Starting Out, I'll ptobably need a lot of advice.

In August this year, my Costa Rican wife and I will have been married 40 years. We live in Spain and have children and grandchildren living in Sweden and Guildford.
During our married life, there have been many discussions, and we have different views on a variety of matters, probably the most significant being that she is a strong Catholic and I am looking at the Quaker way of life.
About 2 years ago, she started accusing me of hiding her things, breathing heavily when a young girl walked by, making eyes at young women (and men), and generally not paying as much attention to her as she would like.
Then in December 2010, she received a phone call, in English, from a young girl, (from her voice), who asked for me by name and said it was something to do with IBM or id. From this she has built a world where I have a private world, involved in chats with other people, have intervened her pc, so that she receives pornographic replies meant for me, etc. This has now extended to her mobile phone, one of which she smashed on the ground in a fit of rage, and the most recent, she refuses to use because there is a code that I have that has not been given to her.
Needless to say, I have not the slightest idea what she is on about, have never had an affair, have offered my pc to her and anyone she wants so that she can confirm that her suspicions are unfounded, but her only reply is that I have to admit my guilt as she no longer trusts me.
At first I thought it might be related to the onset of Alzheimer or dementia, and managed to get us both brain scans. (She refused unless i also got one). Both brains show normal deterioration for our age, although she has a scar from an car accident when she was about eight.
We both went to psychologists, but she rejected hers as being too humanistic and not very friendly.
Things deteriorated and eventually we both went to a psychiatrist who recommended marriage counselling. In the session with the psychiatrist, my wife spent almost all of it talking about her technological problems and how I had initiated them. Privately the psychiatrist suggested that my wife might have a delusional disorder, but that nothing could be done unless she recognised the possibility.
We have now had various sessions with the marriage counsellor, both jointly and individually, during which my wife has again spent most of the time talking about her IT problem to the extent that the psychologist told her that without this problem, we wouldn't need counselling.
My UK son and his family are visiting so the psychologist took the opportunity to meet him, following which, she mentioned to my son and I that she believed my wife has a delusional disorder.
We have agreed that she is not told until my son and his family return to the UK, in order not to upset the children
Knowing my wife, the possibility will be totally rejected and my life will become worse.
All our family are either in the UK, Sweden, Costa Rica or the USA, so we are on our own in this matter.
Once she is informed, I will be grateful for any suggestions etc, to help me deal with the situation.

BAHHH1: 40 years, 2 years ago. And no advice yet.
My first impulse is to say, remember to take care of yourself first. Secondly, be prepared for the possibility your wife may need psychiatric hospitalization, perhaps permanently. Laws are different there, but here in the USA I believe it is possible for one spouse to initiate proceedings to have the other involuntarily committed and hospitalized against their will. That might be something for you to consider and look into.

I'm sorry to be sounding so negative. But perhaps being prepared for the worst can be helpful advice. I read your reply a number of times. I am willing to read (to listen) more and to reply in ways I hope might be helpful. But I will not visit this, your topic again.

Should you want me to read and respond, go to General (see above) scroll down to Anti-Psych, and reply in my topic, "How We Make Ourselves Happy." I will see your reply there, and will respond.

I've never lived with somebody who has delusional disorder (unless it was myself briefly )

There are factors that cause psychosis such as social isolation, stress, etc. Maybe if you could eliminate those factors then the delusions would go away gradually?

Or maybe there is some way to convince your wife that she needs help without convincing her that her delusions are wrong?

Those are ideas are probably not useful. I hope you can find a solution.

Hi there.

Unfortunately, your life will never be the same. I have left my spouse after battling his accusations for more than a year. I have an attorney and am seeking a divorce. But a few things are different in my case: we have only been married 14 years and we do not have children In common. I am also 46 years old and I have time to start a new life. I don't mean to infer that age sentences you to a life constrained by one with Delusional Disorder. I guess it will ultimately come down to just how much can you stand?

In my case, a tracking device was discovered underneath my car. I know cameras were on my property and very likely in my house. I know my email was read and my diaries from years ago were photocopied. I was interrogated on a daily basis. Well it was a nightly basis because it was typically initiated after I fell asleep and was awakened by accusations and wild suppositions. I was sleep deprived for months.

We went to doctor after doctor to therapist after therapist. They all told me the same thing: protect myself. Protect my business. Protect my finances. And leave.

But I stayed. Until it became unbearable. And I left with a broken heart. I loved my husband. I wanted to grow old with him. We had a good life I thought.

There is no fixing my situation. I begged him to go on medication. I now take an antidepressant. And in his warped mind, that confirms his belief that something is wrong with me. That I had multiple affairs and one long running affair with one of his former employees. Bear in mind that I didn't even know this man. I knew his name but could not pick him out of a line up if challenged. But my husband conjured up the firm belief that I was sleeping with him in our own house, our own bed! While he was home no less.

I turned to this forum many months ago and it provided me great comfort to know that I was not alone. This is such a rare diagnosis and the fact that it rarely affects the diagnosed life outside the object of the obsession makes it all the more unbelievable to the ill informed. I gave my husband this website's address hoping, at the time, he could gain some insight into this horrible nightmare as I had. That backfired horribly as he recognized my posts and started accusing me of having an affair with someone I replied to, just as I am replying now. I have a new user name now. I miss posting and replying to the heartbreak I read here. It really helped to partake in this discourse.

Advice? I have none except the following: take care of yourself. Do not lose sight of the fact that you can only save yourself. And you have a responsibility to your children, family and friends to do just that. Do not go down with the ship.

Hi,
Welcome to the forums, I hope you find support here. There are two vastly different experiences that happen with this condition. 1. The person has insight and may recover. 2. The person has no insight and refuses treatment. The third option is the person struggles to gain insight, and sometimes takes medications.

Many of the users with this disorder who post on the website are in the first category, they have insight. The posters you just heard from moving alone, and rusty9 are not so lucky. The problem with this forum is that the makers have not been able to separate out the factions, yet. So we are all on this board together. When you post, please keep in mind that as much pain as you are in, many of us live with this condition and do well. We maintain families and have hope.

I understand how challenging this condition is for people just joining the forum. And I encourage you to read about it and learn from other poster's experience. Sometimes things others have tried can help you if you plan to stay with your wife are 1. get her to take antipsychotic medication. I have tried Abilify, Zyprexa, Geodon, and Seroqel. Abilify has me stable, but Zyprexa was most effective, but I gained 50 pounds in two months.

2. get her into a hospital to start the therapy/ antispychotic medication. Keep her there until she has some insight from taking the medication. You do not want to be without care if she has a full blown psychotic episode.

3. once you have her stablized on medication decide if you can continue living with her. Only you can make this choice. It has to be the answer you can live with. This brain disease is horrible, and ruins many peoples lives. But there is hope that she can have insight. Not everyone is hopeless, and the sooner she gets care the better your outcome (in my humble experience).

4. She may decide to divorce you.

Good luck. I hope this is helpful.
Sunny

hi moving on. i'm sorry to read your story and and glad that you (as i did) found some comfort here.

Movingonalone wrote:This is such a rare diagnosis and the fact that it rarely affects the diagnosed life outside the object of the obsession makes it all the more unbelievable to the ill informed.

this is very true, and very hard for me to handle. it seems impossible to communicate to anyone who is not a mental health professional the relentlessness of the disorder and the toll it takes on those around. i am the only child of a mother who has DDP. i have received all kinds of advice to 'be patient' and 'remember she's old' despite the fact that i've lived with this for 56 years and know it intimately.

good luck and all strength to you, it sounds like you have the right plan to proceed in your life.

Thank you for the reply. That is exactly the comfort that this forum provides. Hearing from another human being that really understands the hideous nature of this condition makes me feel less alone.

And I am not really alone. My children are adults and have been very concerned and supportive. They are devastated as well. They grew up for 18 years with my husband playing a significant role in their lives. And he has tried to use them against me. He has tried to "sell" them his story. That fact, by itself, is unforgivable to me. I spend a lot of time trying to balance my empathy towards him because he is ill and my disgust with his accusations. I haven't spent a night in my home for almost 7 months now. He won't negotiate with respect to a settlement. He refuses to hire an attorney. He just says I need to get over "it" and come home. He says he has forgiven me. He now says that I was hypnotized by my various "lovers" so I can't be held accountable. We will have to go to court.

To be the only child of a parent that suffers from DD must be worse than being the wife of a man that suffers from DD. You can't divorce your mother.

But you are not alone. I am thinking about your life and the long years you must have struggled to cope. Do you know what triggered the onset of the DDP? That is something I ponder often. The information about the disorder is specific to the active delusional periods but what causes/triggers the beginning of the manifestation of the disease? I stay busy with my business and my friends and family but the loss of my former life makes me terribly sad and thoughtful. I can't get my head around it yet.

Thank you all for your comments.
Until Thursday, when the psychologist will try and broach the subject with my wife, everything is on ice, but it is a bit like living on the side of a volcano.
The slightest thing can awaken the beast, such as a single ring on the phone, apparently a signal to me.
One step at a time.

Remember in most places if she is a threat to herself or to others there are involuntary commitment laws... Go to a lawyer, know the laws, and use them when necessary. Living with a person with brain diseases like psychosis is not for the faint of heart. I am sorry this is not easy.
Sunny

Movingonalone wrote:To be the only child of a parent that suffers from DD must be worse than being the wife of a man that suffers from DD. You can't divorce your mother.

But you are not alone. I am thinking about your life and the long years you must have struggled to cope. Do you know what triggered the onset of the DDP? That is something I ponder often. The information about the disorder is specific to the active delusional periods but what causes/triggers the beginning of the manifestation of the disease?

thank you so so much for your kind words movingon. no i can't divorce my mother and while longevity is a gift, it has also extended the time i've had to deal with this. there really is no end in sight.

she's been this way as long as i remember, so i never saw an onset period. i have read that later-life immigrants develop this condition, and that does describe her, but her younger sister was much the same and i wonder if there is a genetic predisposition.

I'm glad you have children to support you. my mother has friends who come to help around the house and they've seen bits of it (my mother claims that her laundry is being stolen, her underwear, her blankets, her money, her books, as well as numbers off the caller ID on the phone) but they have no conception of the destructive effect of this over the decades.