What's Your Story?

Hello everyone I am glad that I found this site and want to make friends with fellow cyclothymics... I want to tell my life story and how I was diagnosed with cyclothymia recently at age 27. It's a pretty boring story and I apologise beforehand for it

Childhood: I am from a small island in the middle of nowhere. I was born with a very rare congenital deformity called oromandibular limb hypogenesis syndrome which is a developmental disorder [that caused my lower limb digits to not fully develop(can see only the digit buds), retrognathic facies, lower lip hypoplasia,dental malocclusion, pulmonary regurgitation]. In short, weird homunculus you can say .My parents lost their first child just after birth due to unknown reasons. The second child was a girl apparently normal. Then I was born with all my abnormalities but i was blessed with a very caring parents. They took it as a challenge and raised me really well alongwith my sis. My sister was very great intellectually and I was a bit shy/naughty/always mistreated my sis. Days went like usual and when my sis and me were still kids, a very unfortunate event happened, my sis committed suicide by hanging due to a silly quarrel in school. She wrote a letter saying she is going today to heaven to make her friends happy and will come tomorrow. This was a life shattering event for my parents and me. This negatively affected them for the rest of their life but they never allowed me to suffer because of that. During elementary school I was often made fun of my rabbit teeth lol. As I grew older my dad bought me NES console so that I can play games and enjoy myself just by staying at home. And boy I really digged it .so I used to play videogames and study for exams in a balance way.They took good care of me and fast forward to high school me and my parents learned that I am academically brilliant(a nerd lol). So they provided me opportunities for better schooling and asked me to write the medical entrance exam and fortunately I cracked it. It was a dream come true for my parents. They always wanted me to become a doctor and here I was going to become a doc without knowing anything.

University: I entered the medical university. It was very competitive and tough. Initial period I found it difficult to adjust as this place had a different local language. I quickly learned it to a manageable casual conversation extent, made some new friends etc.This was a time where batch mates all started impressing each other and opposite sex of their talents. As I was from a different place and the language barrier in front of me I felt like I was a bit lost. I had difficulties adjusting and meeting the high demands and to add more to it i had a lot of insecurities. I was constantly trying to hide my lower limb deformities and escape from social situations. Due to my retrognathic facies, I could see sometimes people staring at me or strangers asking what happened to you etc. initially I took it very lightly and explained to others my condition but I don't know why but gradually I was developing some sort of body dysmorphic disorder. I began to stay away from social interactions. I began to avoid extra curricular activities, tours,birthday celebrations etc. Most days I spent my time in my own room. I entered the world of internet and started making virtual friends, got into gaming(ps2)/anime(naruto)/conspiracy theories (UFOs,aliens,roswell)/technology(symbian,java,android,windows) etc things that nerds/geeks liked. I found them to be quite relatable to me unlike my batchmates. I felt like I belonged in the world of internet alongwith the geeks and began straying far away from reality and got interested more in the fictional world. But I found some good friends who were similar, understood me and we became a strong group together. When I think retrospectively even while on this group there are days I don't want to spend time with my friends and other times I am just so upbeat that I just wanted to hang out with them and chill. I liked staying with these friends but I disliked seeing my other batchmates at the college. Then after 1st year uni I went on for my dental and surgical facial correction and unfortunately the dermal autografts got rejected. The dentist told like if it was at a younger age then it could've been better but at this age it is difficult. I was so depressed that I told my parents to not do anything to correct my abnormalities. I had a quarrel with them and told that it's all your fault in not doing it at the right time and told to stay away from it. During my 2nd year of university ie at age 20, I met with a road traffic accident and sustained comminuted fracture of patella(knee cap). I was operated and put screws in knee cap. It took 3 months for rehab and during this period I became a burden to my family and one day i was so depressed that I ran away from home and tried to commit suicide by drowning myself in a pond nearby, but I was a coward to begin with and was saved by my dad before I attempted it. Later Got back to university and the same cycle again. During my fourth year uni probably that's when I started developing cyclothymic tendencies. There were times I would just keep lying in my bed crying for hours thinking why was i born abnormal, why was my sis taken away from me, why am I constantly trying to escape from realities, why can't I do this and that etc. These negative thoughts just became so intrusive that It became quite difficult to cope up and I started skipping some of the classes. But then later after few days I am back to the very positive state that I am so full of myself, do creative things,sports,movies,computer repairing etc only to fall flat later. My grades started to go down. The thing i used to excel in ie study got worse but not to the point that i failed the exams, somehow always able to pull it off. The on off cycles kept on going. I had always failed in attracting a woman due to my looks and wasn't able to get anyone from my college. So I thought I should better look somewhere else instead of these "expensive going to be docs". Then I remembered that there was a girl I had a crush since my high school and one day I accidentally got her number. I started making my moves. I constantly pursued her for around 6 months and finally made her to fall for me. Wow success in this field was a surprise for me.It went smoothly for next 2 months and then later she wanted to break up as she fell for someone else and her family wouldn't accept me. Unfortunately I was in dysthymic phase at this time, so I thought yea who would want to fall for me, who am I fooling to begin with, I cant defy fate, i probably forced her into this and all those negative shits and I just left her without even trying to fight for her and from that day onwards I decided that I was born to live as a bachelor and would never seek romance because i was too afraid of the inevitable rejection. I got over her after few weeks. I diverted my attention more again on virtual world/gaming/anime/forums/blogs etc. It went on with the ups and downs and I finished my 5 year course. Next came internship where I had to work in the hospital as house surgeoncy with my colleagues for 1 year. During this period I used to work like an alcoholic for 72 hours straight, go and take duties of others, help friends, increased social interaction, lack of sleep, very energetic. it was probably during my hypomania state and when i was dysthymic I used to take leaves, get in quarrel with friends,clumsy, lack of confidence in managing patients, increased sleepiness,getting tired easily. It was stressful but I managed. I never in my life thought that these mood fluctuations can be a psychiatric disorder, instead I thought it's just my shortcomings/inferiority complex/my unhealthy way of thinking. Then came my psychiatric duty posting and I saw a case of bipolar disorder, immediately got intrigued, went home and read about it and felt like some things I can relate to but not much, I went online and searched for the milder form and there you have it cyclothymia!!! immediately consulted a psych doc and he told i may have cyclothymic tendencies, he told just to monitor it and see if it's getting worse. At that time I was under the notion of not taking meds..i told my friends about it and they mocked me and mocked that psych doc also every time I bring it and they ridicule it ... so i stopped thinking about cyclothymia as I myself didn't wanted to admit that I have this. It's a stigma to have a psychiatric disease in India and especially if you are in a field of doctors.

Postgraduation pursuit: I graduated but didn't attend the graduation ceremony lol. I got my doctor degree and licence to practice. Then my friends and everyone started thinking about specialisation (doing MD or MS) in a particular field. So everyone started going for MD/MS entrance exam coaching classes for 1 year. I also joined the bandwagon. It was highly competitive. We had to read for 16-18 hours a day for morning 6am to night 11.30pm everyday just to remain in the race. And this is the time where things started getting complicated, during my hypomania phase I am very productive in my studies and read books like hell and then suddenly snap, off I go, I feel so demotivated, lack of confidence, lack of goal directed works, constant search for pleasure giving activities. This cycle went on and ultimately this time I couldn't score a good rank in entrance exam, got 8000 rank out 1lac docs that appeared.. it was my first academic failure, was tough to deal with... My parents and friends suggested to repeat again and I did, and luckily I was in hypomania state when I was near exam I secured a rank 700. My parents wanted me to take it but I was so overconfident/so full of myself that I told them I am gonna repeat again and try to come under 500 this time to get MD radiology(I aspire to become one). So I didn't take the opportunity of becoming a paediatrician/physician/surgeon/psychiatry etc and focussed my aim on radiology(psshh..no social interaction in this, just reading the scans lol). But never did I know that it was the worst mistake of my life. After that I began part time practising for money and studying but the cyclothymia was on full effect and I just could never make it in the subsequent exam. It went bad to worse and I started blaming my parents for all the $#%^ I was going through my life. Made my mom cry a lot of times. 2 years back during one of my dysthymic phase I tried to sever all my bonds and past with my families and just ran away somewhere and start a whole new life or just go jump in front of a train. I packed my luggage and went to the railway station but as I told I am a coward and was not able to do it. Now I am 27 and still pursuing the post graduation with a completely worn out mind and ultimately decided to admit that I have cyclothymia and decided to get help. I consulted the psychiatrist 4 days ago and got diagnosed as cyclothymic, nothing surprising there! I was given the option of lifestyle modifications/CBT/Meds. I asked my psychiatrist to give me some time. And I started reading more about cyclothymia and here I am now. I started myself on amisulpiride 50mg for dysthymia and valpraoate if hypomania causes any trouble.

Tl;dr I too have cyclothymia, but not that difficult as the rest of you here probably. Godspeed to all cyclothymics there

P.S: sorry for my English, not my native language

My story....
I am female & 55. Post menopause about 5 years out. I write that because my mood cycles started then too. I have very regular cycles of depression 2-3 weeks and hypomania 3-4 weeks and no breaks of normal in between.

Lithium and management skills I have learned are very helpful at keeping the hypomania under control. I am a Kaiser member so have good access to workshops and support groups. I am in a bipolar support group that is helpful; however, so far I can't find anyone or group with my type of chronic cycles.

It's been a trek for me to get this far. I have a long story about the impact on & relationship with my family.

I am interested in finding:
Anyone else has these regular cycles and treatment for depression.

How to educate teenage kids so they can have some empathy and recognize it in themselves or others if need be.

I would say interest in how a spouse can support my condition but that is too little too late for me and another story.

Hello, I'm new here, and I'm not really sure what drove me to join. I just know that if I don't release some tension, I may just lose my mind. I guess that is reason enough. I look forward to reading your stories, and I will try to be as active in this community a I can. Here is some of mine.

My depression started in middle-school. I felt disconnected from everyone, and my social anxiety came out. I blushed when talking (still do), and one particular incident exacerbated the condition. My worse fear in the entire world from that point was the fear of being singled out, humiliated, or ostracized. I got by just fine though. I had a few friends, and I'm not the ugliest dude in the world, so I led a pretty normal life as far as the ladies went.

Well, in college the anxiety was IN-TENSE. It got so bad that I would vomit before class. I've been seeing a psychiatrist intermittently ever since, and Ive been on every anti-depressant you can imagine. Some of them helped me out of some tough spots, but I ultimately get off of them because of the side-effects. One year in particular, I became hypomanic. I would chain-smoke cigarettes and write songs all day. I though I was the best ######6 musician this side of the Mississippi, and I was going to be a rock star. Anyway, that faded away (duh), and the crippling depression and humiliation came after that. Ever since then, I just haven't been the same, and the cycle repeats itself.

I'm not currently on any medication, and I can usually get by just fine for a while before an episode takes hold. I convince myself that there is nothing up with me until a begin to unravel inside. I'm almost always more depressed than manic, and that is the case today, and for the better part of the past two weeks. But i'm also incredibly anxious, and my sleep has been $#%^. My mind is racing all day - songs are stuck on endless loops in my head. I pace around aimlessly and play out little argumentative scenarios in my head until I find that I'm angry at someone who hasn't actually done anything.

Anyway, I just wanted to post because I feel like i'm going to explode. My heart is racing, and I feel completely empty. My body is up, but my mind is void. Any sense of happiness I've ever had is gone at the moment, and it's pretty ######6 overwhelming. I know I'll pull through; I always do, just like I did in college. But I'm tired, just really tired, and I'd like to talk to someone who can relate.

@fenderguy--A warm welcome from me!

Do you have bipolar disorder? I notice you said hypomania and mania. That's why I ask.

It feels good to share about our depression. I write this because I have a therapist and she helps me a lot. Especially when I am depressed.

Hi there,

I am Theresa, 26, from Germany. Currently I am living in Brasil for a few months, finishing my law trainee.

I was diagnosed with Cyclothymia about a year ago even though my P and T have always been a little insecure about it. In Summer, after some unfortunate event I was also diagnosed with BPD, but they didn't take the Cyclothymia back but rather said it seemed like a mix of both.

So here's my story (and I am writing this still wondering if I got the right diagnosis, even though reading some of the stories I think it fits like a glove while in others the mood swings seem way stronger than mine):

I had a few uncomfortable events in my childhood, referring to growing up with an alcoholic dad who tried to commit suicide eventually, so he was internalized and my mom moved out. Years of back and forth with my dad, trying to keep the contact up, failing and getting back into touch after like four years. He married and had daughters, my mom married and had a son. Bad teenage years, I hated my family because I felt pushed away, got anorexic, started cutting.

When I was 18 I moved out and started studying law (besides my problems I have always been a very good student and a very creative person). That was when I got into my first relationship that should last almost six years. I got very hypochondriac, I was still eating disordered and very jealous, always afraid he might leave me. He also has BPD, so that was a complicated thing between us. Most of this time I used to be depressed, but before I had had times of sudden elation since my childhood, followed by days of feeling almost unable to move and thinking about suicide, hurting myself.

By now my relationship is over, I am single, and I have worked a lot on the family issues. Mostly I would say I am doing all right. After the relationship ended I got wound up in drugs and drinking and for a while I showed some very excessive behaviour concerning partners and substance abuse. I used to sleep very little, be unable to concentrate and either be elated and doing a hundred things at a time, aggressive and not managing anything or totally depressed, feeling ashamed for all that I had done. Now I am better, after turning myself IP in summer, when a story with a guy blew up. I started playing the piano afterwards, painting, do a lot of sports and quit the drugs. So I am more stable. But still, I suffer phases of sudden elation - creativity, hundreds of ideas, racing thoughts, little sleep, feeling all jumpy - followed by phases of depression: Today my colleague caught me crying in my office, I just couldn't stop and I don't really have much to complain about in my life, all are minor problems, but it's just like I was drained of all joy suddenly and I already can foresee these phases: I leave my creative projects, I feel that I will be alone forever and that nothing makes sense, I isolate and tend to dislike all kinds of people, but mainly myself. Right now it is freaking hard to get out of bed and I know that this is the price I pay for having worked like a maniac, been out drinking, losing control and sleeping around the weeks before, feeling "unnaturally happy" as I had told a friend.

Can anybody relate?