I need help sorting this out!?

Hi all!

First of all, excuse my bad english, i am from Norway, and my english is a bit rusty, second, this will be a long post, but i would so appriciate your input.

Ever since I was a child I experienced being depressed. I often cried and struggled with myself and especially my relationship with my body. I had strong cravings, which often ended up looking behind the cabinets for food, this also because i was hungry from beeing put on a starvation diet from the age of 8. I felt emotionally better after eating. From what my mother observed, I have always been overly interested in food.

As a child, I always felt tired and never had energy, and isolated myself often. The most frequent feeling I had as a child was the feeling of not being able to feel joy and feeling like i didn't belong. If fun things happened, I could not get excited or engaged over them, I stood outside and watched others laugh and smile. I liked best to be by myself.

I could occasionally experience "episodes" with overwhelming sense of energy and happiness, I was suddenly social and felt joy, and was very talkative, wanting to burst out with indecent things as well, like I had no limits it felt like, but i always held back. I also felt extreme love for my family, and this was strange , because normally I didn't want love, or physical gestures. The periods of happiness could last only a few hours , until I was down again. I have no idea when this started, because I can not remember having felt different. When it comes to weight, I was very overweight as a child, neighther doctors or parents could figure out why.

From childhood up untill now, I have always had problems with depression and episodes of feeling good. I have also been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which i expect is a cause of lifelong depression. I am very overweight, and I am beginning to see a pattern to why. First i thought there might be a hormonal imbalance, or something wrong with my dopamine, and there is a chance, but I have yet to find a doctor who can help me. But this last year has been hell! It seems this condition has gotten worse after seeing a therapist and sorting out my childhood trauma.

I will try to explain eactly how i feel at this time.

My mood is extremely variable. I can feel amazing for a few days/week ( longest have been 10 days of feeling good). In this state i feel like nothing can hurt me, i feel so in tune with love, the universe, and i have a feeling of having it all figured out, and nothing is impossible. I watch the moon with enjoyment, and can read book after book. If i get bad news or something bad happens in this state , i might get a bit blue, but can easily pick my self up with meditating. I have no desire for food, and don't even think about eating, and don't obsess about my weight at all. Also, i have much less pain, sleep better, and feel very calm. People don't annoy me, they amuse me, and i want to talk to strangers in the shop, smile to people i don't know. I get very creative, writing poems, drawing, ect. My mind is in balance, an my thinking is clear, i can easily understand complex ideas in science and abstract ideas. My self confidence is very good(but not excessive), i still think i am fat, but i don't obsess about it, because i know i will be able to loose weight. I am very loving towards my family and friends, and seek out new friendships and want to bring new people into my life, i often make profiles on dating web sites in this state. In this state i would say i feel everything from normal, to slightly high, depending on the day. I make plans, and want to do everything i can't when i am down.

But then, the "Monster" appears. This happens for no appearent reason, and lasts from 2-10 days, darkness falls upon me, and all the light, energy and will to live is drained. I feel no joy from anything, I isolate myself from everyone, (except my family, because i can talk open to them on the phone, but i will not meet with them ). I don't want to leave the house, and if i do, i feel like everyone can see i am depressed, and i never smile. If i meet someone i know outside my house, i am painfully awear of how i behave and how i am perceived, and try to eigther make it short, or hide, and i feel so awkward. If someone calls, i don't answer, because i just cannot be bothered. I obesess about my weight, and hate myself so much. I think about death. Everyting, all problems grow to become huge! I have major binges, eating 10 000 calories per day, which makes everything worse. I have no self esteem, i am apathetic, no empathy, i vary from not feeling anything, to laying on the bathroom floor crying for hours for no appearent reason. In this state I cannot thing clearly at all, my brain is fogged, and there is a constant stream of negative feelings and thoughts. I also shop a lot in ths state, even if i am aware that i cannot afford it, i can't control it, just like I can't control the binges. I feel like my whole life is spiraling out of control, and i push everything, and everyone away from me. I feel exhausted, and heavy, and there is a sadness that is constant. I also have started feeling some anxiety. The feeling in this state can only be explained by comparing it to beeing drowned, and not beeing able to see the light, fighting to get to the surface. I also try so hard to figure out what is wrong with me, and spend hours googling stuff. In this period i have difficulty falling asleep, and once alsleep, i just can't get out of bed. Also, i get so much pain in my whole body. I can also get obesessive about cleaning and having everything perfect, and generally start obsessing and worrying about small stuff. I also start second guessing everything, like what education i want, ect.

I know i am not bipolar, because i am always in touch with reality, and i do not spend lots of money, or binge while "high", rather when i am down. Also, I am never doing thing that is concidered promiscuous and dangerous.

So my question is, is this hormones?dopamine? cyclothymia? Anyone with the same experience? I am just so lost, and it is progressively becoming worse.

I know i am not bipolar, because i am always in touch with reality, and i do not spend lots of money, or binge while "high", rather when i am down. Also, I am never doing thing that is concidered promiscuous and dangerous.

Cyclothymia sounds like a possibility to me. If you're not going to the extremes you mentioned, at least not while on a high, you may be right about it not being bipolar. Of course, no one can possibly diagnose you over the Internet.

Are you able to see a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist? From what you say, it seems like you don't need help dealing with the ups, but you need help dealing with the downs. When you say you are lost and it's getting worse, you're saying you need someone to help you because you can't do it alone. A professional you see personally is the person you would get a diagnosis from. His or her job will be to consider everything such as you have said here and to ask you about other things that will help explore other possible diagnoses. Always keep an open mind about other possibilities.

I know, many people want to answer the question "what's wrong with me" by coming here. And when we say you have to see a professional to get a diagnosis, you can be frustrated and feel like we're turning you away. I hope you don't feel that way. You can talk to a psychologist and still keep this forum as part of your support system.

As far as whether I can relate to what you've described, my ups are a lot like that. I wish they would last forever. My downs aren't that bad though. I've had the feeling that my emotions were turned off many times. And the negative feelings linger and magnify any negative thought or memory that comes to mind. I don't go on an eating binge and feel weighed down though. Talking to people becomes work. That last thing I said may be influenced a lot by needing time by myself, and if I don't get it, I get cranky even on a good day.

Often, the worst thing about it all is trying to explain it to anyone else. They'll say, everybody has a bad day sometimes. Yes, that's true. But I don't think most other people are feeling like everything's going wrong when it's not.

I think you will probably agonize yourself by not finding someone else to talk to. So I hope you can find a therapist.