About to Give Up on Medicine

I have been on Nuerontin for about a month now, and it is officially worse than any of the medicine combinations that made me suicidal. I would almost rather be feeling suicidal and having mood swings every 15 minutes than be on this medicine. All that it has done is take my mood swings and make them last hours instead of minutes, but at the same time it took the mood swings and amplified them by 8942084768429085742903478. Instead of being overly excited, I am bouncing off the walls hyper. Instead of being depressed, I am bawling my eyes out. And instead of being mad, I am beyond pissed off. And lately I haven't even had many of the excited mood swings. I am constantly either blowing up or crying. This is THE worst medicine I have been on, so once again I have to go back to the doctor and switch medicines. First of all, I don't see why the doctor even put me on the medicine, as it isn't FDA approved for treating bipolar disorder, and has proven in almost every case to be ineffective. I've also read that tens of lawsuits have been filed in the past against the company because it was encouraging doctors to prescribe the medicine, even PAYING them to do so. This disgusts me that a company as big as Pfizer would intentionally encourage the off-label use of a medicine when it has not proven to work just so they can make more money. On another note, I am about to give up on medicines completely. In 2 years I have been on like 25 combinations of a total of 11 medications. I'm not even 18 yet!!!! This is beyond frustrating and its getting to the point where I'm going to give in to the fact that I am never going to find ease in my ridiculous mood swings. I have pushed away or lost every single friend I have ever had because of my stupid problems and am left going through life with nobody but my family, who is only there for me half the time. I have no friends anymore all because nobody cares to take the time to understand me and get used to dealing with my moods and not taking them to heart. Instead everyone just sees that I'm different than the 'normal' person and gives up on being close to me. It's so frustrating that the people in this world are so cold and heartless. I struggle daily just to be a slight bit happy yet I get treated like crap instead of having people care enough to help me improve my mood. For once I want to meet somebody who doesn't have the disorder that actually cares. It seems like in order to care about someone with bipolar disorder anymore the person has to actually have the disorder themselves. I don't know, I may just be ignorant and blind to reality though. Or I may just live in a really horrible town. But I do know that I can't take flying through countless medicines and having zero people to go to.
Thanks for listening to the angry rant of a troubled 17 year old.

Uofkfan3,
I'm so sorry you're going through this rough patch with your meds. Let me tell you... you are NOT alone, hon. Finding the right meds is such an aggravating journey and many ppl give up along the way because it is, indeed, so frustrating. The thing about medication is that each of us has a different body chemistry, so what works for me may not work for you and vice-versa. So we each have to try a whole bunch of different meds till we find ones that end up being the "right ones" for us. Take a peek at the link below... it's my own laundry list of all that I've tried (I'm 42, so I've been at this "try this and try that" game all of my adult life):

cyclothymia/topic69715.html

You're 17, and I know it's hard for you to see it through my eyes, but, hon, you are young. I didn't get my diagnosis till last spring. I have spent my whole life dealing with untreated Cyclothymia; I've lost COUNTLESS friends, wrecked COUNTLESS relationships, had wild wild mood swings, done stupid and dangerous things, and my list goes on and on and on. When I first got diagnosed, I was relieved to finally have the right meds and a name for what's been going on with me, but then I also had to deal with all the "what if's"... like "what if I had actually been diagnosed in my teens... how different would my life have been????" So, I know you can't see this right now, but you are LIGHT YEARS ahead of me since you've received the diagnosis early enough in your life to not have to go through till your 40s having your mood swings rule your life and wreck your life.

It is possible to have non-bipolar friends who love and support you. When I was undiagnosed and untreated, most ppl just thought I was moody and/or nuts. After my diagnosis, I did still lose friends. It was almost like a divorce... where you find out who your real friends are. Some ppl just couldn't handle the fact that I REALLY did have a disorder and still left. But after the dust settled, the friends who stayed in my life look back and see how the things I did that were "off" now seem to make sense... it was the untreated disorder wreaking havoc with my moods and life. They forgave me for all my missteps with them, and I had to forgive myself too. Since I have been on my meds, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has noticed a HUGE difference in me... that I'm balanced. They know that I'm committed to my wellness and that I know that I need to take meds to achieve that. they are HUGELY supportive. They also have taken the time to learn about BP and understand that when I need to pull away or am in a rough period, that I'm doing it out of concern that I keep staying well. So, while those teenage years are rough (man, I wish I could share MY teenage years with you... HELL!!!!) I want you to know that there ARE ppl out there who do not have BP that will support you and care for you and help you. It just takes special ppl to be in your life (in other words, they have to be GOOD PPL and worthy of being in your life). Not everyone fits that bill or measures up. But every now and again you will run into a person here and a person there who WILL support you. Remember... many times other ppl have their own issues they're trying to hide or deal with, so in order for THEM to feel "normal" they often take the easy way out and try to make YOU feel like the lesser person and that you're defective. You are NOT.

I'm not a doc, so I can't speak like a pharmacist, but I wanted to share with you some info I've come across in my own reading up on my meds. Neurontin is a neuroleptic (anti-psychotic/anti-seizure) medication. Although it wasn't primarily designed for BP, it is, indeed, used for BP treatment... as are the other anti-psychotic/anti-seizure meds are (I'm currently on Trileptal). These drugs were first designed to treat epilepsy because they dramatically slow down neural activity in the brain, which is thought to be the source of an epileptic's seizures. At lower dosages, these meds have been found effective at slowing down a BPer's brain activity (helpful at cutting those BP manic highs). If Neurontin is worsening your symptoms, you should DEF call your pdoc ASAP and let them know what's going on. The doc either needs to adjust your dose or switch your med. There's no reason to be suffering like you are... give him/her a call and tell them what's going on... you're def having an adverse reaction. It's not uncommon to have adverse reactions to our meds... key is notifying your pdoc so that they can address the issue immediately.

I hope you find some relief soon. Please keep us posted. My fingers are crossed for you.

Many hugs,
Kosh

Thanks for that post. It's nice to know someone actually cares to take the time to talk WITH me about my problems. So Monday I had oral surgery, and have only taken one dosage of my neurontin since (I'm supposed to 3 times a day) because you can't take vicodin with neurontin, and I decided I could deal with my moods easier than I could deal with the extreme pain. And in the 3 days I haven't been taking the gabapentin, I have been soooo much happier. Sure, I am switching moods a couple times an hour, but my moods are nowhere near as extreme as they were. And I have been feeling something besides extremely pissed off. It's almost comforting to be off of it...I feel like I have a chance at being happy now. My mom has noticed the difference too, she's calling my pdoc tomorrow to have him take me off it for good and find me a better combination. My guess is that he will keep me on BuSpar, and raise my dosage of Geodon back up to 140 mg. I'm just afraid that I will go back to being a zombie like I was when I was on geodon, cymbalta, and buspar....I would go through school sleeping in half of my classes because the combination made me so tired. Plus, it made me so unable to eat that I could only eat one Oreo or 3 chips without having to run to the bathroom because I almost threw up. So hopefully he can find a combination that doesn't cause those side-effects. I'm kinda doubtful though...but I guess I have to give it a chance first. I'm starting to become afraid that I'm not going to be able to survive college because I won't find a working combination before I leave for the University of Kentucky in August. I really want to complete my major in psychology, go to med school, and become a psychiatrist, but half the time I'm so depressed that I don't want to continue school at all. It's so frustrating to be so willing to dedicate 12 years of my life to school and rotationals half the time, and then the other half I just don't want to at all. I just want to be 100% dedicated, and I'm afraid that if I don't find a good combination in the next 7 months that I won't be able to get good enough grades to make med school bc I won't be dedicated enough. Ugh. And on another note, my brother keeps telling me that the board wont certify and liscence me as a psychiatrist because I have attempted suicide and had the police involved in it....is this true? Because I really don't want to spend 12 years of my life preparing for something just to be told no because of something that happened when I was 17...something 8 couldn't even control...

Hi hon!
My apologies for taking a bit to get back to you. First, you are MOST welcome! The great thing about this forum is that there are ppl out there who all share common experiences with the disorder, so we do understand the unique frustrations of dealing with MH issues and tend to be pretty decent listeners

Ok, let's break things down.

Very glad your mom's contacting the pdoc about the neurontin. The pdoc DEF needs to be aware that both you and she have noticed differences in you both on and off that med. This way the pdoc will be able to make some adjustments and get you further along on the path of finding your proper meds combo. Try not to stress about exactly how your pdoc will tweak your dosages. Just visit with him/her and see what changes he/she makes first. If you've experienced intolerable side-effects from those meds or those meds at certain dosages, just try to be very alert to see if those same symptoms reappear and be sure to tell mom and the pdoc right away. If a med is causing you to not be able to keep food down or making you like a zombie, then those meds/dosages aren't right for you and you should tell mom and the pdoc right away. Meds are meant to help make us functional and restore quality of life to as near "normal" as possible. Not being able to eat or stay awake is NOT quality or functionality, so just see what the pdoc does with your meds and make sure you keep mom notified of how you feel on them.

Second, it is FANTASTIC that you're headed off to college and you have such great goals!!! Now, one thing us Cyclothymics have to try to keep on top of is not stressing ourselves out... if we stress out, we make things way worse and our condition gets out of control. Though it'll be a bit tough to do, try not to think along the lines of "I must find a med combo within 7 months or I'm screwed!" Take it one step at a time. If you put yourself under pressure of having this deadline, you're going to stress yourself out. What's to say you might not find a med combo in the next month? two months? so on? Just slow your mind down a little and try to take things one step at a time.... deal with one med switch at a time and see how it goes from there. If you do go off to college and the meds issue isn't quite what it should be, there are still options... either mom's insurance will be able to cover you seeing a pdoc/therapist in your college area, or the school will have services available to you. Life will not end if the meds aren't exactly right when you head off to school. The single most important thing for you to do is keep mom and the pdoc informed about how you're feeling on the meds as you go... that way the doc can make adjustments in a timely manner and you're not sitting there on a med that doesn't work for you.

As for a career in psychiatry... I'm not sure of the legalities involved in getting licenses for that. I, myself, am finishing a Bachelors in Psychology and next year will be entering a Master's program for Social Work to become a licensed counselor. I have had 3 suicide attempts (2 while in the military and one after I retired that landed me in a Psych Ward). Many many many people in the MH profession have mental health issues, themselves. Many of my therapists have been former substance abusers, been in jail, and have mental health diagnoses. Psychiatry/psychology is one of those careers in which a person having a history of issues in those areas is actually beneficial, in that they can uniquely connect with clients from a point of common understanding. Kinda "been there, done that" perspective. The KEY for anyone in those professions is that their conditions are managed at the time they are practicing. In other words, in the time before you finish off all your degrees, you need to work towards finding the right meds and having your condition managed to the point where it's not interfering with your life. Since you haven't yet started college, to become a psychiatrist, you have about 7-8 years of schooling ahead of you (4 yrs for a bachelors, 2 for a masters, 2 more for a PhD and then residency/licensing). You've got a LOT of time to work with there. It definitely isn't impossible to imagine that you could have your condition under control in that time. I think your only struggle will be with keeping the condition managed enough to perform well in your studies. Shoot for that first. The rest will come in time.

I know I didn't give you any phenomenal answers, but I think if you step back for a second and slow down and take things one step at a time without putting deadlines on yourself, things will progress and before you know it you will be where you want to be both mentally and academically.

Many hugs, hon!
Kosh

PS- do NOT listen to what ppl tell you about how your issues may prevent you from a career in MH... remember... you have many years of schooling ahead and even if there are rules in place preventing you (at this time) from that career, by the end of your schooling, with your condition managed, it's a whole different story.