Cycloʻs growing! Meet Jeremy C

JeremyC » Fri Nov 18, 2011 3:19 pm

Hi everyone;

I just recently got to this forum, searching all around to find some answers. In the mean time; I also spoke with therapist about my problems. I thought I might have SAD but, as it turns out, it's most probably cyclothimya. Knowing about this makef me feel good at the moment, specially beacuse I am currently in the up-side of a spectrum.

The problems started during high school; I had problems with self esteem , but, from time to time. Then, there were periods when I felt great about myself, about people around me and life in general (but I had problems with my concentracion). When I was up, I didn't care what people think about me but when I got depressed, I though about it constantly, figuring out that others perceive me as odd. No wonder cause I was either sullen or ''cranky'' jumpy, with fast speech, iritated, and so on.
I, and the others, just thought that puberty was responsible. However, when I entered to college, things did not get better. Thanks God, my grades were always good, work did not suffer because I have good memory. But I never reached my ful potential because I was either depressed or to jumpy to learn. Then, after a while, a lots of personal thing happened in short time frame and I melted down. FOr period of over 6 months I just slept and have spent most of the day in my pajamas, with cigarette in one hand, and remote in the other (I just switched channels). I also got panic attacks and some kind of hypohodnria because I felt like I was rotting inside and that my mind is blank. I just lied on my bed thinking dark thoughts. The only think that kept me going was one frined and my mentee although I became paranoid about doing wrong to them.

Then, all of a sudden, it just cleared and I returned to my old self which basicaly meanst that there were bad and good days but I could at least function. It continued to this day.

Problems I encounter include lack of planning; I find it difficult to plan or, better said, ralize my plans because I cant' preddict how I would feal. It complicates my relationships because it confuses people. I am, for exmaple, enthusiastic about going to the concert but when the time comes, I don't have the will to go. I always tended to brag about importance of having balance in your life, yet there ain't one in mine.

Switching between ups and downs is sometimes gradual, and there is this sensation like I am being drained. Then again, sometimes, it's more like a click (did someone turn off/on the lights?!).

Advices, I don't need them as much as I want to share my experience, I want to understand it and I want someone who understands.

p.s. sorry if my English was bad, I speak czech.

Thank you very much.
JeremyC
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Re: What's Your Story?

Welcome, JeremyC

Sharing your experience is good for others who want to know they're not the only ones having struggles like yours. I hope we can help you from time to time too.

JeremyC,
A belated welcome to the forum from me! Please don't be self-conscious about your English... your command of the language is actually GREAT! Boy, your story really resonated with me... on many points. I, too, get the "irritated/aggitated" kind of hypo (boy, what I wouldn't give to have the classic "euphoric, energetic Cyclo/BP hypo"...unfortunately my non-depressed states are like yours... aggitated beyond belief and ppl just scrambling to get out of my blast zone. Also, I can VERY MUCH relate to that lack of energy... making plans then when time comes to get ready or walk out the door you feel like the very life-force within you has been sucked right out of you. Don't know if you've had this happen... but my friends have gotten so sick of me bailing out of events (they aren't aware that it's because my energy is drained) that they have pretty much given up on asking me out, thinking I'm just one of those people who are "flaky" and say yes to going out but chronically beg out. It's caused quite a bit of tension between my friends and I. I just want to say thank you so much for sharing your story. It isn't often I run into a person on here who has the same "type" of Cyclo that I have... actually, sometimes I feel like a bit of an outsider here at times because everyone seems to have that energetic, euphoric high and I have the "get the hell out of my way; I am super-beotch" kind of Cyclo.

I am so glad you found the board!!! Please feel free to post as much as you wish here. This board is full of wonderful ppl and a great source of support. I hope you will find it as nice a place as I have.

Many hugs,
Kosh

I don't know if you mean UK or US college and highschool. To be honest, I don't even understand the US system.

I can relate to so much of this. Especially the 'issue' of good grades but never reaching my full potential. Academic performance has always been a big thing for me. That's not to say it's an important thing, it's just something that happened so it became a part of my life, annoyingly so even, when people just label you as some smart guy and think they know everything about you just because of that.

As for making plans, I went through a period of planning literally nothing more than a few days in advance. That's not really planning, I know.

"It complicates my relationships because it confuses people." - If have this issue mainly when I'm meeting new people. My friends are used to the fact that sometimes I'll just not be participating and other times I'll be the dominant, but when I meet new people they either think I'm just some moody guy who doesn't like them or that I'm this nutter who doesn't like them. Then when it comes to relationships romantic, there's no hope. I get to know this girl as a friend and she ends up getting the brunt of me morose just by sorry coincidence but is still there for me. Then I start to really like her, so I tell her. It's all going well. Then I go crazy and 'spent too much time' with a couple of other girls. She's miffed to say the least. I blame alcohol and tell her she's the one I want and that I'm sorry. She forgives me and we plan to go hang out together but then the time comes and I rerealise my philosophy of not planning too far in advance. Bailing on her once is maybe forgiveable, but when it happens multiple times her reaction is understandable.
I just give people the wrong idea all the time and I'm really not clear even though I try so hard to be.

Usually, I think, it fades in for me, but there has been a few times when it feels like someone's just torn everything out of me and I'm just weak and empty or there's a nuclear reactor in me that's gone into meltdown and I just can't control it.

Your English is great.

Sorry for hijacking the topic with an irrelevant ramble.