my little projects and I started having faith again. And no it didn't solve my problems, but I felt a bit more comforted.
I still had a hard time making friends at first- until my mom set up some kind of hang out with another girls mom from school.
Things onwards throughout high school until junior year were a bit rocky. I was pretty unstable. I was diagnosed with OCD as well as psychotic depression. I drank a lot. Cut myself. Slept with a lot of guys. Even got raped by an ex who was 4 years older and got a restraining order on him. Very rebellious. Skipped school. Tagged on the bathroom walls. Stole a lot, even to the point of being caught and getting arrested.

Note- I always had this problem of seeing someone that I'm jealous of (girls, mostly my boyfriends ex or ex's girlfriend) and copying them. Even buying the same clothes as them, sometimes talking and acting like them. Saving their pictures. Photoshopping them naked. Even going to their house and taking pictures of their stuff.

College: Always being the artsy person I am, I decided to put my talents to work and become a graphic designer. After a semester I got bored with my boyfriend of 2 years and it made it easier for me to get over him when we broke up because he was verbally abusive and even hit me a couple times.
I started going out. I was good for a long time, never doing anything besides weed. My new boyfriend talked me into taking his adderall. I took it and was talking so fast and felt nice. On top of the world really. Then later than night he took me to my first rave and then an afterhours party where he talked me into doing x with him. Soon I became hooked, always buying drugs from him. Got super skinny and all that.

I noticed I started getting night terrors soon after, or sleep paralysis.
Right before I finished my design program I was in, I overdosed on adderall, sending me to the hospital, feeling incredibly lucky to be alive in my bed the next morning.

Ever since then I've been seeing things. A lot of it is lights that I know can't be real. I have a retail job ATM so when I'm working in a semi-dark fitting room I see circles of lights going up the wall.
A lot of hallucinations are from the corner of my eye.

The most recent one which scared me half to death, I could even feel a palpitation (I have heart problems now) when I was doing my hair. I was at my boyfriends house and as I had my head turned a bit to the door, I saw something come in the room low to the ground. This ugly grey creature, almost like gollum from lord of the rings crawling. It was just for a split second then I saw my boyfriends dog skipping on his merry way into the room wagging his tail at me.

Aditional Info:
I also noticed I'm a bit obsessive. I sometimes go to my boyfriends ex's place of work and take pictures of her while she's working. This is the girl that I copy right now. I even found her house for sale online. Saw her room and decorated mines just like hers. Even buying certain furniture just like hers.
I think my fear is getting caught of my fantasies. I have a boyfriend of 3 years and know he would be appalled with my behavior and obsessions. It's so hard for me to lead a normal life and pretend to be normal. All my life since I was 15 Iied to doctors to get types of medications I wanted (adderall, pain killers, tranquilizers). I'm not sure if I should see a professional now and tell the truth? I'm scared they might call the police and send me to a mental ward
I feel foggy all the time, almost robotic like. I can't even drive because I feel too detached almost all the time.
Apart from being OCD and it's tics that are VERY hard to control sometimes, I'm also really paranoid. I always feel like something/someone is watching me. I also feel like if I don't do things the right way something bad will happen.

Well you clearly haven't had the easiest ride in life and what you describe is not something I can relate to, but as nobody else has posted a reply, I thought I might be able to help just a little. First of all, you ask if you're showing signs of a deranged killer, but you mention nothing about murder. Do you wish to kill anyone? Have you been thinking about it? Also, you say you're afraid to seek professional help because you think they will lock you up on a mental ward, but has it occurred to you that maybe a mental ward is the best place for you at the moment? Or maybe they won't section you but they will offer you the correct medication, advice and support. You will never know unless you try. And to be honest, I don't think you are able to resolve this issue alone or with the help of anyone other than a mental health professional. You mention that you copy those that you're jealous of, why do you feel the need to do this? What effect do you think it will have? Has your boyfriend noticed? I hope you can get the help you need. And how old are you by the way?

I guess the title maybe have been from both extremes. I'm probably a bit more than weird. Maybe I was looking for comfort from other people telling me maybe I'm just odd.
But in my heart I know something's wrong. I try to fight it and act "normal" around other people.

Btw- I'm 21. My boyfriend doesn't know a lot of my obsessions. He just jokingly calls me crazy and asks if I'm okay when he see's a vacant expression on my face or my facial tics. He thinks it's just part of my OCD. On rare occasions when we're fighting and he gets really upset at me he'll swear I'm schizophrenic. But other than that he never brings it up and we have a normal, healthy relationship. I don't believe I'm with him just to fit in, I have genuine feelings for him and I'm in love with him, though sometimes I can't help when I have off days and feel completely numb, unable to feel anything.

I feel like I'm an empty shell. Like I have no real personality of my own other than the love for art. That's why I feel the need to dress up like someone else- or take on their personality because I feel so detached most of the time and forget who I am. When I copy that girl he dated, it's out of fear he likes her more and since she seems perfect, why not?

As for the itch of hurting people? I've made threats in my past. I've always had an anger problem. I should have mentioned it before, but when I was little I was very possessive of what ever friends I had. When one friend had to go home one day, I didn't want her to so I tied her up and hurt her by hitting and biting. After this I got grounded for a really long time and I learned that I can't do that. But I still hurt animals sometimes. Mostly mines when I'd get mad. It would feel really good hurting them, but after I'd feel bad. I still do it once in a while but I try to control my anger more that I'm older.

I think I worry about being a killer because of the types of fantasies sick fantasies I have about kidnapping girls I copy and doing stuff to them.

I don't really want to disappoint my family any further. I already embarrassed myself by having an overdose and needing them to help me pay my medical bills that I'm finally almost done paying off. I'm scared that if I go away to get help that my boyfriend will leave me, because I feel like he deserves someone a little bit more normal.

Hi there,

Apparently were not allowed to diagnose one another on here so all I can say is that I can understand how you've ended up in the place that you are - It doesnt mean that you are odd, or weird, its actually an understandable reaction to the issues you've faced in your past.

Sometimes if you experience a lot of bullying and isolation as a child and teenager you can end up repressing all kinds of feelings, both about yourself and other people. You have been victimised by girls who it seems (at least from my experience) can be incredibly cruel. I can imagine that it would be very easy to harbour a lot of anger and resentment towards other women after the way you have been treated, which will probably be confused further by the feelings which you have about yourself. You say that you don't feel like you have a personality and I wonder if the obsessions and jealousy win other women is a bit of a mixture of your hate for them, along with some kind of search for your own identity - sort of using them as a mask to hide behind, if that makes any sort of sense?

It sounds as if all of your emotions are building up inside and that when you can't control them anymore they are bursting out in ways that you would never intentionally choose. I too was bullied by other girls at school and had similar kinds of obsessions when I was a lot younger. I also took drugs and drank to try to numb a lot of the anger and anxiety I experienced. I hurt people emotionally and had fantasies about grand plans to bring down their lives etc. I copied a lot and it really was because I had no sense of who I was at all - it felt protective to have and do the things that others did, like I was less likely to be bullied if I fit in and conformed, all mixed in with jealousy and hate - a bit of a pressure cooker to say the least I wonder if the numbness you are feeling might be down to the fact that you are blocking your emotions, or if this might be a side effect from some of the drugs? I know that when I was taking them, I was either totally detached or completely out of control and swung between the two. I was also hiding everything I was doing and obsessing about from my partner and family (most recently it was aliens, but it's been real people in the past )

Don't feel guilty about having exaggerated or lied to get prescription meds, I would have done pretty much anything to try to numb how I was feeling - if you explain to your doctors they will understand, people do that sort of thing all the time.

I think that I really would advise to try to get an assessment and to avoid the illegal stuff, especially if you have started to hallucinate and have thoughts of harming other people. I know that you are worried about being sectioned - this has actually happened to me once before due to drug induced psychosis and although I was terrified at the thought of it, it actually turned out to be the best place for me. I would have put any old illegal rubbish in my body but was point blank refusing to take anti psychotic medication or even being able to see I had a problem at that point so I was subject to an involuntary sectioning. The truth is that if I hadn't been i could have ended up doing myself serious harm and would still be experiencing the same feelings and turmoil now.

You obviously realise that there is something wrong and don't want to carry on living like this. Having insight into your issues is a huge bonus but it can quickly slip away, especially when you aren't taking the right meds/drugs (or are taking too many of the wrong ones,lol). I'd really take your chance to get some help now, I'm sure you don't want to carry on feeling the way you do, having to obsess and worry and hide stuff. It's no way to live. I also think that if you could access some sort of psychotherapy it could really help to go through your life and get all of your anger and worries out in the open so that hey aren't building up and coming out in ways that you can't control.

Don't feel bad about yourself, if you are brave enough to recognise and talk about what you are dealing with and have survived the turmoil you have already been through, you can get out of the other side, you just need to take back your control and get the help that you need.

Take care

Hi. I had typed a whole post but my ipad shut off. I'll keep this reply short. I can related to 90%of what you've posted. These things are happening because of deeply rooted childhood scars, that's most likely where it started. So far back you probably wouldn't remember. From there we get our feelings of self worth. Healing starts with facing the hurt and pain and feeling it all over again. "Look in the mirror" so to speak. Your symptoms and behavior will only get "worst" over the years, and I think your intuition telling you that is what brought you here. There are "feelings" that can be analyzed, such as "how do you think your parents feel about you?" That one is a big one. That's usually how we feel about ourselves. If you felt uplifted and cared for by them from birth then you'll grow to feel that you're worthy and vice versa. Good news is, the symptoms can go away and as hard this is to believe, your cravings and appitite for drugs will eventually deminish. A good start will be expressing your feelings explicitly to someone you trust (for me it was older, people with nonjudgmental attitudes that had kids themselves, so I felt they understood me, and they did). A group of people that accept you just the way you are now (like here) will help you feel comfortable with the person you are at the present. These are beneficial steps for your well being. Personally, I can relate to a lot of your expirences. I went from nervousness to a calm state of mind by recognizing, and feeling emotions honestly and dealing with them. Too much to type in one post.


As far as the "lost sense of self", that could come from being in a controlling and domineering environment at some point. Being that you never felt comfortable or had the chance to be yourself around the people you loved. So you masked it to fit in possibly. The thing that helped me, with that was finding an environment where I was accepted for who I was ("wild" and all) and, I guess you'd say "raised" all over again at the age of 20. Yes, I am a female as well. Yes, I had serious jealousy issues as well, along with the (spying). I had the physical symptoms. I spent long hours reading about psychology and the occult (mainly astrology and numerology). But honestly, in the end of it all, you'll find love and peace with yourself. A sense of calm and lost of fear. It takes time, and it takes being with people that have a lot of patience with you and willingness to watch you grow. I can assure you, you will be ok.

*mod edit* Stay positive.

-Trucolorz