Help!

So, I don't really know whether I have cyclothymia or not but it seems very likely. I only realized the possibility yesterday after a huge breakdown involving me crying at the gym and having to leave.

I'm 20 years old, fit, healthy, reasonably intelligent but have noticed more and more, especially over the last two years that I seem to cycle between being incredibly creative, rash, talkative, energetic, and just lovable in general to depressed. I don't know if it's cyclothymia because these cycles are quite rapid. Five days ago I was so depressed I literally couldn't do anything until I dragged myself into the shower, weeped, and started lying down and falling asleep (must be some kind of womb thing) and considered just disappearing and heading to who knows where. The next two or three days I think I was what you would call hypomanic - limitless energy, extreme friendliness, I was very talkative, outgoing, the world became full of possibilites. Last night, like I said, I broke down at the gym for no apparent reason.

The thing is, I've grown so accustomed to this that I can almost feel myself becoming hypomanic or depressed. I can feel the transition and I even try to tell myself to snap out of it when the depression creeps in.

I've done some crazy things in my hypomanic stage, dropped all of my classes in university to pursue some crazy ambition (an artistic endeavor) but the thing is every time I'm hypomanic, it doesn't seem crazy at all, in fact I feel like I'm on the right path. I become incredibly productive and creative and at peace with the world. It feels like I'm on MDMA (though I've never tried it), the world becomes this beautiful place; people interest me, music sounds wonderful, I have so much I want to share. It's such a lovely feeling. When I'm depressed, I just tell myself that it will be over soon and the hypomania will kick back in. People love me when I'm hypomanic and I would love nothing more than to stay that way forever.

In high school I was a straight A student, valedictorian, over-achiever type. I was maintaining my A's early in my university career, but I found myself in a rut when I became depressed and no longer wanted to read or do anything for that matter. Then when I became hypomanic and was still unable to read because I was so focused on other pursuits. I'm hoping my hypomania didn't ruin my life (that would be kind of ironic).

I don't want to take any medication. At this point I'm hoping my artistic ambitions (they aren't completely unfounded btw) will come to fruition. Every time I'm hypomanic, I can't help but create. It's like the only reasonable thing to do. Then I become depressed and then it feels like every decision I've ever made in my life is a mistake.

In my hypomanic stage, I've helped friends through grieving, depression, and all sorts of problems, but avoided telling them about my dark side. Both stages occur at pretty much equal intervals.

Sorry, for all the verbal diarrhea, but I was just hoping someone out their can help me out. Put me on the right track even though it very well may not matter because a my mood changes my decisions just contradict. I just want some emotional stability, and success in my life like anyone else. Is their anyway to switch back to my manic stage (I've tried - it's very difficult but remembering the time when I was hypomanic may work). Writing it all down now, I feel like the depression is worth it, the price for having access to a happiness most other people do not and never will have. I feel like a creative job is the only way to go because of my lack of emotional stability.

One more thing: I've noticed that people tend to not like me when I'm depressed, this could just be me being pessimistic (you know, with being depressed and all). I isolate myself from others. And though I'm charming in my hypomanic stage, I have accidentally hurt others by going a little too far with my joking around.

Any advice you can give me? Anyone else in a similar situation? Advice for my hypomania? For my depression? I'm still quite young and have time to save myself. Anyone out there know anyone successful suffering from (I don't know if it's really suffering though) cyclothymia. Take the road less travelled and pursue my dreams, or bring myself back down to earth. I'm interested in hearing other peoples opinions and having someone with a greater knowledge of cyclothymia than I do help me out.

Hi! It could be possible for your cyclothymia to go from depression to hypomania rapidly or maybe it's something related to cyclothymia. I used to get depressed every few weeks, especially in the cold seasons, when I was going through a rough time.
Your problem might get worse. You feel like you have it under control now, but the stress of it all can get to you and the depression can worsen. You could ask a psych doctor and mention that you'd prefer to try something other than meds.

Hey, this sounded soooo much like me it is untrue!!!
I relish the highs, and wish I could stay like that forever:the sun shines brighter, the birds song is sweeter, everything I touch turns to gold.....until it goes a bit too far and the witticism's that were so funny a couple of days ago suddenly are cutting and cause offence, the get rich schemes that seemed so credible last week are now overpowering me and I feel swamped....until I crash so hard I want to cry all the time, I can barely peel myself off the sofa, my face is expressionless at best.
I also ride out the blues in anticipation of the highs, but unfortunately the highs are becoming more of a problem than the lows for me. I get myself into dangerous situations, any sense of logical decision making goes right out the window, I go on spending spree's that are quite difficult to get out of.
I have found that drinking only highlights the highs and the lows....extending my highs, and magnifying the lows. I have decided that I can no longer drink for my own sanity and to try to curb my wreckless behaviour when drunk. This also helps me in terms of not losing friends when drunk and on a high, as they find my behaviour unacceptable.
I know how addictive the highs can be, and it's no-one's place to tell you how to live your life, but when the highs (or the lows) start affecting your life in a negative way the it may be time to ask for help.
That is the stage I have only just got to a year after diagnosis.
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Hi Cantthinkofaname : )
Iʻm no expert or anything, but I have to agree with dancing peanut... your story has been her story, and my story, as well. Only difference is that I didnʻt find out I had cyclothymia until I was 43 years old. Some people suffer from a mild form of this "mild form" of bipolar... and "suffering" is an appropriate descriptor that I would use when I look back at the decades of my life when this disorder devastated my life without even knowing something was "wrong" with me... I just figured, "this is the way I am!" But I recognize how self-destructive I was, and how I caused those closest to me to suffer with my "creative temperament", the dramatic ups and downs that cycled, especially throughout college. Just like you... I love love love the hypomanic swing! And many people decide that they can live with the disorder without getting any treatment because they donʻt want to lose touch with that creative channel and flow for fear that medication would block or disconnect you from that wellspring of inspiration. I wrote a mini-novel to dancing peanut that might be helpful for you because youʻre seeking and you want to learn and decide how to proceed. Meds? or carry on as usual? ... either way you choose, at least youʻre aware that you have a disorder, there is no cure, but there are ways to manage the symptoms and cope with the drawbacks. Youʻre young! yay you!! You have the opportunity to learn all that you can, and weigh it out through the years. If youʻre happy without medication and the disorder isnʻt adversely affecting your life or your relationships, then at the very least... arrange to meet with a psychologist... a really great talk therapist who can teach you strategies when you feel the symptoms overwhelming you. Once you get a greater picture of the possible symptoms and you sense them becoming more and more severe, finding an excellent psychiatrist will truly be in your best interest : ) Hope this was helpful! Props to you that youʻre seeking out help and advice! Knowledge is power! Cliche, I know... but it kept popping into my head when I was exactly where you and dancing peanut are in the learning process. Itʻs empowering in the long run, and will serve you well as you face the challenges ahead... and overcome!