For the first time ever I wish I could be dead

Summary:
45 years old, male, 3 beautiful kids, well educated, dropped from my phd three months before the final defense, very ambitious, very emotional, great motivational person FOR OTHERS (ironic as you read my story), very popular, (my mentors and all who know me say I'm very charismatic and charming) AND recently been diagnosed for Cyclothymia.

Story:

Hello all. As a child I was very happy, i used to day dream a lot up until recently ( with less time spent recently). At the age of 17 My parents sent me to a boarding school overseas to finish my last two years of high school. ALL THE PROBLEMS STARTED THEN, from day one I was insecure, panicking, depressed and crying most of the time... the reason was (i think) because I was afraid of failing. However, my parents and others said because it is a different language and being home sick. The symptoms lasted the VAST majority of the two years. I would only feel happier on the week I'll be leaving for home which is once a term.

Anyway, fast forward, I finished two masters degrees. The issue which I want to point out is I always procrastinate, my studies and everything because it's like I'm running away OR don't feel like doing it. Then I panic when things are due.

My wife, who stood beside me for 20 years ( I got married when I was 25) says that I'm an extreemist, in the sense it's either White or Black. Either I work like hell or Not work at all. and I do agree with her.

For the past 18 years my life was horrible, very insecure, worried about the future, depressed. Most of the 18 years was $#%^. However, only one time in my life when I was doing my phd, I had a breakthrough for three months, where i was totally a PURE ENERGY. The mind clarity, motivation, self esteem, confidence was nothing I expreienced before and I achieved my my phd what i messed in 2 years doing barley nothing. Ever since, I've been living in the dilemma of How I Can Get That Feeling Again. for 18 years been thinking about it day and night, tried listening to motivational speakers again and again and again, with no success.

I have not been successful in anything in my life and that KILLS ME. All my friends have achieved something in their lives but I'm still at square on.

I feel ashamed of myself. I can't bear the feeling that my kids when they grow up they will be ashamed of me because of not succeeding in anything.

Recently I've hit rock bottom again, sever anxiety, sever depression, low esteem, no confidence, confused, it feels like $#%^. AND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I WISH I COULD BE DEAD (though no suicidal thoughts,,, just a wish)

Been diagnosed in the past for depression...Had many antidepressants with no effect but to restrain my brain. RECENTLY, about three weeks ago, a psych. diagnaosed me with Cyclothemia, I was happy for some one to have diagnose me differently. I take Lamictal, raised the dose for 25 twice daily and Lithium Orotate ( I read about it on the net). Since I raised the Lithium Orotate to 10mg twice daily, 20mg in total, I could say that 60% of my anxiety went away, but I'm still not motivated, have fear because I want to succeed but think it's too late for me. WHEN I KEEP REPEATING TO MYSELF MOTIVATIONAL THOUGHTS, I FEEL COMFORTABLE AND SOME LIGHT IN MY LIFE COMES ON, BUT SOON THAT WILL DISAPPEAR.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR TO ANY OF YOU OUT THERE. AM I DIAGNOSED CORRECTLY AT LAST. I AM SOOOO DESPERATE...LOVE TO ALL AND THANK YOU.