cyclothymia support; empathetic ears

Guess I'm not looking for answers... just frustrated and needing to mouth off a bit...

DD moved out two weeks ago in the middle of the night (to live with an abusive guy she'd broken up with in June) and we've had little contact since then. She needed a ride to her new job today and called me up... I charged her the gas money... but as I dropped her off she admitted she'd stopped taking her meds when she moved out, but had taken a dose this morning. The problem is... she's on Lamictal, a drug you're supposed to ramp up to lower the risk of developing a potentially fatal rash. So I told her I'd contact her doctor to see what he wanted her to do since she'd been off for two weeks... sigh... Really hoping he'd say two weeks wasn't enough to give cause for going back and ramping up all over again. Anyway, I came home and called the pharmacist first, figuring I'd get better and faster answers (that's been my experience in the past, actually). The pharmacist didn't want to touch it, said I really should be talking this one over with the doctor. So then I left two different messages with her psychiatrist's office - on the automated system for the nursing staff. I clearly spelled names, phone numbers, birth date, all the pertinent info along with the reason I was calling. No call back whatsoever. You'd think they'd call back given I'm asking a question about a potentially dangerous prescription, wouldn't you?!?!? I really like her psychiatrist in the way he handles her -- he "gets" her and can talk to her, and can read between the lines to realize there's a problem when she insists there's not. But... I hate not being able to get a live voice when I call... let alone not getting called back. Just extremely frustrated at the moment.

So... it appears it's not just my daughter! LOL! Last week I found some of my old journals... I used some of the contents to write my daughter a 12 page document that was part letter, part my old poetry, and a journal entry of mine... as I put it all together for her I had a few revelations, but I kept them to myself. I shared the "letter" with her psychologist before I gave it to her -- wanting to make sure it would be helpful not hurtful at this point... he completely agreed that I should give it to her, and suggested I attend her counseling session with her last night. I think that went very well. We talked about it together in her counseling session and I think it was very good... and here's why... both her psychologist and my daughter looked at what I'd written and the writings I'd gathered together and had the same bells go off as I had (remember, I kept mine to myself). The dr had actually brought it up to me even before the appt,, so when my daughter brought it up he was able to agree with her -- high probability that her mother (me!) has a mood disorder as well. My highs are not as high as hers, (although I've had lower lows) and we have differing personalities that cause us to manifest a little differently, but.. there are some MAJOR similarities.

I need some processing time before I really talk with my husband about this (and honestly, the pdoc recommended some marital counseling for us as well based on other things I'd told him before the appt), but.... yeah... it's making sense to me.... Good news is it was a really good session with my daughter -- one of the few times she's really talked openly about her disorder with me in the room -- normally she puts up major walls. So.. yeah... she's still out there on her own, off her meds, and visibly hypomanic... but I feel there's at least been progress made in our relationship and in her acknowledging her disease....

What an amazing revelation to face about yourself. I hope you get the support you need. If you think you need marital counseling, get it. The new challenge in the marriage could grow cracks you didn't even know the old challenges caused. You have too much on the plate for the china to break now.

Thanks, Dark_in_the_Light!

We're not in any real danger... things just aren't what they could and should be. Dealing with our daughter the last few years (and a major move across country without finding permanent housing last year) has, as you said, grown some cracks that we didn't even realize were there. I love your analogy!!! Especially the "too much on the plate for the china to break now."

Hey ,
can any one help me or advise me ? my fiance has been diagnosed with cyclothymia and has come off his dapak0ote , he has been coming home now for weeks and will only speek to me when i speek to him and then its a closed answer to what i have said, he's really rude in tone of voice and keep telling my children off and me for not cleaning, i really am un happy and want to help him , but he doesnt seem to see there is anything wrong , its me thats the problem he says and the children, i cleaned the house from top to bottom and i missed the bin in the kitchen and he said i was lazy and didn't say anything about anything else i had done, i really do love him but i really and struggling at the moment maybe it is me?? it really is soooo hard i just want to cry < i hope someone can give me some advice i can't live like this much longer , but i do love him soooo sooo much .

Since he's been on medication, I hope his doctor or therapist can help. Without knowing all kinds of things about you, it's hard to say what you should or shouldn't do. If he's going to go on different medication soon, you really should have a professional's advice. I know, you were wishing for an answer that you could quickly take and run with. Know this: you are in a good position to inform his psychiatrist or therapist about his personality changes. And, did you know him before he was on medication? If so, was he like this then?

before the meds he was awful his moods were cycling every few days , since being off them he has been low mainly with not much high at all , he's def better on meds but he doesnt want to use them, he wouldn't let me come to any of his physc appointments , i really cant take much moore .

munchkin83,

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I'm the mother of an 18yo with cyclothymia (also off her meds and living with an abusive bf at the moment). It's so hard to watch those you love make decisions that hurt not only you, but themselves.

Like Dark_in_the_light suggested, it's hard to tell you what you should do when we aren't there. Fact is, we just can't. I do think counseling is a good idea. Even if your fiance won't let you in his sessions, find a counselor familiar with cyclothymia and talk with them about your own side of it. His therapist probably won't agree to be your counselor, although he might. If not, s/he might be able to offer some recommendations for others in the area. We've gotten invaluable help from our daughter's counselor (but since she was under 18, she couldn't say no to our access).

I will say... you shouldn't have to put up with this. You don't deserve it. Your kids don't deserve it. Patients with mood disorders invariably blame others for their issues, so that's not surprising. I know it's hard not to take it to heart, but please know his issues are his own. And... sometimes... as hard as it is... they just have to take the fall for their own choices. Sometimes that's what it takes for them to see what it is they are doing. That's not to say that if you decide to leave it has to be permanent - a return after he sees the need for and begins meds again is always a possibility. But protecting yourself and your kids could actually help him. I say COULD. No one here really knows your situation enough to advise you. And even if it were the best thing for you and your kids, it still may not be enough to get his attention. I know my own DD has had several things that should have gotten her attention, but she hasn't quite come to that point yet. Her psychologist says she has to hit rock bottom, come to the end of herself. I know he's right. Some of the things she's gone through, though, you would've thought that would've been it. But not quite. I have faith she will, and that she will come out of it stronger and better for it. But it's still hard to stand back and watch it.

I guess the one thing I keep coming back to in my head is the kids. Only you can determine what the situation really is... but... they are the ones who have no choice, who can't protect themselves....

just my humble thoughts and not a professional opinion in any way whatsoever! The only thing I can say for sure is it would probably be helpful to get some help for yourself even if not through his counselor....

(((hugs)))

munchkin83,
Hi...I'm sorry you're having a rough go. First, here is a hug, and second...this is not your fault.
I have been married for over 20 yrs to a "moody", and it took me years to figure out, I did not "cause" his disorder, nor can I "cure" it. Medications that works, is a big help and makes a big difference to have a good relationship. But turning yourself into a pretzel, and tiptoe on eggshells everyday, to not "do anything to upset him", is not a way to live, and you will loose yourself along the way... And if there is children involved, that makes this a whole different ballgame. Always,always protect your children. they will not understand the swinging in moods, and will start to get anxious to be around him, and you will find yourself running out of excuses to tell them why he is behaving in a certain way.
I CHOSE to stay in my marriage, with everything that came along with it. It is not a path I recommend if you're not willing to "see it for what it is", and educate yourself what this disorder really is, and what it does, and that differs from person to person..... It is def. a journey, not a 100m dash to a finishline. and that you have some kind of support system for you as well.
Here is the thing....if you feel you can not do this, and there is contantly overstepping on your boundaries, for what you are willing to tolerate, for you and the children....please leave... and that goes for anything verbal as well btw...maybe he will "see" it hurts you, maybe he won't.
Dark_in_the_Light and coastermom, have excellent points. And nobody here takes the role of a PhD, MD, or therapist....we can just lend an ear, share our lives, and give support where we can, tell you what worked,or didn't work in our lives. But you are the only one that can make the right decision for you, and your children. Either way, there is always hope.

Hi all
I have been away from the forum for a while, and am relatively new anyway. My brother recently died by suicide. Just sending lots of hugs to you all, especially those dealing with other people's mood disorders. I just wish there was some way to stop all this damage to our lives...why is it that we can perform amazing scientific feats, but we do not even understand the human brain?!
Hugs x

-- Thu Oct 11, 2012 5:53 am --

Also..in my humble opinion (not a Doctor of course!)...it is crucial to have others monitoring people taking medication, especially in the first few weeks. These are powerful drugs, and the brain reacts in strange ways...