What's Your Story?

Hi beebop!

I reread your post introducing yourself and can tell you that I have lived the very same experiences!! drinking til I blacked out... one time, when i woke up, my panties were backwards and I had no CLUE how that happened or who I might have been with.... YIKES!!!! there are so many horror stories... and thatʻs the "me" I had so much disdain for, the "me" that couldnʻt cope with life and felt like such a failure. I too had the very same experience with my husband... binge drinking until I became violent, attacked him and lost my big toe nail in the process. When I read the symptoms, they seemed to "fit like a glove"... just like you. so I hope you find some relief like I did, not that the disorder is an excuse for the behavior, but at least it has a medical name and itʻs not "just the way you are," you know? Iʻm convinced that my husband was heaven sent because he has already put up with more than is humanely possible, but that is the power of love, yeah? donʻt worry about your man... open up to him about everything youʻre discovering and he will be your greatest cheerleader, heʻll have far more compassion when you create eggshells for him to walk on, and heʻll be intuned with you and able to be supportive. Hereʻs an interesting thing I learned from my first pdoc... do you know that we have lower levels of lithium in our bodies? I took blood test after blood test. I saw the normal level that most people have, and the lower level we live with... no wonder the quest for alcohol! youʻre NOT an alcoholic, and believe me I thought I was for twenty plus years! when my lithium levels reached what the average person has, I lost that craving and havenʻt had a binge episode for over a year... I still enjoy an ice cold beer after work to decompress, but I can stop at two now rather than six. I truly think you will feel balanced and more stable with the right medication, but that is of course a very personal decision. I have had bad experiences on certain meds and had to keep on experimenting which took me almost two years. the zombie effect isnʻt necessarily what you will experience... I had the same fear that it would change me and I wouldnʻt be myself anymore... if you DO feel that way, then you havenʻt found the right combo for you, yet. You gotta persevere with ur pdoc until you find what works for you. I learned about geodon on utube of all places. A psychiatrist was explaining his preferred prescription for cyclothymia specifically, and geodon in tandem with an antidepressant like bupropion and a small dose of lamotragine (lamictal) keeps me feeling like a normal, responsible, functioning adult. I LOVED lamictal, but had to stop because I experienced major hair loss. with the small dose, it doesnʻt affect my hair! food for thought anyways if you choose medication... my husband and I both can attest to a night and day difference in me because of the meds. I would be more than happy to continue sharing with you, lola and coastermum anytime! perhaps we should set up a different thread to carry on our conversation and support system for each other and any other newcomers or oldtimers on this forum? Iʻll call it "cyclothymia support; empathetic ears" so we can carry on our conversation and invite others to join us. itʻs wonderful to connect with you ladies!! take really good care of YOU!!

[TRIGGER WARNING - Abuse]

Hi I am very new to this forum (like less than an hour) but have already gained a lot of insight into this disorder. And I appreciate that very much. My husband was diagnosed today. In a way I am so happy to hear a diagnoses but yet so sad because that means something is really wrong, not just a bad day. I feel like I have so much to say about this, about our story, about my story, about his story...so I guess I will start writing.

My husband was born out of wedlock his father being Irish and his mother being of a black/indian descent. While his mother was pregnant his father left due to the racial mix. (Did he not realize what color she was to start??) She was an only parent, struggling. She needed a man though and got married, this man was black, they had two more kids. (Im not racist in any sense, but color happens to be part of the story, unfortunately) From what I know things were ok to start, but then the physical abuse started. First with his mother. He remembers his step dad beating his mother and him trying to protect his mom and 2 sisters. Then his step dad starting beating him. Constantly making comments about him being white and how he didnt belong in the family because he wasnt black. He even said to my husband, then probably 10 years old, "go stick your head in that swimming pool over there and breathe in deep and do us all a favor". His mother finally divorced his first step dad, and was exposed to many more men coming in and out of his life. Then came the second step dad. He was even worse than the first. My husband remembers his mom being beat with a baseball bat then falling to the floor and then her husband stomping on her head. He beat all the kids and was a dead beat-making his wife work while he stayed home playing video games and smoked pot. Then his mother started abusing the three kids also, at one point hitting my husband across the head with a frying pan (afterward blacking out), being beat with cables and being attacked in the middle of the night by being beat in the face with the heal of a shoe.

When his mother was with her first husband, he was very attached to his mom and wanted to protect her. His cousins beat him up over this. The same cousins who in fact molested him many years earlier. They pinned him in a corner and kicked him in the stomach over and over until he spat blood.

He hated being at home and to escape stayed with friends for days sometimes weeks at a time. When he was home he played video games or music to help him escape the torment at home. He became sexually active at 14-15 with a few girls, seeking love and attention. (I know that is not very uncommon these days, I guess Im just an old fashioned 23 year old.) He began having depression and was diagnosed with ADD as a child. He saw therapists but nothing seemed to help. He had 2 suicide attempts I believe and spent time in a behavioral clinic. Things stabled out some after his mom got rid of her 2nd husband. However after an accident it left her in critical condition in the hospital and with a permanent disability, not to mention the mental disabilities gained from beatings, it left her at home in bed on too much medication. He was a teenager at this point and was becoming his own person.

We met when he was 18, I was almost 17. I fell for him instantly. He was the most attractive person I had ever seen. I too had suffered from depression for most of my teen years and struggled with cutting myself, and he seemed to understand me. Nothing I said sounded odd to him, he was truly concerned. He moved across the country to be with me. I thought I could help him here, show him a better life and make him happy. However I treated him so badly. I was jealous, immature, nieve, judgmental, close minded, insecure and harsh. Yet he stayed with me. I wish I could take these things back so badly. He is the most forgiving, gentle, kind, passive, and loving person you could ever meet. I wish I could be half the way he is. How could he be this way after all that had happened to him? This question baffles me to this day, but nevertheless stuns me in how utterly amazing he is.

We were married in 2007. Young but in love. And struggling to make end meet. The first year we in a way did our own things. I worked opposite shifts of him and we rarely saw each other. I hung out with people at work a lot and he played video games and music a lot. It wasnt a bad first year but we were a bit disconnected from one another. Then he started drinking more. He hated work. He worked, came home, played video games and drank. I was controlling, and very unapproachable. He began to hide things from me, like talking with his ex girlfriend. I found out and flew off the handle. Looking back I realize yeah, I had a right to be angry but not this bad. I felt crazed. Unfortunately one night while I was at work he ended up getting drunk and making out with some one very very close to me. (is that considered cheating?) When he told me the next morning, I was beside myself. I ended up cutting myself over 20 times with a box cutter and taking a bottle of Nyquil, Tylenol and some anti depressant. Needless to say I was in ICU for 3 days and then in a behavioral clinic for a week. During that whole time I just wanted everything to go back to normal. To act like nothing ever happened. I cut myself very frequently afterward, and my husband feeling overwhelming guilt didnt know really what to do with himself and kinda pushed himself away from me. The drinking continued. Would get better. Then would get worse again. He could never let what he did go, but I commended him on even telling me, because that alone takes a big person. I look back now and think of how irrational I was in acting out that way.

He has always struggled with anxiety and depression. Medication made him apathetic and mean. Not better. It would make him void of emotions not less anxious or depressed. So he just quit trying medications and tried handling it on his own. He would do great. I mean really really great, for like 2-4 weeks. Helping me clean, talk with me, laugh, be happy, have energy, wake up early and make himself breakfast- just a fully different person. Then it would come to a screeching halt. The anxiety would start. Fear. Fear of not being good enough at work, losing his job, not being a good person, not living up to expectations. Then the depression, then him pulling away from me. Constantly needing a distraction. Not able to hold a conversation. Being impulsive, which is so damaging. He will get so anxious that he needs something to totally divert his attention. First it was drinking, then he would want to smoke (which he was very against because he didnt want to harm his body), and then pornography. Which again I understand is very common, but we both vowed to one another that we would keep sexual things between each other and each other only when we got married. So to us it was a big deal. I would feel so insecure after he did it. I would regain some trust and then he would do it again. I took it personally when I know I shouldnt have but I felt so betrayed. He would be low for 1-3 months then he would be fine. Back to being full of energy and on top of things.

Fast forward to now. We have been in a low for about 2 months. The high this past time was a long one...about 4 or more weeks. He was put on a medication for ADHD and it seemed to help him in the most amazing way possible. He was confident and active, supportive and loving. A totally different person (in a good way!) and he was so happy. Laughing and so enjoyable to be around. Our lives felt light. We didnt argue much. Coming home from work was so nice because we would see each other. Then it stopped. More anxiety. Anger. Not talking but inverting himself. More drinking. Pornography...which hadnt happened in months and months...but it was now pornography involving incest. I was so disturbed, and shocked. He said that is was just so disgusting that it took his mind completely off of his fears and anxiety, but then he felt gross and disturbed afterward. He said it was something he would never actually do or want to do but the impulses get the best of him. They make the situation so much worse too, which he knows, but in that moment it takes all of it away. Kind of like some one addicted to drugs. Thankfully though he is not addicted to this but I have tried very hard to understand he is not trying to hurt me. He doesnt meditate on pornography and doesnt plan on doing it, he just snaps and it happens, and he hates himself so much more after he does it and I in turn hate that he hates himself. I said that it may be time that he saw a Dr, which he did and was put on a n anti depressant. So far it seems ok. No awful side affects which has been great! The dpression and anxiety are not all consuming now but he still needs a distraction at all times to keep it at bay. He also started seeing a phychologist, which gave him this diagnosis today.

He has always thought that he was unintelligent and incapable of doing things right, even though I think he is one of the most intelligent people I've met. His self esteem is so very low, and feels as if no one understands him at all. I can help and listen to his concerns and feelings, but there is only so much that I can do. And I feel so helpless because of that. I have been fortunate enough to get my anxiety and depression under control with medications and a lot of self searching. I do have break through depression from time to time but all in all I feel pretty happy. I just want my husband to feel better, I would give up the happiness that I feel just to see him be truly happy. He tried for so long when we were first married to make me happy. But I was unreceptive and stupid. I feel like now roles are reversed. Im doing all that I can to make him happy but I cant. I cant do enough and surface level, sure, I can make him smile and laugh, but for him to feel happiness and joy in his heart is what I want for him. I want him to be able to go to bed at night without feeling anxious, to be able to live without having to be distracted most of the time, to laugh and mean it, to enjoy a good day where he feels good and not worry about when the next low will come and how hard it will hit. I understand that even with medication, we may not get to this point, but if we can just find a way to make it managable, to be able to cope.

I hate to say it but I am emotionally exhausted. I am in no way saying my love for him has waned or I want to leave, I love him so much I cant stand it really. But it is draining to not know what mood someone will be in when you get home. I hate having to fight for attention against his distractions. I worry about being hurt. I want stability. I eventually want to start a family but I am worried to because of all the highs and lows. And for all these reasons I feel so selfish. I really dont mean to be I love him more than this world, but some days it is so hard to be positive, to hold things together. I just hope that by this forum I can gain better insight. And I hope and I pray that treatment will help. In some ways I am wondering why I wrote this. I feel guilty because all of this is dark and deep. Its private and in some ways embarassing. It was hard to write. I cried at parts, my hands shook out of anger, my stomach turned and I smiled at some wonderful memories. Maybe this wasnt my story to tell, but in some way I feel better getting this out. Typing it all out to people I dont know. I just want to understand, to become a better wife and friend to my husband that deserves the world.

I wish the best to all of you.

Hello. I am a 54 year old male from Canada. I have suffered from mood disorders most of my adult life. I used to think that my illness was triggered by a major life event when I was 24, but now I'm not so sure. I have never been married or had a family. Since the event in 1982, I have lost several jobs, moved frequently and have had no sex life to speak of. When I'm down, I will go out and buy things on credit. This has resulted in my declaring personal bankruptcy on two separate occasions. In early 2006, I hit rock bottom. I considered suicide and even had a workable plan. I reached out to the mental health crisis team in the city I was living in and was referred to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and prescribed anti-depressants. Things improved but never got back to normal. Then in May, 2009, I had another major depressive episode. Since then, I have been unable to hold a job. I am surviving on social assistance and my accommodations and food are supplemented. I finally decided I needed to know what the heck was wrong. I had a 90 minute psych consult with a doctor who informed me that I was, in all likelihood, suffering from a form of bipolar disorder. Since that revelation, I have been doing some research and have discovered that my symptoms and life experience correspond closely with cyclothymia. I have a follow-up with my GP in early March. I will discuss this with him and hear his suggestions as to medications and treatment. Thank you.

Hi All

At times have felt or been described as:
depressed, "highly strung" anxious, phobic, had panic attacks, irritable, highly sexual. lethargic, apathetic, over sensitive, alcohol issues, hate the world. feel hated by everyone, considered suicide, done some self harm things, get very passionate about issues, higher than usual or than other people, euphoria without psychosis, mild paranoia t times of stress, feelings of not coping, inability to cope, pmt or pms etc

Been on:
diazepam, beta blockers, sertraline, fluoxetine, mirtazapine, seroxat and herbal remedies.

Been diagnosed as:
"nothing wrong with me at all", "just an unhappy miserable person", "possible SAD", "stressed", "anxious", GAD, "at most only a little mild depression at times", "moderate depression" (while medicated), "emotionally instability - not bad enough to be Borderline/Emotional Instability Personality Disorder, "mood instability" and "mood instability not bad enough to be bipolar", "in the spectrum between emotional instability and mood instability".

So I here I am ... in this bit of the forum ...... for now ...

I seem to have induced a cyclothymic, or cyclothymic-like, mood disorder. My moods now cycle regularly between a depression and a low-level euphoric state. The intensity of these moods has actually been decreasing recently, but the frequency of the cycles and their regularity remain the same.

The origin of this cyclic mood condition seems to be a limerent obsession I developed about 4 years ago. I have suffered from intense, unbidden limerent obsessions for two contiguous decades, though the object of my attention has changed many times over those years.

My most recent obsession was intense, bordering on psychotic, and the associated emotions, both depressive and euphoric, were extreme. The limerent obsessions are OCD-based (with a few other pathologies that give my obsessions a unique flavor) and at first are fueled by ruminative thoughts about the object of affection, centering on my uncertainty of her feelings. "She loves me; she loves me not," is a cliché, but it accurately, albeit simply, describes the ruminations of the limerent subject. These thoughts produce oscillating feelings of euphoria (she loves me!) and despair (or not), until eventually -- apparently -- this affective cycle became self-sustaining in my head. Instead of the thoughts acting as the impetus for the emotions, the emotions now vacillate independent of the thoughts. The same invalidating thought which has so much "bite" when I feel depressed, completely loses its sting when I'm on the euphoric hump of the sinusoid.

I find these cycling emotions to be a double-edged sword. On one hand, regularly feeling an undeserved euphoria is a godsend for someone who's spent his entire life battling depression and dysthymia. On the other hand, the knowledge that positive moods are inexorably replaced with depressive ones is itself depressive, as is the impotence and exhaustion one feels when one's emotions seem completely outside their command.

I don't expect to contribute much to this quiet part of the forum but I wanted to write this anyway. Good luck to everyone who struggles with this condition.

I seem to have a cor-morbid diagnosis, great lol. With a cyclothymia-like condition being one of the diagnosis.

It all started when I was younger. I used to spend hours daydreaming with a lot of intense pressure in my head during these daydreams. I have spent 20-30 percent of my entire life daydreaming in this manner.

Through periods of depression and using nicotine patches for flashbacks based on a tramatic event, my issues have gotten worse.

Now I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, a form of ocd more pure ocd and most likely also have a cyclothymic-like condition.

Having major marriage issues as well as issues validating other's feelings, emotions, and opinions. I drink at night to numb a lot and I am exploring my "highs" and "lows" by coming here. Looking for advice and guidance.

My name is Angel. I am an alter for a girl who has DID. My sister (also an alter in here) has known for a long time that I had some kind of mood disorder, but I wasn't diagnosed with it until late August 2013. That summer, I had a hypomanic episode that was more intense than it usually is for me. I nearly crashed a car in the mother of all rainstorms because I refused to pull over (even though I had never driven in rain at all), I broke a tape dispenser and sliced up my hands trying to put it back together, and I drove around for hours at two in the morning because I couldn't stand to be at the school. I was a mess, and I was then finally diagnosed with cyclothymia. It was difficult accepting it, and I've left out a lot of details. That's my story, though. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have a problem, and the other alters help me through it as I need it.

Hi,

So grateful for this board and your stories. Such a sigh of relief. Wish I had found earlier.Thank you all!

I'm 31 and diagnosed myself with cyclothymia about 9 months ago. My doctor, who is very nice and known me for a long time, agreed after all my terrible experiences with SSRIs. I just read about it on the internet after looking up PMDD.

My parents think I don't have anything and think I am just 'self-destructive' and could stop if I wanted to. I think they see me when I am manic and think 'why can't she always be this way?" lol. I get a lot done, but I also commit to a thousand things that I cannot follow through with. They think what is wrong with me is that I don't finish things, but it's really that when I am manic, I think I am bigger than I am, and I imagine that the distance between A and B is a lot shorter than it is in real life. I like to help people, so when I am manic, I tell people I can help them in bigger ways than I actually have the time or energy or ability to do. I find that people really like manic me -- she is charismatic, persuasive, confident and charming. So it's a hard thing to let go of, but I know I can be those things in a less dangerous way and I enjoy that. It took me a while -- for the first 6months, I was afraid of feeling too good -- I would worry that I was getting manic. Now I know a little bit better what to be careful of and can enjoy feeling really good without worrying. Usually, it's that feeling of pushing myself that I watch for.

I am creative, sensitive and very intuitive -- these are the positives of cyclothymia, I believe it's important to mention them because they are there. We are special. One of my best therapists was cyclothmic and told me because she saw me when she was manic and she went wild diagnosing me with like a thousand things in 45 minutes. I could tell she was off, but couldn't figure out what was going on. When I showed up for the next appt, she told me what happened and apologized. I didn't know I had it then, but I forgave her of course.

I do not see this as something separate from me, but part of who I am that I am just beginning to learn. It could be embarrassing, it could make mean people think less of me, but the reality is that everyone has got issues.

I also have to be very careful after ovulation. I have to be careful what I eat, when I go to sleep, when I wake up, etc. And it's sort of a big deal to tell people I am dating, but I am careful to chose guys who are steady and aren't phobic of mental interesting-ness! They are out there!

No meds right now except xanax prn, but might try lamictal. Need to read more of the meds board.
xoxo

Hi, I'm a guy in my 20's, and I'm pretty sure I have cyclothymia, although I have not been diagnosed.
It started when I was 12 where I almost failed 8th grade because I decided I did not care about anything. Before and after that I was a good student, even excellent. I later went to college and dropped out in my first year for the same reason...almost. Since I was 12, I have been analyzing things nonstop as I am a highly ranked chess player, but more importantly it was to deduce the workings of the world and my mind in general. Cyclothymia is just too tricky though, and so I'm here. I have discovered that luck exists, it's a real thing that is quantifiable and directly usable. When I'm hypomanic I usually have extremely good luck, then I have very bad luck on my down episodes. I used to get way down, but now I pretty much just shut down and abstain from most all activities to avoid the chaos of depressive episodes. Using my luck, I've had a lot of success in chess and poker, but there is also the variable of mental performance which varies greatly depending on my mood. I'm planning to go back to college now, trying to rebuild my connections with my family, all in order to stabilize my moods. I'm just wondering to what extent this is possible, and how I can better handle depressive episode where my productivity drops to about zero. I've never done drugs, and I don't drink or smoke. I've never been in a relationship despite my looks, because I just feel that I'm unstable, and I'm always planning to move away. The problem is that my mental performance is so important in my line of work, and it is heavily affected by my mood. For this, I've considered becoming a farmer, but it seems rather drastic don't you think? I like the idea of having a simple stable life, but it would be such a waste because I can assure you I have a lot of potential. Not only do I possess a powerful mind, but powerful luck. What I want most in life is stability, excitement, achievement, and love.