Seeking a sense of belonging!

Hi, I am 27 years old, married with a 5 year old child.
Last year after experiencing a particularly intense crashing feeling, I visited the doctor and explained how I felt. He diagnosed me with Cyclothymia.

I was relieved at receiving a diagnosis for how I was feeling, and that I wasn't just going mad, but had never heard of this disorder before and so relied on what pitiful information is on the net to find out more about it.

In a space of about 2 months of me getting diagnosed everytime I was on a high I would push myself even further than normal, putting myself in dangerous situations, making bad decisions and blaming it all on my diagnosis.
When I told my mum about my diagnosis, she cried. Not from shame, like I thought she would, but from relief that there was finally a reason why I acted so crazy!

For me, it isn't the lows that are particularly bad, although they are not in any way enjoyable. It is the highs and the positions that I put myself in that are dangerous, which then of course add to the feelings of worthlessness when I am on a low.

Last year it came to a head when I found out I was pregnant. I stopped drinking and found that had a huge effect on my mental health. I then miscarried, but still did not drink as I wanted to help my head rather than hinder it, I then fell pregnant again, and lost that one also, and still did not drink.
I was able to go out and have a good time within this time, but not drink.
But as soon as the nice weather and summer vibe hit this year, I felt that familiar buzz. I NEEDED to go out and drink to have a good time.
So last weekend I went out, got drunk, acted inappropriately, and carried on the buzzy feeling for a couple of days, until I crashed.

Now I am still on a low, and have made an appointment to see my doctor again.
I was not put on any medication before because I was trying for a baby, but I have got to the point now where I feel that if I don't get some help I'm going to be yo-yoing for the rest of my life.
I thought that by stopping drinking these feelings of instablilty would disappear, but I now realise that this is not the case, that this isn't going to go away and that I am risking my happiness and health by not doing something about it.

I don't know anything about medication and there is no support in my area really, only help for people with Bi-polar, and as I am nowhere near as bad as these people I feel as though I don't really belong.
I also do not want to fall into the sterotype of someone with mental health problems, although I am very aware (at the momnet whilst on a low!) that I am not "normal", the thought of taking medication seems quite extreme. I have tried counselling, but did not find it that useful.

I guess what I'm looking for is just to know that I'm not the only one out three feeling like this, that other people feel like me, and to get some advice on meds etc.
My counsellor had never even heard of this disorder and so was as useful as a choc teapot, not only that but it added to my feelings of being a freak!!!

Thanks in advance.
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Hi dancing peanut!! Welcome to the forum! Iʻm pretty new here myself! Iʻve been searching for more people who have cyclothymia. In the spectrum of bipolar disorders, we are at the mild end but it is never the less debilitating and destructive to our self-esteem and our families. I can relate to and connect with everything youʻve shared about yourself. If you think back, you probably began to show cyclothymic symptoms without realizing it in your early twenties. Iʻve lived, going undetected, with this condition all my life... since my early twenties until now... Iʻm 43 years old. The way I found out I had a disorder was through taking this smoking cessation drug last summer called Chantix. It became this miracle drug for a short season... I was ʻloving life," on time" with ease (which I struggled with all my life), had no appetite, couldnʻt sleep, mind racing, creative spurts of genius... the music and lyrics were flowing effortlessly out of me! I wanted to know how I could stay this way forever! I first saw a GP, like you, who knew very little about cyclothymia and gave me very little information on this new label plastered on my forehead that was embarrassing on the one hand, but a relief on the other because it explained some of my bizarre behavior and crazy spooky mood swings. He gave me a prescription for prozac and sent me on my way... fortunately, in this hypomanic state that I was living in for two months in the summer, I became quite the cyberchondriac and, like you, wanted to learn all that I could about this label: "cyclothymia." I found out that the GP could have really messed me up by giving me an SSRI, which is an anti-depressant, without a mood stabilizer, like lithium. I would have continued to spin my manic wheels until I cracked, Iʻm sure of it! Finding a psych doc was the greatest blessing for me! Donʻt be afraid of the medication (though some people will and may disagree with me) just sharing from my own personal experience... my meds have revolutionized my life!! My husband will testify to THAT!! I am more balanced, responsible, "present" and far less emotionally explosive than I used to be. The meds havenʻt turned me into a zombie, though every person has a different reaction and experience. Just a few things I wanted to share that my psych doc shared with me... the reason youʻve struggled with alcohol all your life ( I did, too!) is because thatʻs how youʻve self medicated. There is lithium in alcohol, especially tequila (Patron being my personal favorite : )... people who suffer from cyclothymia are low in lithium in our bodies, so at the end of a day when youʻve been working, expending energy, and are most likely in a manic state (if I was in a depressive state, I would literally down a whole pot of coffee and smoke cigarettes til I got to work!) yikes!! at the end of the day,... all you want to do is slow your brain down, relax, take a breather... these are honest to goodness bio chemical reactions that youʻve been experiencing because youʻre lithium depleted. Your blood tests will verify this. Cigarettes and illegal cigarettes were my other ways to self-medicate, and I felt like such a failure because I could never completely break the chains of addiction. There were soo many reasons I felt like a failure... morally for some of the risky behaviors I chose knowing better, but choosing to do things, even breaking the law and getting caught, in my adult life! I havenʻt managed money well, EVER! Shopping sprees were a real and habitual part of my lifestyle. The ready teller machine was like a slot machine, didnʻt know if Iʻd hit a jackpot, get lucky and money would come out of the dispenser, or not! Irritability, anger, rage... these were my "demons" that overwhelmed me constantly... especially "mid cyle" my husband and I call these "days 13 and 14." On day 13, the irritability and b#@$iness start to increase. By the ever dreaded day 14... Iʻm absolutely not fit to be with people! Found out thereʻs a medical term for this one, too! And itʻs not PMDD... thereʻs a third type called premenstrual magnification. When we ovulate, women with mood/personality disorders tend to experience a magnification of our symptoms! Iʻm still experimenting to find what will help best for that time. Whisk me away to a hotel baby and let me get massages, acupuncture, a fruity umbrella drink poolside, rent movies all day and take romantic walks on the beach! (and mom needs to watch my boys... theyʻre 4 and 7) Baaaahaaa! Went on Lutera for a month thinking that a birth control pill would eliminate the whole ovulation process... but I gained 15 pounds in one month. I learned that our condition has a positive side, as well! People with cyclothymia tend to be extremely empathetic, we can get a crowd in a stadium on their feet cheering with all their might! We are highly creative and gifted in various arts, we are deep thinkers, quite articulate and are excellent writers. The key is to recognize our strengths, and learn to manage, cope, and live with the symptoms of our disorder. The combination of medications that work well for me are lithium carbonate (I take one in the morning, one in the afternoon, and 2 at night; Wellbutrin aka Bupropion - 1 in the am and 1 in the afternoon, half a tablet of alprazolam aka xanax morning, noon and night, and 2 lamictal 100mg per one in the morning, one at night. This might be helpful to share with your psych doc once you get one...there are many combinations of meds that work for people - this is just whatʻs working for me! I just added lamictal to my "med cocktail" and I really like it!" It helps with my moods, I feel more positive and upbeat, and my thoughts slow down at night so the need to self-medicate is virtually gone! I still feel "urges", but I have a fighting chance now to live a normal life. I wouldnʻt trust your treatment to a general practitioner!! Find a professional who knows a great deal about our disorder. One last thing I wanted to share with you, I feel like I was robbed of twenty three years of living a healthy, productive, drug free, self-esteem enhancing life... at least now I can turn the tide and live free of the behaviors that were so crippling emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. As for you, dancing peanut... youʻre so fortunate that youʻve detected it and been diagnosed in your mid twenties... what I wouldnʻt give for that chance!!! If I may be so bold, include your husband in EVERYTHING because he needs to go through this journey with you. He needs to be incredibly understanding, and develop strategies to help you through the fire and the rain : ) I saved two particular websites that I found helpful for me: http://www.minddisorders.com "cyclothymic disorder" and http://www.corexcel.com "family support: Advice you can give to help family members living with cyclothymic individuals. So to end this mini novel... know that youʻre definitely not alone!!! Our disorder affects one percent of the population... Earnest Hemingway, Michelangelo... itʻs a comfort for me, too... to feel a sense of belonging and find others who are struggling with our particular condition. Wonderful to" meet you"... albeit via cyberspace! Once again, welcome!

Hey, thank you for your reply. It is such a relief to know that there are real people out there that feel the same as me,
and that I'm not as weird as I feel I am. Or that on the other hand that this isn't normal and I shouldn't feel like this.
I will certainly go to the doctors and ask for a referral to a psych doc, hopefully that will get me somewhere. I do not want to find myself in the same position I did with the counsellor I got referred to, where she didn't have a clue what it was, so I ended up educating her on the matter she was supposed to be helping me with!!! In fact, the sessions just resulted in her telling me that I have had a tough start in life (hasn't everyone) and not actually touching on the fact that I am struggling with the present, not the past, and was looking for coping mechanisms without having to take medication.
I guess my main worries about meds are: Weight gain (I am young(ish!) and shallow, I do not want to get big!!!)
The "Zombie" state you mentioned. My close family and one friend are aware of this condition and I do not want to alert other people that there is anything wrong with me by being in a drugged up state the whole time.
I am also a bit scared of being part of the whole mental health scene, being labelled as having a mental health issue. I am fully aware that by not being open with everyone I know that this is only adding to the stigma of having a mental health issue, but I can't help how I feel. I do not want to be labelled a fruit loop!!! Or even have people thinking that I am not capable of looking after my daughter.
I did start to do a mood diary but gave it up, I felt that I was almost labelling myself bydoing it, and putting pressure on myself to be able to pinpoint my moods, reading too much into them.
I have to admit, I do find it hard to open up to my husband about this. I am quite a closed off person emotionally anyway, and if my husband mentions something, like "You're taking way too much care in your appearance at the moment" instead of saying, "Yeah, I'm on a high, bear with me," I say "No I'm not, don't be stupid!" and get all defensive!!! I guess the irritability is all part and parcel of it, but it's like this is MY thing and if he encroaches on it then I'll have to bare my soul.
When I am on a high and drink I act VERY inappropriately, and promiscuously, and I don't think my husband is aware of just how bad I can get. That's the main reason why I stopped drinking, because I knew I was heading on a one way route to destruction.
I have memories inside my head that I will never ever tell another soul because I am so ashamed of my actions, and they never would have happened if I hadn't been drinking and on a high, that's why I know I need help.
And thankyou soooo much for your little pick me up on how this curse is also a blessing!!! I do love it sometimes, and know I would not be the person I am without it.
I will certainly have a look at those websites and let you know how my meeting with my doc goes next week.
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Hey dancing peanut!!
I'm sooo stoked that some of what I shared with you is helpful! I know exactly how you're feeling. The vanity thing... Girl, keep your body as gorgeous as you've got it cuz after fourty... It's a flippin' uphill struggle! But your husband's going to still be so deeply in love with you that those extra fourty pounds won't matter! Baaahaa!! (so he tells me, and I tell myself)... Plan to dust that treadmill off and actually do something like eat right and exercise!) I didn't experience any weight gain with the medication... You're young and conscientious! Keep your active lifestyle up and eat healthy. I believe for many, certain meds increase appetite, especially carb cravings... Just monitor yourself closely and let your pdoc know that weight gain is a huge concern of yours. Just like you, I've only told my close family and closest friends about my disorder. That stigma and the ignorance that accompanies it are real. But educating the people closest to you, who are, and will continue to be your support network because they know and love you unconditionally...they're all that matter. The rest don't need to know! But for your own spirit and peace of mind... I remember that very same goliath that you wrestle with ...if I keep a mood journal, then I'm owning and acknowledging that I have this "mental illness!!" ouch!! The first time I wrote an email to my peeps that I was going to meet with a "psychiatrist"... My fingers had a hard time typing that noun!! It was an acceptance that something's wrong with me! I'm sick... In the head! Mental illness? Me? Seriously? White cushy walls, men in white coats coming with a strait jacket for me?? Holy crap!! ... I felt ashamed, just
like you! It is devastating! I get you!! I've been there!! But here's something that's helped me come to grips with this whole "mental health" issue... Your perspective means everything! If you claim the word "illness" then you're not "well", if
you choose to see cyclothymia and all manic depressive conditions as "conditions" then you accept the reality that genetic factors and bio chemical deficiencies are the reasons why. This made a huge difference in how I thought about
cyclothymia... And myself. Case in point... You were beautifully open and authentic about your alcohol high moments!!! Sister girl, let me tell you... I lived that very same life in my twenties and well into my thirties! So high and drunk that I
would black out and have no memory of huge chunks of the night! And promiscuity?... Dang!!! Combine the alcohol and one night stands... You know you need help when you wake up and your panties are on backwards and you have no clue
as to how that happened!!! Ugh!! The promiscuity and alcohol/drug use are classic symptoms on the cyclothymic profile. I always thought I was incapable of having a moral compass or any self-control, so these behaviors did a number on what I
believed about myself! I have noticed that, with the medication, those issues became "non issues"... So if I could turn back time, I would wish that I knew I had this condition and got treatment. And about your hubby, letting him "in" to this
huge part of your life that you're discovering will be a really beautiful thing! Though it feels like such a risk, the intimacy you will build by letting him in will be so precious to him. You are his beauty, his Queen, how can he come through for
you if he's in the dark? My husband literally was shocked at first to really hear my "story", and he was actually relieved to know that my irritability/rage, 3 beers nightly, and nicotine and cannabis addictions had a medical condition and cause
connected to them, and he has the knowledge to know when I'm being manic but I can't see myself: "Baby, it's 2am... Turn the computer off and come to bed." He lit candles and picked his guitar until my brain could relax and I fell sleep.
If he had no clue, he would just think I was neurotic and distant. So let me know how your appointment goes with your psychiatrist (hahaha!) mine gave me a test to take home, took 2-3 hours to complete, but the graph that came back was
pretty telling. Omg! One more thing I noticed, parenting can be difficult for people with cyclothymia! I always wondered why those "natural maternal instincts" didn't come easily to me. I admit, to my shame, to moments of being so self
absorbed or unaware that my husband did way more of the caregiving than I did. Now with meds, I feel so "present" in my boys' lives. Maybe you haven't struggled in this area, but just in case you have or do, you're a great mom! There's just this
condition to manage and you'll be even better!! Strength and courage, dancing peanut!! Sending you love and light!

So I went to the g.p. yesterday for my appointment, told him that I am struggling again, and he just fobbed me off, basically saying that how I am feeling is normal, and to just get on with it!!! He is the one that diagnosed me with Cyclothymia for god's sake!!!
It's just made me feel low again, I feel like I'm going crazy....am I making something out of nothing?? Do I really feel that bad?? Does everyone else in the world feel like this and I'm the only one that finds it hard to deal with?? I feel like a yo yo most of the time, ridiculously high then crushing lows, surely that is not normal....my friend says that she does have days when she feels like it but not to the extreme of how I feel, so is it just that I'm looking into it too much??
My husband said he wants me to talk to him more about how I'm feeling so that he can help me, so I treid to tell him about this forum and how mice it was that I had found people that were feeling the same as me, and how it made me feel like I'm not crazy, and his response was there is nothing wrong with me, and I should just stop thinking about it....so are he and my doctor right and it is just me that's blown all this out of proportion???
I feel like I'm going insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Just do one thing for yourself... See a psychiatrist, one who is well acquainted with all forms of bipolar. Don't rely on the general practitioner. At least you'll get a professionals point of view and then move on... Either way, knowing you're just fine, or there is a disorder that you have. Wishing you peace of mind : )

-- Mon Jun 20, 2011 12:03 pm --

Hi dancing peanut! I'm just thinking about you. Last thing I remember, your husband wanted to be assured that "you're just fine", and the guy who actually diagnosed you with cyclothymia was back pedaling on his original diagnoses. Are your mood swings still extreme? Are you still unmedicated to help balance you out and bring your symptoms under control as you manage them? Or have you stopped looking into the possiblity of a disorder because your husband doesn't want to hear anything other than "you're fine." ? That feels like you're sooo in between a rock and a hard place! But if you know deep within that something isn't quite right within your mind, heart, emotions, and moods... there is a whole new world waiting for us with cyclothymia, but until you see a reputable psychiatrist, you won't begin to feel the night and day difference in your quality of life as you face this biochemical condition head on, and have the courage to trust in a treatment plan that may make all the difference. Would love to hear back from you and hear how you're really doing