Couldnʻt let her story get lost: Meet Uofkan3!

uofkfan3 » Sat Nov 19, 2011 4:20 am

My story has its ups and downs, similar to my mood. When I was a child, I showed no signs of any abnormality in my mood whatsoever. I grew up with a loving family, and everything I could ask for. As I slowly grew older, I started having anger spells, where I would blow up at everyone and everything around me. My favorite words became "I hate you" and "I hope you die". At the time, nobody took it as anything besides a child being angry at people. However, looking back at it, I think this was Cyclothymia coming on. My freshman year of high school, I hit my head on a shelf and recieved a major concussion. For the next week I suffered from a migraine. Then the next Friday, I was playing in the Pep Band at a basketball game, when I suddenly forgot how to play my trumpet, blacked out, and started having tremors. I was in and out of the hospital for the next month, having a variety of tests done. Over the next few months, I lost control of my mood. I would blow up at people during lunch, then spend the entirety of lunch with my head down, crying. Suddenly, everything would be better, and I would be bouncing off the walls crazy. My mother and I assumed it was from the concussion, so I was taken to a neurologist who diagnosed me with post-concussion syndrome, and put me on an anti-depressant. However, the only effect that this medicine had on me was that it produced suicidal thoughts. One day, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend-at-the-time on the phone. Suddenly, she got mad at her family, and stormed outside. The only problem with this....it was mid-January and 20 degrees outside. I felt terrible that she was suffering just to talk to me, so I hung up, and proceeded to do the unthinkable. I looked around my room for a tool to use, grabbed my cover, and pulled it tight around my neck. After 10 minutes of struggling to breath, and almost passing out, I had a change of mind. I quickly untied the blanket from my neck, and gasped for air. My mother later heard me crying, and interrogated me until I had no choice but to explain my actions to her. It broke my heart doing this, as my mother has always been my hero, and been there for me. After finding out what I had done, my mother immediately scheduled me an appointment with a psychiatrist for the very next day. It turns out the doctor made an exception to see me, as I was only 15, and the minimum age for his clinic is 16. This was due to the fact that my mother actually suffers from bipolar disorder and is a patient of his. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with Cyclothymia. I was placed on an assortment of medications, and was temporarily healed...to an extent. My mood was much more stable, but it was still noticeably changing rapidly. Over the next two years I switched between combinations of a total of 7 medications, as they kept ceasing to work. I gained 70 pounds, all because of the medicines. Also, over this period of time, I developed a severe case of anxiety disorder NOS. I couldn't function at school because I was so anxious around people, and nearly had to drop band because I freaked out when I was playing in a group of 40 students, as I was afraid people would hear me playing and criticize me. I was placed on medications for anxiety, but they failed to work. In September of my senior year, this year, my anxiety peaked. During band one day, it came my turn to play for the teacher in front of the class. I could not get a single note out. I anxiously stated "I can't play" and the teacher glared, then moved on. Students then began to snicker, and one thought entered my mind: I can't take anymore.[i] For the rest of the day, I knew what i [i]had to do. When I got home from band practice that night, I crawled up to my room, and once again did the unthinkable. I grabbed my phone, sent my two friends a goodbye text, and proceeded to wrap a blanket around my neck. This time, I nearly succeeded. I blacked out, for approximately 2 hours. Suddenly, and miraculously, the doorbell ringing woke me up. It was the police. I immediately untied the blanket when I heard them ask for me and my mother, and walked out of my room. It turns out my best friend had called 911 when she finally received my text. What. A. Hero. I was interrogated for an hour, then driven to the hospital and nearly admitted to the psychiatric ward for a week at minimum. However, my psychiatrist gave me permission to leave, so long as my parents watched me 24/7 for the next week. I went to the psychiatrist the very next day, where he immediately took me off all four medications I was on, and placed me on the same medicine course as my mother. The effect was almost instantaneous. It suddenly felt as if a haze was lifted, and my life was suddenly cleared. My anxiety dissipated, and my mood stabilized almost completely. However, like usual, the medicine ceased to work after a month. I was right back to the old me. The doctor decided to try something new, and placed me on the anti-seizure medication Gabapentin (Neurontin). This drug is new into the bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder treatment world, but is already showing amazing effects in treating them. However, it failed for me. The first day I was on it, it made me stoned out of my mind. Something that I NEVER wanted to experience. Then, the next day, it proceeded to make me the most depressed I've ever been in my life. I literally lied in my room crying from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed. My mom called my psychiatrist, and he added Geodon (a previous medicine I had tried) back into my routine of pill-popping. So far, this seems to be THE combination. In the week that I have been on it, I have been manic for the majority of the day, but always crashing in the evening. I have no anxiety whatsoever, and feel like I am finally free of a curse that I was given.
Due to all of my troubles that I've experienced, I have decided that I want to pursue a career of psychiatry. I want to do whatever I can to make sure that nobody else ever has to go through the troubles that I've been through, and becoming a psychiatrist is the best chance I have at solving the problem. In the meanwhile, before I enter college and spend the next 12 years of my life in school or rotations, I am writing a novel on my life story. I recently read "Med Head" by Robert Patenson, a book about a boy with Tourettes, who suffered from some of the same things I've been through. Being able to connect to somebody else's story made me realize I am not alone. For this reason, I want to share my story, so that other survivors of suicide, cyclothymia, and anxiety disorders may know that there are others out there who are with them in the process of surviving that we call life.
I live by a simple motto:
Share your experiences with others, let others know you care, treat others BETTER than the way you want to be treated, give out hugs 24/7....they are great tools of comfort, and finally, the words "I love you" are special....save them for those that mean the world to you, and say them to all that do.
uofkfan3
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Welcome to the group, Uofkan3.

I hope we can help you with at least some of your struggle.

Uofkfan3,
Welcome to the forum and thank you so much for bravely posting your story! I'm usually more on top of things, but have lately gotten a bit bogged down, but now that I'm dug out, I just wanted to welcome you. Your struggle has been quite a big one. I, too, have that "pay it forward" attitude and am finishing up my BS in Psychology in April and heading into a Masters program next year. I really admire that you want to share and help others struggling. Again, thanks for sharing your story. Please feel free to post as much as you wish. I hope you'll find the forum as supportive a place as I have.

...and I LOVE your motto! I'm a HUGE fan of hugs (ask anyone on the forum, I'm a rampant virtual-hugs person)!

Many hugs,
Kosh

Your guys' care and support really means the world to me, thank you soo much. But just so you know, I am a guy. Haha. Just wanted to throw that out there.

I feel like a complete donkey!!! Please forgive me!! Ugh!

F&R,
No b embarrassed... heck, I've stuck my keyboard in my mouth on here WAY worse than that...lol... TRUST ME.

Hugs,
Kosh