Am I...?

Hi All,

After coming out of a 'low' mood, I realized how much my mood swings effect others, and how familiar they are to me. So I began looking into disorders that I may possibly have and would like some outsiders opinions. I'll try to be brief, I'm sure everyone says that. ;-P

Where to start? I go through phases, one of which I think of as a 'dark' place in my mind. I feel very down in the dumps, tired, agitated. I have no energy and just want to sleep. I also have an increased appetite and eat a lot more than usual, even when I try not to. These dark times usually only last a few days, but the feeling of hopelessness is overwhelming. I have a very loving family, but when Im in this mind set, I dont feel like I do, and, although I haven't ever been suicidal, I'll be reckless in ways such as reckless driving, taking things I shouldn't, swimming alone and almost enjoying the thought of drowning, etc. I just don't care about anything. I am sad, but typically am too numb inside to cry all the time, unless someone triggers it.

I can have an aggressive side to me, which as I've gotten older I can control. But I'll still have urges to hurt or throw things. I'll joke about plotting someones demise, but inside I'm almost serious. If someone does me wrong or harm, I want so badly to do it back to them. As a teenager, I did assault someone and had a short lived 'legal' issue over it. I am drawn to crimes, and can relate to the suspects...almost understand why they'd do someone harm.

This darkness is almost welcoming to me. I can feel it coming, and almost want it to stay. I can go to dark places in my mind that I cannot otherwise go to in a normal mind set. I have written some dark stories or poems while in this state of mind, and in the past when shared with others, they become worried. I have drank alcohol or caffeine while in this mindset, hoping it'll increase the feeling so I can feel it deeper, especially while writing.

Just this past week I went through a dark time, it lasted only a few days, but I couldn't shake the feeling. It wasn't a productive one this time, all I wanted to do was sleep. I also felt physically ill, which isn't usual for me. People around me were effected by it. Then one morning I woke up and it was gone.

Other times, this has lasted weeks. One time it was about 1.5-2 weeks, it was productive. I began to write a story and got 34 pages written. The story just came flooding out and it was as though I was living what I was typing out. I wasn't necessarily 'low', I almost felt a high, but was not my usual self. I have a strong passion for dogs (my career is based on dogs), but during this particular time, I didn't even want to discuss the subject of dogs, nor did I care about others involved in my canine career. I stayed up late hours, often past 2am. I'm not sure if this was a high or low...I live with other people, but during this time, they were out of town, so I am not sure how it would've effected others.

I also do experience highs. I feel on top of the world, energetic, able to accomplish anything I decide to do. I almost feel too daring, and willing to risk things. Reckless driving also occurs during this, but its in a 'i dare you to catch me' attitude, almost teasing the law. Sometimes I feel invincible.
I am usually a quiet person, but at times I'll just talk and talk and talk. I'll hear myself almost saying things I shouldn't as well. Most people shrug it off, but I have had a few people catch inappropriate things and comment on it.

When I was a teenager (I'm 22yrs now) I went through a depression, and actually out of it I 'created' an alter ego, you could call it. I named the feelings I have, and since then have always just said these feelings/phases I go through are my alter ego. Because these phases feel like someone else, but they are familiar and comfortable. I like them...I usually like who I am during them as well. But it's probably not normal to feel this...

I also have said I have an addictive personality, in that I'll obsess over things, do certain things repetitively...I pick my nail beds when in certain moods, I also have a spot on my arm that I'll rub...I've done this for at least 2yrs and at this point the skin in this area is darker, rough and actually sticks out now. I can't stop it, and I say its my version of smoking. I do feel that if I tried drugs or smoking, etc, I would become addicted due to this personality 'trait'.

I've been doing some reading on Cyclothymia, and many of it rings true with me. I'm sure I've left things out as well, but heres a start, and I'd appreciate hearing what others think...

Hello!

I can't make any 'diagnosis' but can tell you about my experiences and view on cyclothymia.

I only recently got diagnosed a few months ago (although this is now being disputed) after years of not feeling right. The difference between someone with bipolar and cyclothymia is the length of the moods i think. I have quite bad cyclothymia as I've been very suicidal in the past and admitted to hospital but cyclothymia seems to effect everyone differently.

After trying to keep note on how long my episodes last it varies, I can have a low that lasts in between 2 weeks - 2 months and highs that usually last between a week - a month.

Some things you say sound similar to mine however, I cannot say whether or not you have cyclothymia. My best advice I can give you is to go to your doctors/GP's and book an appointment. If it interferes with your daily routine/relationships/work etc ... then it's time to get some help.

I'm 21 now and it's taken me 7 years to get a diagnosis so my advice is that the sooner you seek help the sooner you can start to ease the symptoms and get the answers you want.

Welcome to the forum, TwistedUp.

I may somewhat understand loving the darkness. I don't love it while it's happening. But I often emerge from it with a new perspective on what I want or need to do.

And the creativity on the other end of it. Yep. I used to think I was just one of those lucky people who could function on 3 or 4 hours of sleep without suffering for it the next day if I stayed up real late writing, reading, fixing things around the house, or who knows what. I didn't know it could be the flip side of the depressed feelings I get from time to time. Not that my depressed feelings were really down there most of the time. Sometimes they have been. Sometimes it feels like I know there's love and happiness there but I just don't feel it. I'm numb to it or it touches everything around me but me.

Cyclothymia sounds like a possible explanation for what you experience. You've probably gotten the idea--and rightly so--that we don't want to diagnose you or do anything to make you think our opinions are a fair substitute for a diagnosis. So we're going to speak carefully on that line. What's most important is that if you need professional help managing it, you get it. Whether you need professional help or not, you can keep a mood journal, set aside some time each day to reflect on what has happened and how you feel, etc. A counselor will ask you to do that. If you decide someday to see one, you could already have had several months worth of material for him or her to look at. That may speed along a doctor's diagnosis when that time comes.