Needed somewhere to talk

I'm a 24 yr old female. I have a wonderful loving family, (few) great friends and an amazing boyfriend. I have had anxiety for pretty much as long as I can remember. I've learned how to cope/harness it over the years. I experienced drug and alcohol abuse from the ages 14-20(quit all drugs at 18 and stopped abusing alcohol at 20 due to a 4 month rehab program). I also went through anorexia at 17 and got better due to family support and psychiatric help. I've experienced depression on and off since I was 10 when My family and i moved to a different province. 

The last few years(since I got out of rehab) have been way better than any other point since the time before I was first depressed. 

With this bit of background info, my point of writing is that I'm so scared of relapsing into a permanent bad place. I have had minor relapses through out the last couple years. They are brcoming worse and more frequent. 50% of the time I am irritable, almost always tired and sluggish(with good and bad sleep), sad/angry, unfocused, uninterested in anything/anyone, self pitying, overly sensitive and physiacally weak. 20% of the time I feel normal and 30% of the time I feel like I'm on top the world. I think i may have had a few visual hallucinations in the past couple weeks too. 

I have gone through a number of things that trigger the depressive moments via hormones (ectopic pregnancy, birth control, quitting smoking via champix). Although I don't know how much they actually affected me or if I was subconsciously using them as an excuse to act out. All of those were Within the last 8 months and these last 8 months I've been feeling like I'm turning into a mental person half the time, particularly lately.

 I seem to be triggered into depression over the smallest things. They are things i normally wouldn't even acknowledge as a problem or issue when im normal. Once i find somethings a problem i over think it, let it spiral out of control in my mind and it affects my outward attitude because me insides have spiraled to unbelievable proportions. 

The people I'm close to got there because they are genuine people that like me and didnt ignore me when I ignored them. They recognize when I have somethig on my mind end encourage me to get my problems off my chest and supported me with therapy decisions. Although not knowing the extent to which I neened/need the therapy as I never fully unload on my friends or family. It makes me feel like a burden. I do my best not let people close to me. I can hide this part of me with relative ease. Once i do get close to people though it's hard for me to hide. I feel like I'm lying when I do and then I feel guilty which just contributes to my depression. When I'm having bad days I just seclude myself. I can't do that with my boyfriend anymore or my worK and it's affecting both.

The cycles in and out of my episodes are very inconsistent too. I can go months with out a break down but will experience minor depression a couple times within a month. With hypo mania it's hard to say. I experience it less often and it won't last as long as a depressive episode, unless I just don't notice it quite as much because I feel good. Either way, I can switch to a new mood in seconds. But my moods can also maintain so long as the circumstances, external influences as well as my own are keeping them. I also have notices that when I'm not eating healthy, have a lazy week or particularly bad sleeps I am more sensitive the being triggered.

I almost like it when I'm depressed. 

I've done some research and I most fit the profile for either cyclothymia bipolar disorder or dysthymia depression. Either way I need to get help. I suppose I mostly used this as a place to vent. I barely came to terms with this on my own(yesterday) and am not ready to talk about it with loved ones yet. It's just gotten way too out of hand lately.
I just say thanks to whoever reads this and I would appreciate any feedback you might have.

Welcome, Helpless1988!

I'm no expert... not tons of advice... but just wanted to know you were heard. My 18yo daughter was diagnosed with bipolar tendencies about 18 months ago... about a year ago her psychologist narrowed it down to cyclothymia. And... about two weeks ago, he told me he thought I also struggle with a mood disorder. I know what you mean when you say you are just coming to terms with it and aren't ready to talk about it with loved ones. It took me the better part of a week before I talked with my husband about it -- and even then it was really, really, hard to get up the courage to. Once I did, though, it went well. And I think it helped.

Of course, I don't know your circumstances or those close to you... but understanding what's going on and why can help not only you, but those close to you. I wish we'd understood what was going on with my daughter years ago instead of months ago. I think she'd be a different person now if we'd understood and gotten her help sooner rather than later. Therapy and meds can really make a difference. I know counseling helped our DD even before we figured out what was really going on and started meds. And in my case, my DH admitted he knew there were times I got quiet, but he always thought it was something he did. Knowing it wasn't necessarily him I think helped him, too!

anyway... running late to an appt... so i gotta wrap this up... but just wanted you to know you were heard and not alone.... keep talking!

Whether you talk to anyone else about it or not, you must come to terms with it yourself to do anything about it. That may mean talking to someone now. It may mean talking to someone later. Hopefully, there is someone close to you who can help you recognize when you're about to fall into a down time so you can try to hold it off or help you recognize when you're on the way up so you can moderate it.

I am sorry to hear of your struggles, Helpless1988!
We are all here to listen and help as much as we can. I am tracking my moods daily (as much as possible), and finding it to be a helpful tool. Have you done this before?