Cyclothymia - Do I Suffer From It?

I went to see a psychiatrist a few months back because I was beginning to notice some weird fluctuations in my moods. In all honesty, it had been coming on for a while but I had not recognised it as a problem before. I had been experiencing these shifts that came at the most unusual times and were long-lasting. The most concerning thing was that I could not, no matter how much I tried, think myself out of the frenzied state I would inevitably spiral into. My first trip to the psychiatrist was uneventful. He had me sit down and talk about what issues were bothering me. I had made the decision beforehand to be as honest as I could; the problems I was dealing with were way more dreadful than a medical professional knowing my deepest, darkest secrets anyway. I laid it all out: I told him about the chaotic relationship I had at home, I confided in him the torrid affair I had with porn, but the most important thing I confessed, which was really the main reason that I had taken the steps that lead me to his table, was of my broken relationship with Love.

I Love my girlfriend.

There were times, and those occasions became more frequent, when I could not remember why I loved her. At the start of our relationship, I was so certain about everything. Her smile made me smile almost involuntarily. Her smell lingered in my mind long after it had left my skin. The amazingness of her spirit captured mine from the second she walked into my life. I think it is safe to say that she was the spark that catapulted me onto this insanely beautiful spiritual journey I still find myself on. For any normal person this would be all the reason needed to make a lifetime commitment and to never be hesitant or to look back. Why then did I still feel like inside I was at the mercy of a tumultuous whirlpool? The more I tried to swim, to keep my head above the water, to see her face as clearly as I had that first night, the more I felt myself being dragged below, my eyes becoming clouded by the foam so that all I saw was a shrouded image of her upon a shore I knew I might never set foot upon again. Every thought that went racing through my mind when I felt this incapacitating numbness took me further away from her, further into the dark, dismal depths of my despair.

It is here, at the centre of the black hole that is my heart – or my mind, I cannot figure out which is at fault – that I find myself currently. Just yesterday I loved her like I love the sunrise. I cannot agonise alone anymore. I need to find another human being who knows of my pain and confusion, just so that this characteristic craziness does not consume me whole. Sometimes I feel it might.

For the sake of continuity, I shall continue with my story. At the conclusion of our session, he put me on Nuzak, an anti-depressant, and Epilizine, a mood stabiliser. He said I had something called Cyclothymia. I did not quite understand what these meds would do for my mental state but I was willing to take whatever a professional prescribed, even if the relief was short-lived. I guess I should not have been very surprised when the desired effects began to wane; this torment feels like it’s become my stasis. I cannot say for sure whether my forgetting to take my meds every-so-often has anything to do with it (literature says it does) but the searing backlash brands me, and it becomes increasingly difficult to discern when I am experiencing an episode and when my forgetfulness is to blame. The brand leaves the same burn either way.

Keep working with the psychiatrist. If the meds work or not, you must have that discussion with him. It sounds like you have quite a lot going on and you need an expert's guidance.

A common story with any kind of mental health diagnosis is that the first diagnosis isn't correct. So don't be surprised if you get a different diagnosis eventually. You should even welcome the chance to have a sort of debate with him about whether it's cyclothymia and how you can be sure it's not something else. I mean, don't be argumentative. Just be calmly and rationally inquisitive about how he's sure that's what it is and what you should be doing to find more evidence of whether it is or isn't.

More importantly, you need good results. That may require an adjustment of medication, a change in medication altogether, one sort of therapy or another, and maybe some changes in your lifestyle. That's the most important part of your communication with the psychiatrist. He'll need to assess what's working and what's not. It's more important than whatever the diagnosis says.

It sounds like you're also madly in love but maybe you have doubts that she can handle you. I understand all too well and all too painfully how a partner who doesn't understand can make things so hard. At some point, she's likely to wonder why you behave the way you do. I wish I could say how to handle explaining it. But all I can do is wish that she understands and can support you the way you need it should you decide to tell her.

Best wishes.

Hi, I have been married for 7 months and with my husband for 6 years. I've recently twigged that he is suffering from what I absolutely expect to be cyclothymia. I always new he was depressed but never recognised his 'highs'. I get it now. He has come home after leaving me for 5 weeks, saying it was over and that we've split up. I knew something was up after 2 weeks, more than depression. I went to our doctor and got upset when I explained that I was concerned for my husband's mental health. After a description of my experiences with my husband, my doctor suggested that I could read about cyclothymia. I am certain that my husband is ill with this...I feel terrible for not understanding his stress and illness. He often told me he was " a bit bipolar" but I never took it seriously as I know bipolar is a lot more recognisable. I am dealing with his illness ok but I find it really difficult to communicate with him. He comes across as fine, clever, fun, but there's something missing from his personality. He's distant, irritable and hesitant to be close to me. Cyclothymia is a very subtle illness and I feel lost to know what to do.