We have the right to express real emotions, don't we?!#@!

Woah!!! I canʻt imagine living with that "unusual trait of yours"... how medicine wears off! My pdoc just mentioned today that my dosage may need to be increased eventually, but it didnʻt occur to me that Iʻll need to switch. I mean, Itʻs been a year of trial and error that has taken me up and down the weight scale which has been horrific! Weight gain has brought loss in self-esteem! I have been through many a change along with pdocs thank goodness to finally have found a great combo thatʻs working for me right now! Itʻs a solid month of feeling balanced and like a healthy full fledged adult for the first time in my life. Iʻm on topamax, lamictal (which is a bizarre blend of the same kind of mood stabilizer - but it works well because the topamax is helping with weight loss though the side effects are quirky and affect my speech - itʻs worth it for a season to drop the 60 added pounds from other meds. Iʻm also taking wellbutrin XL and fluoxetine just mid cycle and right before and at the start of the "flow" because my dreaded day "14" and PMS are my frightening days when the "BEASTIE" can and does rear her scary head and I am literally not fit to be with people. Iʻve learned that the condition is called premenstrual magnification - when the fierce mood swings, especially rage - are exacerbated! (hopefully youʻll never experience this... I never did until I hit my forties FYI) There have been at least three cycles in my lifetime when I have had thoughts of suicidal ideation on that DAY 14 and I knew something was terribly wrong because everything was good in my life, but a little thing would set me off and I found myself driving and all of sudden, out of NOWHERE, BAM! in my head, crashing my car seemed possible, a torrent of tears bursting from my eyes, I knew this wasnʻt normal... every month Iʻve dreaded this day, have wanted to run to the forest or isolated beaches where I couldnʻt inflict myself upon anyone... still hoping the medicine I have will work and I wonʻt emotionally scar and devastate my children, my students, my husband, ugh! Thank you for sharing and for listening.

uofkfan3 wrote:My psychologist said something to me that fits perfectly to this conversation..she heard me say "I have friends who are bipolar" and proceeded to correct me with this amazing statement...."You are not bipolar. You have bipolar disorder. But you also have green eyes, blond hair, and a great sense of humor." Having a disorder does not define who you are. It simply is a single factor of the person that you are.

Yes, our (mine and my wife's) pdoc keeps saying this exact thing too. The disease does not define the person. My wife is the one with cyclothymia. And little by little I think I'm realizing it more. Hopefully. It's not always easy though.

I haven't fretted over "I'm cyclothymic" vs. "I have cyclothymia". I'm just so happy to have an explanation. I guess I just don't take "I'm cyclothymic" to mean the problem's defining me. It has what effects it has on me. How I describe it won't change that. Managing it will and changing the words doesn't change the management methods. But if it helps others, I'll be sensitive about what I say.

For me Dark, It's not what people "say" like a politically incorrect thing necessarily, but when I first got diagnosed I certainly battled with overidentifying with it and it became this huge anchor around my neck! The correction was more for my own spirit than for others... Though Sarristonlapsi (hi by the way! Good to hear from you!!) may not even realize or be aware- and It may differ from person to person, but for me personally, the term "disease" doesn't sit well with me. (no offense) In fact, nowhere, in any article or medical reference is cyclothymia or bipolar disorder referred to as a disease... "mental illness" Is about the most drastic of labels I've had to wrap my heart and mind around but even THAT is something I/WE should not define us. But that's at least why the distinction matters to me, Dark.

Hope y'all have a beautiful Sunday!

The only time I've ever actually gotten mad at somebody for saying I was bipolar is with this girl that used to be my best friend. She started constantly complaining about my bipolar disorder and my moods, and then led me on just to say to my face "I could never date you because your bipolar just like my dad." She was implying that because I had the disorder, I was destined to abuse her and others physically because her dad did because he refused to get treatment for his bipolar disorder. That really makes me mad when people generalize us with disorders and assume we are all wife beating, children abusing, bleepity bleeps. SOME of us, in fact the MAJORITY of us are nicer than the "normal" population due to all the horrible problems that we put up with daily. We realize better than most how important relationships are in our lives because we have a tendency of pushing away loved ones who don't care to understand we don't mean to treat them bad. So when we do finally find a person we can trust and love, we tend to take extra care to treat them right. It just pisses me off that people don't take the time to get to know us because we are different and have some issues.

Uofkfan3,
Try not to take remarks like your friend said personally. Now, when ppl in your life that you care about spout off with stupid remarks, they can sting. But remember... ppl make generalizations and say STUPID things out of ignorance. Plain and simple- ignorance. You are, indeed, correct... those of us dealing with MH issues are KEENLY aware of the importance of relationships and how we treat others. I have found that MANY ppl with MH issues are much more "enlightened" than "normal" ppl.
The reason is that we have had to live with and educate ourselves about our disorders. I, too, used to get REALLY angry at ppl making ignorant statements. But then I decided that I shouldn't. Not that what they were saying was right; but because they were saying things that came from a lack of true knowledge. No one who has BP casually says "oh, that beotch must be BP" ...we just don't. It is because we know what BP really is. But remember, most ppl don't take time to educate themselves on this stuff unless 1) they have it or 2) they have a close friend or family member with it. How many times have I heard "oh, man... geez... did he/she not take his/her meds today?" when someone's acting wierd? A million. Again, if you have to take meds daily for MH issues, you only ask if someone's off meds if they appear to have MH issues and appear not to be on their meds... not simply because someone's grumpy or acting silly. It takes a little time to get thick skin, but those of us with BP need to have that thick skin. What your friend said was an incorrect generalization. Point that out to her if she does that again, and if she continues to do so after that, maybe she needn't be in your life if she is going to continue making insulting generalizations that are not based in fact.

Hugs,
Kosh