I'm at rock bottom

I know "rock bottom" is used primarily for a stage in one's struggle with addiction, but I feel the same levels of despair. Let me apologize in advance if this gets a little lengthy. I just joined the site and this is my first post after reading several threads.

I'm 31, male, married (7 years), 2 beautiful children
I've been seeing a psychologist weekly for about 2.5 months. About a week ago, she through out the term 'cyclothymia.' I didn't know what to think of it. I didn't know what it meant, but based on the series of questions and discussion we had, I figured it was related to bp. She suggested that see a psychiatrist for an official medical evaluation & diagnosis. I made an appointment (5 weeks out, what takes so long?).

The same day I made my appointment, my wife came home from work, and I brought up the topic of separation (this is before I started researching cyclothymia). The fact is, we've both been unhappy for some time. We've had this discussion before. We both promise to work on things and we go through a short period where all is great (maybe aligned with my hypomanic episodes). This time, our discussion was different. She really wants out now.

I cannot fathom living without my family. My children mean the world to me, and the thought of joint custody overwhelms me. I understand why she wants to quit. I drain her. My constant pulling and pushing. She burdens a lot. She says "every day she wakes up and wonders what mood [I'll] be in."

But now I have hope! I really feel like I have all of my proverbial eggs in the cyclothymia basket. I feel like if I can get on meds, I will be able to deal with all of our issues a little easier. I know the pills are going to make our marriage perfect; I just think that minimizing my irritability and improving my self-esteem will help. These are some of her biggest complaints about me. And it appears there's an explanation! Maybe I'm not just a irritable a-hole by nature.

My concern is this. What if I don't have cyclothymia? I can definitely relate to living highs and lows. It was strange to me, initially, to learn that the extreme irritability was linked with the manic stage. In retrospect, it made sense. I had not seen the connection. During my depression stage, I like to close myself off in the room (both literally and emotionally). I guess I'm afraid of learning about it and fitting myself in thy cyclothymic mold. I guess I won't know for sure until I see my pdoc. I just wish I didn't have to wait a month.

Hey,

So, as I gather, you are still waiting to see the psychiatrist? I think that you should definately stay on the waiting list (they are lengthy waiting lists, generally, because there are too many mentally ill people out there, and too few professionals to treat them). You are correct to use the term 'rock bottom' too, because I'm sure that's what it feels like to you. Your life is going to change from this point forward, but it's still undecided which path it will take. Uncertainty - especially of this nature - can be so devastating to our mrale. Take it setp by step...

You have to prove to your that you are determined to improve the situation. You have to show her that you are tring very hard and your behaviour simply must change. She cannot read your mind so you have to both let her 'see' what you're thinkig through both actions and words.

As to whether or not you have cyclothymia ... well, either way, this is all about learning about who you are and how you interact with the world around you. It's not about fitting yourself into the cycltothymia 'mold'...it's a learnign experience that you simply have to take in order to improve your life.

Kevin

Chucky,
I appreciate the response. I am definitely still waiting to see the psychiatrist. I am also continuing to see my psychologist meanwhile.

I am definitely determined to improve my situation. The alternative is losing my family, which is unbearable to imagine. At this point, she seems willing to wait around to see me change. At one point, over several days, she was not willing. She had decided we were splitting up and that was final. I have also been trying very hard over the past few days to show her that I do what is expected and behave appropriately for my situation. I have also gone out of my way to please her and execute random acts of kindness. I'm afraid that this appears disingenuous given what is looming around the corner.

Whether or not I have cyclothymia... the reason I said this is because I feel it's my only hope at this point. I feel like there is an explanation as to why I feel this way and the label will simply help provide a path for treatment and change. By fitting into the mold, I meant: do I really have these symptoms, or am I fitting myself into them. I am truly afraid of being a self-diagnoser.

I understand exactly what it is to find out about cyclothymia and to be so glad to have an explanation that makes so much sense you worry that it's a confirmation bias and diagnosis fitting. I first read about cyclothymia a year ago while looking up yet again what might possibly cause me to be depressed from time to time. For the first time ever, I put non-depression behaviors in context too. All the times I stayed up late working on things that didn't need to be done right away and not being bothered too much by the sleep deficit the next day. All the creative periods followed by lags or times of getting big projects going only to let them trail off half done. All the times people asked me what was wrong and claiming I was acting like I was mad at them and I didn't know why they would ask such a question.

You're in a different situation than I am. Yours is a bit worse than mine, although I'm not sure mine isn't going the same direction. I guess my wife had learned to put up with my moodiness. When I asked her what she thought of cyclothymia as an explanation she rejected it right away. That didn't stop her a few days later from telling me not to blame having a down day on a disagreement we were having. Things have disintegrated to where I don't feel comfortable talking to her about anything anymore because I feel like she thinks I'm just a big joke now.

I understand wrestling with it in your head. Could I be making a diagnosis fit so I can at last have an explanation? I finally decided I needed to see a therapist to figure it out. Even while he and I threshed it all out, part of me didn't want to accept it and still doesn't. I do have two blood relatives with bipolar and that's a supportive indicator of the diagnosis. That wasn't talked about in my family but I figured out which relative to talk to discreetly about it and she told me. That's when I felt most of my resistance to the diagnosis break down. I don't know what it's going to take for the last of it to go away. I haven't actually seen a psychiatrist for a formal diagnosis. The therapist suggested I have a mild case now and my best bet is to control it through behavior and lifestyle unless it starts becoming ruinous because meds can be hard to deal with. But I'm considering a talk with a psychiatrist to figure out how to smooth out rapid cycling. Maybe that will be the final thing needed to make me completely accept it.

I don't know what to suggest so you can work things out with your wife. But I hope what I told you above is reassuring about the other aspects of what you're going through right now. Good luck. Let us know here how things go.

Dark-n-light,
My wife had learned to put up with my moodiness... then 7 years had passes. I drained her. She could no longer put up with it. It's seems good you're abreast of the situation before she burns out. My wife rejected the idea of me having cyclothymia right away too. I think she still does to an extent; yet, she agrees that I showcase many of the symptoms. I can also relate to you not feeling comfortable talking to her about it. At this point, my wife seems like she's just very cautious, but I take it as negativity and I'd rather not hear it right now.

Again, it's awesome that you're on top of it before it has an opportunity to progress. I appreciate your words of encouragement and your reassurance.

im sorry to hear your storries.
what i say may be some help and may not be. i hope i can help u even if its in a little way.
ive been with my hubby neally 10 years and married 20 months no kids yet im only 25. but my bubby seen me get worse and worse through my late teens and early 20s. and finally he said last year go get help your getting bad u cant do this on your own any more. so i did seen a phycologist for 1 year then he parmed me off to a phychitris and yes i had to wait 6 weeks to for that appin but now i get in every 2 weeks as a regular paitiont.and ive been seeing him for 6 months or more i think. i do have cyclothymia with a diognoses. yes it is hard for our loved ones cos they dont understand fully its an emotional mood disorder. my hubby senses when im in a bad mood or bad way he just avides me for the better lol other wise he nos i may shoot my mouths and not stop at any thing. he just tells me he dosnt take it personal he says he nos i cant help it abnd its ok as long as u keep up with the profesional help so they can asses me reguly. hes happy with that.im on medication now though. i still get symtoms but not as bad. i am much better but every not brake out.

maby have your wife come to theripy with u. or when your down write down how you feel and the same when you up and high write down your feelings and out look on life. then let her read it. and every time and inserdent happens weather a argument or any thing when your out and if u get emotional or u feel personal about some thing write it down. sit down with your wife let her read. than talk about it. i usaly talk with my husband now but at the start i couldnt i didnt no how to get my emotions out. and even some time still i have to go back to the writing it down and he reads it when im real up set. but im lucky he understands.

keep us posted on how things go for you would love to here how you go.
it is a long prosses but if u r cyclothymic and u go on meds u will feel so much better it dose take about 4 to 6 months though for them to get the levels right in your blood. but the mood stabilizers pritty much worked intently for me.

Thank you, babygirl, for your insight. I like the idea of writing and letting her read. That seems like it could help avoid conflict. Babygirl, you're fortunate to have such an understanding and patient husband. I guess my wife was patient and understanding for many years, but I ruined that. She's still pretty upset and fed up at this point, so I haven't really made any progress with her. She appears to be taking the cyclothymia as an excuse although I try so hard to avoid talking about it when talking about our relationship.

I saw my therapist today. We had a great session. She was going to call the psychiatrist to see if she can move my appointment up at all. In the meantime, I am trying to stay aware of my emotions and avoid acting in ways that I know upset her.

Thank you all for listening. I'll keep posting here as it seems to help me.

Oddly enough I feel that my wife (who is cyclothymic) and I have the best results, when we email each other. For example during the day at work. I certainly feel safer, because I can think of my words, I can refer back to exactly what was written, and I feel that I get to say my peace without being interrupted.

saaristonlapsi, I definitely understand how that can be helpful. A lot of the times, I react and say things I don't mean. It would also help, as you say, both of us fully say our piece without the other jumping to conclusions and blurting out whatever we feel is fair at the time without listening to the whole story.

Thanks for the advice and I'll pitch it to my wife.

thats fantastic about the writting down im glade were all kinda on the same page.

saaristonlapsi it is an improvment for you. do you find you have gotten ferthuer in writing than the spot you was in a few months back. im proud you have found a way of comunicating and or able to get your feelings out and across.

HotAndCold yes i hope it works for you the email or letter. i wouldnt want to read on here in weeks or months that you have split with your wife. i know it musent be easy for here. just keep trying your best and hang in there. i think that when you see the phychitris things will start looking up. i go no were with my phycologist he just bought up all my past and made things worse to tell you the truth and made my anxiety go through the roof. i do a mood chart and it gets chechet at my appintmens. a lot of people cant be bothered doing them. its an every day thing. but i do it to help my self and it helps the phycitris to see were my moods are and whats going on with a better in look on his ends. its worth it in the long run.

i love reading on here and talking it makes me happy. and makes me feel good talking to you to saaristonlapsi im feel that you understand whats going on because of what you go through with you wife. i feel were on the same page and we help each other.