Weird form of mood cycling disorder

Hello everyone! I'm new to this forum. Unfortunately since i'm from Italy, my english is not exceptional, but I'll do my best. I hope you guys can give me some good hints of what's going on to me, since psychiatrists (at least the two who visited me) don't seem to help at all. Right now apart from the symptoms my condition is very frustrating and upsetting because i fell like "diagnosis-orphan". I know it might sound strange, but

I'll get to the point. February 2013 at the age of 23 I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. I had very difficult times and fell in major depression. Never experienced such an horrifying state, had no desire to live, had no emotions except sadness, felt guilty for everything with others, had no pleasure from the things i loved to do: infact I usually say that if there's a hell for every person, to me that would surely be major depression. I immediately saw a psychiatrist and began medications. My conditions actually improved, i learned (thanks to CBT) to cope effectively with my OCD and started enjoying myself again. I even had the first girlfriend of my life the same year all this started! Although my OCD keep getting better something strange started happening to my mood and energy states: initially i didn't give too much attention about it, since i had more serious problems and i thought "okay, it's gonna go away probably or it's just my "sensitive" personality that gives too much weight on it". But that wasn't the case.

What's it's all about: i fell fluctuating between two states. In one of these (which i call the "OFF STATE") i feel like my thinking is slowed down, my way of speaking is fragmented and repetitive, i have problems interacting with others, i feel like people are making fun of me, I can get extremely shy and have like a "nihilist" isolation. I also feel a little bit sad usually, but i often think it's like a reaction to the state in which I find myself and not accepting it.
On the other hand when I'm in the "ON STATE" my thoughts are racing, my language is very fluent, I start talking a lot more and feel very confident talking also with people I don't know, My self-esteem and confidence fires up, i start socialising, planning things for the future, feel like being able to do things i'd normally never try to do... sometimes in its peaks i also feel like i want to irritate people and sometimes, although rarely, when my thoughts are are going too fast i have problems sleeping.

This alternation usually last days (sometimes even less!) and it really does't seem to be triggered by anything (a statement which one of the two psychiatrist, i don't know why, doesn't believe in..). I can have two days on the "ON state", switch to the off for three days and then again over and over. Something pretty weird is that my "OFF states" aren't centered on my sadness. I mean sadness is quite light and it's only a marginal part of what's going on. The thing that dominates my Off states is my slow thinking and my problem interacting with others (which my doctor adresses as "social anxiety"). Mood is less important. On the other hand i feel euphoric when I'm "ON".

My doctor doesn't think i'm bipolar or cyclothymic. He thinks I'm anxious but i do not meet the criteria for any tipe of diagnosis. As i said it is devastating for me to know science doesn't have an answer to what i have and feel. I'd like to try at least to know what i have and i'd be very grateful to you if you could tell me if you had a similar experience with others that can resemble in part my condition. Labels might sound superficial, but they are important to a person to make plans for the future and better deal with it. Thank you

j-ax90

I can't say I've had the same experiences as far as all the specific feelings you've had. But it's not unusual for psych doctors to not be able to diagnose people at first. For so many people, the first diagnosis isn't the last. Sometimes it takes two or three or more. And it takes a lot of time too.

I'm sorry, that surely doesn't sound reassuring at all. But more important than a diagnosis is whether you've found a treatment that works. If CBT is working, keep doing CBT. If that's not enough and you may need more therapy, more outside activity on nice days, or medication, these are things you have to discuss with your therapist and/or psychiatrist.

I understand the label is important to you. But I hope I've made the point that the label can be wrong. Unfortunately, it wouldn't be unusual at all for it to be wrong if it's the first one you got. So as soon as you get the label, or even if you don't get one, focus on what things are like for you now and how you want them to be so you can make a plan to get there.

Hello j-ax90,

I am from Italy as well. I have been diagnosed with OCD before and lately Cyclothymia. My mood fluctuates during the day, sometimes I'd feel excellent in the first half of the day, and after 15.00 usually gets really miserable. Still, some days I am able to function quite decently. I remember that 4-5 years ago (I'm 30 now) , I was in a situation that I recall was very similar to yours : bear in mind that I still hadn't seen a therapist at the time, so I was just trying to 'self-diagnose' the name of my 'illness'.
Well, I remember feeling the same frustration. I wanted someone to acknoweledge my suffering, and that only happened when I found a therapist that I respected. You might have to try different professionals until you find one that you trust enough. It's really a good thing that you have the possibility to do CBT, I'm sure that it will be very useful !

I was originally diagnosed with anxiety for years until I saw a really good psych who correctly diagnosed me. Makes sense as I have a family history of bipolar. Your symptoms sound exactly like mine. Try and get an opinion from another psych.