Feel like I'm losing myself...

My mind races around so much...and my mood changes so much, so quickly, that I don't even know what the hell I'm feeling quite a lot of the time. I think I have cyclothymia. I am going to try and get a diagnosis soon, and perhaps even try to get appropriate meds if I can find one that I might deem as such, because my mind just won't stop going crazy. It gets to the point where I can't read books, can't pay attention in class, etc. And it's really hard to socialize. A lot of people think I'm awkward. I don't really care, because if they're automatically going to judge me as being "awkward" before considering whether or not that there JUST MIGHT be a cause, then I'm better off anyways. In a strange way, I guess cyclothymia or whatever it is I am might be a good people/asshole filter.

If you haven't guessed already, I've just about diagnosed myself. Nope, haven't seen a doctor yet. I do think that I've displayed some hypochondriac tendencies in the past...the most frightened I ever have been in my life was for a brief period where I freaked myself out, thinking I had a brain tumor. All because...my ear was ringing in a very high-pitched way. Not much else. I realized why that was ridiculous the next day, but then about a week later I had a headache. There ya go, started all over again. It transitioned to skin cancer and all sorts of wonderful crap like that.

So, safe to say, it's pretty hard to deny that some symptoms of hypochondria match up with my past just a little bit. (Kind of funny that I would say that, if you can imagine how. "I think I'm a hypochondriac!" Classic.) And the first time I thought I had bipolar disorder it was a little bit irrational (it was mostly only because of how the symptoms of hypomania matched up with me, which was all I was looking at...when I read about hypomania I got FREAKED). I then started to deny it and think that I had hypomania only. I do think I'm bipolar/cyclothymic now, HOWEVER...it is not accompanied by anxiety or anything that hypochondria describes. This time, it's actually a little reasonable.

How? I admit, once again, I haven't seen a doctor. But do I really even have to? Granted, most people would say yes and assume I'm just an idiot or something, but by golly, I'll be damned if bipolar disorder doesn't describe me like a rap sheet.

Let's see...for about a year now, and perhaps with some previews in all my life prior, I experienced a profoundly strange, profoundly...profound state of being. It was as if, suddenly, I was ridiculously euphoric, ridiculously confident (to the point where I told my life story in the first day of class in the spring quarter, to about 50 people, ON CAMERA no less, without even thinking about it) and just about everything I ever tried to do was very easy. It made me very creative and I could tell just from the looks on people's faces that I was definitely scoring some charisma points with my confidence. I couldn't fall asleep to save my life though. But the weird thing is, I didn't need it. At all. If I did manage to sleep, it was for about 2 or 3 hours. And then when I woke up I wasn't tired anymore. It wasn't normal. I couldn't figure it out. But I was so happy that I didn't care; I figured I'd enjoy the blessing. Is it really insomnia if you don't even need the sleep? There were times where I'd go 40+ hours without feeling tired at all, and the entire time I'd be exactly as this entire paragraph describes.

I don't know how I came across a page that detailed hypomania, but when I saw it, damn did it make a hell of a lot of sense. It was a one in a million chance that I would find it, but I did. I don't remember how it happened...but man, if only someone with a camera timed a snapshot perfectly on that one.

Unfortunately, as much as I wanted to believe otherwise, that wasn't how I always felt. There were times where I couldn't stay AWAKE for longer than eight hours. When I was awake, I was just completely dead inside. As if the unimaginably, insurmountable, superhuman energy I fell in love with had just been ripped out me along with NORMAL human energy. Why? Nothing changed at all! My life was good. (It still is.) What did I have to feel depressed about? I tried everything from drinking tea, to good music, to attempting to prove to myself that I was still ridiculously confident and euphoric for no apparent reason. But nope - I wouldn't feel better no matter what my willpower desired. The words that previously would flow right out of my mouth, BEFORE I EVEN THOUGHT OF THEM, took me forever (if even) to come up with. Good God...people who see me regularly must think I'm insane or something.

This is pretty much what I go through regularly. I never stay in one state for longer than a week, it seems like. Sometimes I think I'm starting to get high again, but then I find myself feeling down...or worse...anxiety. Sometimes I can't even TELL what I'm feeling. But, I never stay hypomanic, depressed, normal, mixed, or whatever for two weeks. I never have, and yet the symptoms are undeniable. If it weren't for the fact that I never experienced "major episodes" of two weeks or whatever, bipolar II disorder made perfect sense.

So...basically...my point to all this comes down to this. I almost feel like I can't even trust myself at this point. I can't trust what I'm feeling because I don't even know what it is a lot of the time. Would I be mistaken to say that bipolars are generally very uninhibited people? I know I sure as hell am. For a while I was trying to figure out why I couldn't tell what the average cultured person would find "awkward". Maybe just the slightest sense of skepticism. I find it takes a LOT of skill to pay attention to that voice of reason when I consider whether or not I should say or do something...which I find to be merely the slighest whisper. This generally applies to the hypomania stage, but quite often at any other.

..I guess I told a lot of my friends that I think I'm bipolar. I really should not have done that. I've always been a person who, when I have something wrong with me, or just anything on my mind, I tell someone. Quite often to the point where I end up regretting it, because it seems most people are too concerned about themselves to give a $#%^ about my problems. Honestly, I wouldn't mind if people shared theirs - in fact, I would love the hell out of it. But I guess it's not what "culture" is. Sad, but true. Anyways, I digress.

My friend went off on me yesterday, saying, "It's not right to tell diagnose yourself with such a serious disorder if you haven't seen a doctor. It's even dangerous!" We actually didn't quite have time for my rebuttal, (I'm beginning to question whether or not I even care for this person anymore,) but am I REALLY all that insane to say that I MIGHT have bipolar disorder (or cyclothymia, whatever) when the symptoms match up with my personality so well? I mean...come on, a lot of doctors really suck out there. And I'm going to see one anyway. I always did say "might" or "suspect" or some such word that indicates that I at least acknowledge that I haven't seen a doctor. I mean, I'm not an idiot. I'm capable of critical thinking and I can read up on bipolar disorder based on the information that's available. I might believe strongly that I have it, but I still always acknowledged that I haven't seen a doctor yet and I tried to make it clear that the door's open.

And, like I said, I will be seeing a professional soon.

Thoughts think of things and connections and there are puns involved hey i am puntificating ha ha i was window shopping hank williams junior song cause my window was egged i want a paneless window one with no pane ha ha no really if i dont well maybe i will have to repaint that wall because there is so much water damage where the window is oh the vintage window has so much character window shopping window shopping thats track three or maybe seven hmmm three plus seven makes ten what are the words oh who ######6 cares look truman is putting his leg up high to pee i think he must be trying to seem like hes bigger step on a crack and break your mothers back step on a line break your fathers spine seventy five seventy six oh my god what is going on have i been counting this whole time what or maybe i wasnt i can count on that i can see clearly now the rain is gone i can see all the obsticles in my world i can smell all the obsticles in my mind i am epileptic i can smell what i hear and see what i think see what i mean come on truman the leash is around your leg wait has it been around your leg this whole time..............................?

That is what it felt like yesterday. I can find my mind, I lost it.
When my thoughts think thoughts and make connections before I can even think or articulate them, it is just too much.
I used to say I was bipolar lite. Manic and not so manic, is searching my soul, changing the words to Hendrix's Manic Depression while I was still in high school.
My counselor agreed that I have cyclothymia. I was sooooooo relieved to hear someone know what I was talking about.
Please know that there are others out there who know what you mean.
That overconfidence thing? I know it all too well. I call it a good hair day. And I think I am so %$^((^^^ funny for thinking of that.
I would love to have a cyclotymic convention where we could go to different stations, the karaoke, the life story, the one woman show, the pool tables, darts and dance floor.
It would be too much, just like our thoughts tend to be.
I don't need to sleep, I don't need to eat, I don't need to shower, but I do need to quiet my mind.
I have epilepsy...the connection between the two is amazing. I am amazing heee heeee.

Don't feel like you're alone (either/both of you) because I go through similar feelings like this from time to time. The whole thing about telling other people stuff, I do the same thing if I'm feeling hypomanic. When I am not hypomanic (whatever other state of mind a psychiatrically-diagnosed cyclothymic person would feel) I feel like telling people nothing. I also seem to care about what people think about my behavior, how to act "appropriately", and what other people are thinking when I do something. So I guess you're lucky, guest.

Oh yeah, and the whole thing about the mind racing through different thoughts that don't seem related, melodie? I thought of that as ADD symptoms that I suffer from. Maybe cyclothymic people have ADD as well!

All in all, I think you should definitely get a formal diagnosis. I find that I am feeling better (in a sense) after my recent diagnosis (3 days ago by a psychiatrist). I went in suspecting I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder but the shrink shot me down. Though she did compromise and gave me my cyclothymia Oh, btw, I have a TON of recent published research articles concluding how people with cyclothymia (or BP I/II) share a lot of similar symptoms with BPD people. The recommendation for clinicians, however, is to diagnose patients with cyclothymia/BP when in doubt (even though it's a DSM axis I).

I was (and still am) a pre-med working in the industry and I studied neuroscience at a prestigious university. I feel your hypochondriasis pain (sometimes pleasure even).

Damn I know I'm nearly 17 years late to this thread and so no one will read this but I also have many of the same symptoms. I had hypothermia after using weed for a while, with smaller worrying about cancer and dying and then really bad anxiety about getting schizophrenia that really debilitated me. I've found that a lot of anxiety/hypochondria stemmed from things that I would do, for example and this sounds psychotic writing it out but I used to feel like I was able just by looking at someones face to feel exactly how they felt, and the things they were going through. It started off as just a kinda ego boost when I was younger, that I was able to almost read into people but then I became obsessed with fame and would begin doing it if I was watching an interview with a very good artist or musician, in the hopes that by maybe 'feeling' their 'energy' from looking at their face, I could get the same artistic power I guess (to be able to write good songs or be able to access the ability to write one of the greatest books).
This backfired on me when I came across a video of someone with schizophrenia, and while watching I just had the thought 'what if I "read his energy" and develop schizophrenia too. I was unable to stop myself from '"reading his energy" and spent Year 13 at school constantly worrying if I was seeing things, scared I would hear a voice. The more I researched into schizophrenia to make myself less worried and to prove to myself that it was just anxiety, the more my mind would grab things I read and I would worry I was going to get it. Eventually I hated the weekends because that was when it would strike most, but eventually I began to get it during school, and eventually everyday. I then began praying to God to not let me get it, and I would suddenly feel better for a while. Eventually after praying to God enough times, I began to instead start basically relying on getting A*s in all my subjects. This made me feel completely better and I decided to retake my exams the year after, but I obviously procrastinated as I usually do and despite feeling really good during the summer I then began to get anxious again as the next year started.
This coupled with breaking up with my girlfriend made me really bad, I then prayed to God to let me get a bunch of bad stuff if I ever bought a pack of cigarettes again (as I was pretty addicted) and I felt like I wasn't even enjoying them anymore. I obviously bought another pack, and now I'm still smoking regularly everyday. The anxiety is terrible, I feel like I'm losing parts of myself, that bad things are happening, that I'm going to literally die every night. I've tried praying to God again to make me feel better, but I don't feel the same calm as I did the year before. It's just agony and I don't know what to do. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember even as a child, and I've began contemplating about why I'm like this. Why I have to constantly have to have a goal to look forward to in order to feel okay, why I'm never able to actually fulfill the goal, why this cycle keeps repeating. I'm a legal adult now and I'm not going to have the security of being in school, I pretty much now have complete freedom to do what I want and I don't know what to do.
But yeah, if anyone actually did find this random 2000s forum and scrolled down to read this comment, thanks for reading. I wonder what's wrong with me