Cyclothymia/Borderline PD/?

Okay, I’ve been pretty sure that I’ve had some kind of psychological disorder for almost three years now, since I was 16. I haven’t been to a specialist as such because mental disorders aren’t something I can explain to my parents. Although now, I am looking at visiting one just to be sure. I just want to know what you guys think.

• I have frequent feelings of euphoria and depression. These have varied extremely over the years. When I was around 16, they were incredible and unbearable, almost always following each other. At that point in my life, I was also very depressed and felt caged, thought I was bipolar. As I grew, they became more tangible and I was able to deal with them better after I’d left home and gone to college at the age of 18. I still feel them, and I feel as though I have no control over them, even as I try to emotionally streamline myself now. I used to feel desperation but lately I’ve grown very numb and my states oscillate between being incredibly euphoric or into plain nothingness, or pointlessness. My drive for life constantly fluctuates.

• I have self harmed in the past, and had suicidal tendencies, that are recurrent even now. These tendencies however are mostly passive and I wouldn’t act on them. The need to self harm varies on the level of depression I feel.

• I’ve greatly numbed myself and do not feel pain as vividly as I used to. Nothingness defines my depression. I feel alone and helpless and sometimes wake up in panic in the middle of the night unable to control it.

• I have varied states of over-eating/sleeping and lack of sleep/appetite which are recurrent throughout ever 2 months nearly also accompanied by complete normal states

• My states of high and low can last anywhere from 10 minutes to a few weeks. I do feel normal for periods in between, which can last even up to a couple weeks. When I feel normal, I feel fine and wonderful (not euphoric)

• I used to have very low self esteem and my views of myself changed rapidly according to how I felt. I could feel worthless and dejected and then bounce to feeling invincible and wonderful. These feelings of low self worth have changed over the last month after I confronted my father about some underlying issues, and discovered the meaninglessness of life. I don’t think they are gone but rather that they are deeply imbedded but I don’t care about them anymore

• I have used to have severe abandonment issues, but they have also changed over the course of the last 2 months, but this may also be due to the numbness I feel towards these issues. I have recently gone through some relationship troubles. I have very evident trust issues and do not trust nearly anyone.

• Despite all of this, most days I am able to function properly and I am actually quite happy.I tend to become socially reclusive at times and this leads to either peaceful solitude or depression. At college, I have a bit of a reputation to be crazy and insane.

• I feel reckless and impulsive at times. It makes me feel alive. I crave this feeling.

• I have a horrible attention span. I can’t watch television shows and until recently found it really hard to finish a book (I used to be an avid reader when I was younger). I feel as though my thoughts are racing at times.

• The mood swings tend to leave me quite exhausted. I do not let myself get close to people often, I think it may be because of abandonment fears. My relationships are quite stable even if my feelings towards a person may change continuously.

• I develop very strong emotional relationships with people as compared to the norm, people trust me easily. I have been told continuously that I have a talent for empathy and understanding. I am aware of my emotional power over people and know I can get what I want out of them, but sometimes it happens unconsciously. Regardless, I actually do care about these people and have very strong morals when it comes to keeping their secrets. I do not use them.

• I do not feel needy and clingy most of the time, but there are moments in between. I used to feel empty a lot. Now, I feel nothing or empowered.

• I have a family history of depression, my cousin is diagnosed with it, and my aunt was.

• There are times when I am very irritable and other times when my love for people and the world in general is undoubtable.

• I felt unloved and neglected by my parents for the longest time. I got over it almost completely during the last 2 months. I also think I am numb to feeling that way now, I can’t even imagine it.

• I deal with being alone really well. Most of the time I enjoy being alone, I enjoy solitude. Now and then, usually after some kind of trigger, I feel dejected.

• I do not crave love or worldly attachments as far as I can understand. I crave passion and my common state is being fine and in love with the world and all of its mysteries

I used to be very sure this was borderline PD, but after looking through cyclothymia, I feel like this could be more apt as I do not feel empty or unloved or needy anymore and have states of being normal in between. Your thoughts?

As is often said in these forums, we won't diagnose you because only a doctor who has seen you should do that. It's possible you have both problems. It's fairly common for people with psychological issues to have more than one disorder. It's also possible you have either one and it doesn't fit neatly into the textbook description. That's also a fairly common situation.

If you need a therapist to help you develop coping mechanisms for these out of control emotions, then see one. You're talking about difficulties you've had and have thought quite a lot about them over the last three years. But you're only 19. You have your whole adult life ahead of you. There are many people who don't even begin to get a grip on the troubles they have until they're in their 30s or later and their careers, marriages, and lives are in danger. You seem to be very aware of what's going on before the issue has turned your life upside down.

Same for if you need a psychologist or psychiatrist. If so, see one. Medication is sometimes helpful and you'll be doing some serious work on managing whatever's wrong at that point.

I can tell you from experience, you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out for yourself. You probably need someone who can look at you more objectively and with more training to distinguish various problems. I think seeing a professional is the right next step for you. You can get help establishing to what degree the difficult feelings are interfering with your life and what you can reasonably do to keep that from happening.

Dark_in_the_Light wrote:As is often said in these forums, we won't diagnose you because only a doctor who has seen you should do that. It's possible you have both problems. It's fairly common for people with psychological issues to have more than one disorder. It's also possible you have either one and it doesn't fit neatly into the textbook description. That's also a fairly common situation.

If you need a therapist to help you develop coping mechanisms for these out of control emotions, then see one. You're talking about difficulties you've had and have thought quite a lot about them over the last three years. But you're only 19. You have your whole adult life ahead of you. There are many people who don't even begin to get a grip on the troubles they have until they're in their 30s or later and their careers, marriages, and lives are in danger. You seem to be very aware of what's going on before the issue has turned your life upside down.

Same for if you need a psychologist or psychiatrist. If so, see one. Medication is sometimes helpful and you'll be doing some serious work on managing whatever's wrong at that point.

I can tell you from experience, you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out for yourself. You probably need someone who can look at you more objectively and with more training to distinguish various problems. I think seeing a professional is the right next step for you. You can get help establishing to what degree the difficult feelings are interfering with your life and what you can reasonably do to keep that from happening.

I'm a little bit apprehensive about seeing a psych. I don't know how comfortable I'd be with it. And this is something I really want to be able to deal with on my own. I don't want to be labelled or get medication. I don't want someone to fix me up or stick me with a definite tag, you know? I just need to understand myself. I'm fine and function pretty well most of the time, but sometimes I feel ridiculously messed up.

I think I'm very aware of how constantly changing my thoughts and feelings can be. I understand that to some extent, I need grounding. I'm learning to accept myself and not run away from how I feel or who I am, or the multitudes of the person I am. I have a very rational part of me that can look at all of this very objectively. But as you said, I think I need someone who understands these kinds of things to help me comprehend it.

How was trying to figure it out by yourself for you? How did it help to see a psych? What did you get diagnosed with?

I never actually got diagnosed by a psychiatrist. I was starting to work toward that. I saw a counselor who gave me some tips. A counselor can't diagnose a person, but he can make recommendations that lead to it. And if you don't need a psychiatrist, a counselor can be extremely helpful without the expense of the psychiatrist.

My counselor said he agrees that cyclothymia seemed an appropriate description of what I'm experiencing. I went to my regular doctor to start the ball rolling toward a referral to a psychiatrist, but for some reason general practitioners mostly prefer to try things themselves before they make referrals to specialists. I suppose I could have picked a psychiatrist myself and made my own appointment. But I got an anti-depressant which worked for several months, even though by itself it shouldn't have stabilized me with cyclothymia. So it may be another issue that happens to look cyclical.

After about a year, the anti-depressant seemed to stop working, so I weaned myself off of it. I'm still figuring out what I want to do. One of my issues right now is not having a great support system around me. Apparently, I've been harder to live with than I imagined and even though I set about to try to make things better, my wife thinks I'm just making excuses. She's the one I'll depend on most to make 2nd person observations that I need to help myself.

I've already told you how trying to figure it out myself went. I couldn't stand not being able to figure it out for myself after reading so much about it but knowing also that I probably had a confirmation bias. I wanted to have finally found an answer to why I kept getting these depressive periods out of nowhere. But I didn't want to believe I had a problem at all. So I finally saw the counselor. What helped me accept was when he asked me to find out about relatives who may have had depressive disorders and I found out about two who had bipolar. Things got a whole lot more clear at that point.

Maybe the next thing for you to do is decide whether you really can control this yourself or if you need the perspective of someone else to help you. You're not giving up control when you see a professional. Unless you become so dangerous you get involuntarily committed, it's up to you what you do with his or her advice. And having that perspective can help you gain more control than you ever thought possible.

Thanks for your inputs. I'm dealing with it okay as of now. It gets a little insane here and there but I don't think I could deal with seeing a counselor or someone yet. Especially if there is a diagnosis. All these days I thought I wanted to be sure but now, I think I'd be more afraid of actually having something and knowing my head's a little messed up. Cyclothymia I don't mind, I'm afraid of BPD.

If it gets to a point where I can't handle it, I will though. In the mean time, I'm learning a lot about myself and letting myself ride through it. I've become very numb to most of it, so it's fine.

Thank you so much though! And I really do hope you get better. I know it feels ridiculous sometimes.

itsforthebest wrote:All these days I thought I wanted to be sure but now, I think I'd be more afraid of actually having something and knowing my head's a little messed up. Cyclothymia I don't mind, I'm afraid of BPD.

I understand exactly. In case you decide to see a counselor or other specialist later, I recommend you do a mood journal. It could be a time saver when it comes to probing what's going on. And even if you don't see anyone, the journal could help you look back on the rough times and figure out what triggers them or what works to get through them. It can be as simple as making ten minutes available at the end of each day, jotting some things down about how the day went and how your moods changed and why.

Good luck.

Dark_in_the_Light wrote:

itsforthebest wrote:All these days I thought I wanted to be sure but now, I think I'd be more afraid of actually having something and knowing my head's a little messed up. Cyclothymia I don't mind, I'm afraid of BPD.

I understand exactly. In case you decide to see a counselor or other specialist later, I recommend you do a mood journal. It could be a time saver when it comes to probing what's going on. And even if you don't see anyone, the journal could help you look back on the rough times and figure out what triggers them or what works to get through them. It can be as simple as making ten minutes available at the end of each day, jotting some things down about how the day went and how your moods changed and why.

Good luck.