Advice sought -- avoid starting a relationship?

Wow, reading this post has filled me with doubts and fear. So here's the deal. I recently met someone special. I'm middle-aged, and in my life I've never met someone as well matched to me. In an early date, I asked her, before moving too far ahead, whether there was anything important I needed to know about her that would be better to know now.

She revealed that she had been hospitalized several times for delusional disorder - she falsely believed that someone was stalking her. But that now she could fully admit to having this disease. She says she is on meds that are working.

On the one hand, after reading these posts, I feel like it would be stupid to get involved. On the other hand, there must be people with dd that have fulfilling relationships? If not, there would be no hope for their future "love life."

What concerned me the most is reading about how the disease generally gets worse with every episode.

Are there lighter forms of the syndrome? She seemed to imply that it only showed up as this fantasy about being stalked.

Can we have a good relationship? Is there hope?

I would talk to some people who know her well and gauge their response. Also it helps if you have a ton of patience.

I think the clue is, hospitalized "several" times. My wife is now going on several, and I don't have very high hopes that it won't turn out to be more - that is if I am still with her.

But I am still married to my wife, and we share over 25 years together, so it is not easy to just end it. If I could have predicted all those years ago how it would turn out, I would definitely not be with her now.

You, on the other hand, can make that prediction before you get to much more involved. You can read on this forum how easily it is for someone to go off their meds, even after being on the for some time.

My advice is, keep on looking.

Run the other direction like hell... (sorry for the language!)

there's always hope. and i think that it is very well possible to have a good relationship.

i have borderline, i am suicidal, i have depressions, i have psychotic episodes, and i have been hospitalized twice.
i am also engaged to the most wonderful man, and very happy. our relationship isn't the easiest one, but it is strong, good, and full of love and respect.

the basis to a good relationship doesn't lie in how many times she has been hospitalized, or what mental condition she suffers from. it is dependent on how the two of you feel about each other and how hard you're willing to fight for it..

bsc said he wouldn't be with his wife if he knew what was ahead of him when he started the relationship.
my fiance chose to be with me, fully aware of what could be ahead of him. he knew, and still wanted to be with me for the rest of his life because he loves me so much.

the only one that can answer your question is you. ask yourself if you're willing to fight, stand by her side through good and bad, if you can handle the though times, and if you want to make it work. answer that for yourself, and you'll know if there's hope and if your relationship can work..

Although it seems like it's a good sign that she knows she has DD and is willing to talk about it, I'd be careful getting involved.

My DD friend has periods of seeming normalcy where she appears to be okay. There is still a bit of paranoia during these times but she hides it very well - especially from people she doesn't see often or who don't know her well. Then some little thing will set her off and she goes back to her full blown delusions. And then we'll go through another period of seeming normalcy, where we all hope she's getting better... only to go round the cycle again.

The roller coaster ride can be quite exhausting and frightening. Perhaps you've met your friend during a good time for her, or perhaps the medication is really working and she'll stay on it. I'd hate to tell someone not to date another person they like. But if you start getting strange reactions from her and can't reason with her, I'd get out.

Something else to keep in mind is that a person with DD might not be in the best position to assess the depth of their own delusions. She's telling you her only problem was with a mild stalking delusion, but it could actually be much worse than that. You just don't know since she's the one giving you the info.

My DD friend will freely admit that she's had problems with paranoia - but whenever she explains it, it's always something that was "in the past" and she seems to think it was all very light hearted and almost humorous and that everything's great now. When in fact her delusions are quite involved, cover almost everyone she knows, and are definitely still present. She can accuse someone of horrible things and the very next day talk about how great their relationship is. Quite a disconnect between what's really going on and her own assessment of the situation.

I note the woman who has mental illness and the great fiance is from the Neatherlands - meaning she can get medical care when she needs it. THIS IS BIG. Those of us in third world countries, like the US, where we have no right to medical care, are confronted not only with the horrors of the illness, but financial ruin as well. Even with medical insurance - which is dependent on keeping the same job with the same coverage - most medical insurance for mental health treatment includes caps on how many visits to a doctor you can have, caps on hospitalization (imagine having cancer and being told, "your 20 days are up, go home and tough it out), higher co-payments, generic drug requirements, etc.
And, people with DD DO minimize its effects. My ex never did, and still doesn't, have any idea how distorted his thought process is and how that has affected his family - even my leaving him, after 30 years, because of his constant accusations has turned into a simple, "Oh, she was always unhappy..."
And do you want a relationship that you know from the start will be all you giving and she taking? It's great that you are researching this, but if you want advice - unless you want to be a caretaker forever, get out now.

That brought people out of the woodwork.

We tooka poll:

1 for staying

4 for leaving

1 neutral

The nays have it. Love does NOT conquer all. Even the love I have professed here for my wife, I think is waning, and that what I really feel lately is sympathy.

Hi, this is Thorny. I vote leave now while YOU are still sane, financially sound, independent, stable, capable, and competent. Because being involved with a person with DD tends to errode all of those positive traits until you don't recognize yourself anymore. It will happen. It's just a question of when/how long it will take.

While it is great that she seems to have insight into her mental disorder, I would have to tell you not to get involved. This is based soley on what I've been through myself with my DD ex, whom I loved very much. Of course, he had DD-Jealous & Paranoid types (Mixed), which is a sad combination and very difficult to deal with.

Anyway, he turned both our lives upside down with his insanity, accusations, delusions, and all that goes with it. If I had known he was sick with this tragic disorder beforehand (I didn't) then I would have NEVER went down this road...but i didn't have the benefit of foresight, and I did. Now I regret it.

There is no cure for this disease....medication helps, but it can get worse. If she becomes paranoid again, then she WILL stop taking the meds, because they think that they are being poisoned, controlled, etc by the meds, that it is all part of a conspiracy, etc. You will be the central villian in the conspiracy. Count on it.

Yes......Getting them to admit there is a problem and get help and take meds is a huge part of the battle that your friend seems to have conquered for now, BUT then there's a risk of relapse, new delusions, a risk of decompensation later on (like full-blown schizophrenia), and a host of other potential problems related to the disorder.

In short, I feel badly for people with mental illnesses, but I feel even worse for the people who fall in love with them.

DON'T GET INVOLVED unless you fully understand this rare & incurable disorder, and what it's like to live with a person whose affected with it. It is sheer hell. After reading all of this, IF you think she's worth it (read ALL of the posts here to determine what it will be like) then go for it. But I don't think you will be glad you did in the end. I wish I'd never met my DD ex. The heartbreak is too much.

Thorny

faithful wrote:I note the woman who has mental illness and the great fiance is from the Neatherlands - meaning she can get medical care when she needs it. THIS IS BIG. Those of us in third world countries, like the US, where we have no right to medical care, are confronted not only with the horrors of the illness, but financial ruin as well. Even with medical insurance - which is dependent on keeping the same job with the same coverage - most medical insurance for mental health treatment includes caps on how many visits to a doctor you can have, caps on hospitalization (imagine having cancer and being told, "your 20 days are up, go home and tough it out), higher co-payments, generic drug requirements, etc.

and here the US is claming to be the richest country on earth.... i'm sorry i was born on the wrong side of the ocean, but that doesn't change the way i think about relationships.

for your info, the Netherlands too has a policy on how many appointments with a psych you can have. i went to therapy for three years which (in spite of my high costs on health insurance) i had to pay all by myself.
i'm in dept for about 6000 dollars (converted) because of my mental condition.

and i think your love and your willingness to fight for a relationship isn't dependent on your bloody health insurance. it's dependent on your emotions.

next time you wanna reply and express your self pity, please make sure your info is correct and somewhat more plausible.