Is this cyclothymia?

I am Lisa. 41. I want to keep this short and to the point but it is going to be hard considering the info needed. I will try though ....

Ok background info: I have been officially dx with general and social anxiety. I had a doc once dx me as bipolar (I do not recall the type) when I was 19 but I pretty much never went back to him and thought he was wrong. I have OCD tendencies but not to the point that it is disrupting my daily life.

Fast forward age 40 I realize something's getting worse. I sit down, start writing down things that I live with that are disturbing/uncomfortable to me or that I find to be "different" from other people. I look at the list. I see a lot of things that make me think Bi-Polar, but then I don't feel I fit into some of the criteria. I do definitely feel I have had a LOT of hypomanic episodes throughout my life, but I have never had a major depressive episode (outside of a bad miscarriage and I feel that could happen to anyone). I get down, I get less enthusiastic, I even get depressed, but not MAJOR depression. Ok so here is the list of things I wrote down....bare with me please as it is obnoxiously long.

-racing thought (ideas, art projects, SONG LYRICS, phrases stuck in my head that I heard that day, plans, to-do list)

-feelings of grandeur (not in a delusional kind of way- no feeling of being a prophet or having any special talents or power, just in a "wow I am so freaking awesome" kind of way but I'm not narcicistic and I only feel this way when I feel other symptoms of hypomania. Weird?

-when I get racing thoughts I am EXTREMELY into them. I get overwhelmed by them because I can't keep the thoughts organized and I become obsessed with the fear that I will forget them if I don't write them down or start doing them.

-I can paint for 8 straight hours and if someone interrupts me I am FURIOUS and very put out about having to stop. even to do something for a moment. I am in a zone and I do not want to come out of it. I do it with other activities, but painting is a big one. anything I get "in the zone" about- I get very irritable if something intrudes.

-I have periods (a week at a time) where I can not sleep more than 3 or 4 hours. I do not go days without sleep in the respect that I have not gone 72 hours without sleep, but I have gone days on 3 or 4 hours of sleep per night.

-I have lost possession of 2 cars. Both were paid for and I decided it would be a fantastic idea to go get a title loan against them and use the money to go shopping and blow a couple of thousand dollars in a few days. I could not re-pay the loans so they repo'd the cars. I did this with 2 cars, 2 years apart. I felt so HIGH. I do not use drugs, I was not high on drugs, I was HIGH as can be though on the idea of shopping and just being ALIVE! I literally felt HIGH. I got this idea, did the loan and blew it all. It's crazy. I do this periodically with money I should use for bills and then panic over how i'm going to correct it when the moment has past. I do this several times a year.

-I am not a cutter, but I am a skin "picker". Oh gosh that sounds SO gross.

-I get very overwhelmed by normal daily stimulation. For example crowds, bright lights, tv, radio, people talking in a room, certain textures drive me insane, When I get overwhelmed it feels like I can not think straight, I can not organize all of the information coming into me, I can not deal. It feels like my head will explode or i'm going to "lose it". I have to remove myself from the situation. Sit in my bedroom in completely limited environment and get myself together. I would not consider that to be a depression (that I go to my bed and can't come out) it's more of a self soothing and allowing myself to slow down and regulate my emotions. I can sometimes do this for 2 hours, or 2 days.

-I get irritated very easily. I have NO patience for the most part and then other times I am like the most patient person alive. MOSTLY I am the opposite though. I am very anal about how things are done around the house, my bed, etc and if my "preferences" are not met I get very, very angry. I lash out. I've learned not to break things over the years, but for a looooooong time I did throw and destroy things when I got this way. Only out of extreme practice of self control, I no longer do this.

-I used to steal a LOT as a teen. I feel horrible for it now, but we broke into cars, houses, stole from stores on a weekly basis. it's so embarrassing and I feel great guilt and this does NOT refect who I am at all.

-I have been unable to work for 10 years due to anxiety, but I have literally had about 25 jobs. That is not normal. Some last literally an HOUR and none have lasted more than 9 months. It's ridiculous. I am not lazy. That is not it. I can not deal in a work environment. Social anxiety but is there more?

-I've gotten these "brilliant" ideas that I will spend days/weeks researching and get 1/2 way through going through with them and then nothing comes of them. I will pour hours of my life into looking up info on these topics/plans. I will be up late writing it all down. Thinking of ways to make it happen. These things can be "get rich quick ideas" or extreme lifestyle changes. Like selling all of our possessions, traveling the country in an RV. I have actually gotten to the point that I wasted a LOT of money on a CRAPPY RV on ebay and thought that my husband, myself and FIVE kids could live in this and live off the land and travel and the kids would have this epic life....SO UNREALISTIC. The RV was a heap of crap and we lost a lot of money trying to get rid of it. That is just one example, but things of that nature. LOTS of researching and time spent learning and planning things that I rarely actually complete and usually look back and think "what was I thinking????"

-I have pretty bad social anxiety, but sometimes I get this freaky idea to go sign up for like EVERY single activity at my kids' schools, or recreation, or classes and then I don't show up because i'm too anxious. Not showing up is normal for anxiety, but why the hell do I sign up for all of this crap. I KNOW I have issues grocery shopping why would I sign up to work in homeless shelter or my kids school on a regular basis???

I didn't list things that I know are attributed to my anxiety issues, but if you have any questions just ask. I'm sure I've missed some things but this is a good list to get some ideas rolling..... I'm open to all input and I'm willing to be open with my symptoms. I was just hoping to get some input from actual people with mental health issues and not all of the "clinical" definitions from the internet.

From what you've described, I'd say cyclothymia is a strong possibility.

The usual caveat: I'm not qualified to diagnose you and nothing you read on these forums or anywhere else should be taken as a substitute for a doctor's diagnosis.

But if you've already recorded such details in a journal, you've already done a lot of the work a therapist or psychiatrist is going to ask you to do, should you decide to see one. Since this is giving you such trouble, at least seeing a therapist would be a good idea. His or her job would be to help you develop more self awareness so you can catch yourself heading into any of the not so good states of mind. Keeping those journals is part of it. If you need more help, a psychiatrist would be able to diagnose you and prescribe medication that may help stabilize you or lift you out of depressive states.

I can empathize with you. Being past 40 now, I understand what it's like living since I was about 15 suspecting something's wrong because of occasional depressive episodes that there was no reason for. When I read about depression, I read about problems far worse than I had. So I told myself to just get over it. But only about two years ago, I read about cyclothymia and I felt like I was reading about myself.

I've developed a lot of self awareness so I can catch bad thoughts and bad states of mind as they form. That doesn't mean they don't still happen anyway, but I'm better equipped at setting directions for myself and sticking to them.

Good luck.

I agree with the above ^^^

I've spoke to my doctor about the severity and differences between people with cyclothymia. I get really bad depressive episode and I get hypomanic episodes but I am diagnosed to have cyclothymia and I have not had a full manic episode.

Also experience things you talk about such as racing thoughts, spending (my spending is on pretty clothes, it is bad, but I get nice clothes out of it :p), insomnia, hyperness, hysterical laughter, extremely fast speech, irritability, anger etc ...

I think the thing with cyclothymia is how often these mood swings happen as I think with cyclothymia the mood swings are more regular and considered less severe than bipolar. So keeping a journal is a very good idea as I've started doing that myself on here when I can.

It's a shame there isn't more information available for this disorder.

This forum isn't very active but I tend to browse almost everyday so If you have any questions just give me a shout