Do you want to get better?

For me I suppose it's difficult to say for sure exactly what I want. I don't enjoy being me, having the thoughts I do, saying the things I say, doing the things I do. Some of the time I don't mind so much, but the rest of the time I can't help but to feel like I'm just watching myself do these things.

So yes, and no. I don't like the person I am, and I don't want to get better. I don't want to start being nicer to people I feel I'm not. I don't want to change who I am to be someone I want to be. What I do want is to be someone else entirely. Someone who doesn't hate themselves in as many ways as I do. Someone who is more aware of the choices they are making and more capable of manipulating them into something better.

I feel ready and sometimes hope at times, to wake up while I fall asleep and realize that the feeling of dreaming.. The feeling that I'm not 'me' but that I'm stuck here.. Is justified. So in a way, I don't want to 'get better', but I want to have started from that better place to begin with.

The topic of this thread caught my eye and appologies for not reading through all of it i will at somepoint though.

But i always knew i wanted things to be different i always knew that i didn't want to spend the rest of my life unable to work cutting and in and out of hospital. For most of 2011 i definately thought that that is what my life would be. In and out of psychiatric care continually trying to overdose but pretending to the outside world that i am fine. I wanted it to end i wanted it to be different i just couldn't see how.

It has taken a lot of hard work and determination and fight but i am now self harm free for about 3months! I would definately say i am on the road to recovery to being better. My life now is so so so much better than i could have ever ever imagined no matter how hard things might be there is always a way out and a better side to life. Sometimes a hard #######5 hand is dealt to people but i believe with the right help and support if you want to anyone can get better or begin on the road to recovery.

No matter how hard it was to keep going and persevere through the memories, hallucinations, flashbacks nightmares etc etc i knew that cutting wasn't really helping me long term and i have been hurt enough i have learnt to value myself and who i am. I am beginning to accept myself and love who i am and want to invest in myself and that means no longer cutting even on the bad days i know i have made it through worse without cutting so i know i can make it through what ever is going on now.

I remember having lots of thoughts of whats the point i hate life anyway no one likes me so who cares how much of a mess i am. When i was doing well i would sabotage that because i didn't think i deserved it i didnt think i deserved to be happy because i thought i made so many other people unhappy. I also thought because i did things wrong i had to punish myself. I never enjoyed what i did but i didn't always realise that things could or would ever be better but i always wanted them to be.

You are all really worth fighting for and i really hope that at some stage you are all given the same opportunities to invest in yourself and get 'better' if thats what you want. Life without cutting definately rocks!!! I hope that makes sense and sorry for the ramble

I don't know, this is what i know and have grown accustomed to.
I go between days where i'm terrible upset and depressed ( and i listen to things like hollywood undead, disturbed etc songs )

and days where i think i'm just better than the people who hurt me and i wish them all to hell ( and i listen to the typical '' so over you and your $#%^ '' songs )

There are days when i feel ''normal'' and untriggered, and there are days when i just completely relapse.
I thought on numerous occasions to clear my friends lists and social media of everyone except one person who listens, but then i think '' wether i keep them and they don't talk to me or i kick them off , the outcome is the same ''

It's hard to have the drive to say '' i want out of this and feel normal '' when you know the outcome on social and emotional level is gonna be the same, wether you are solely alone or virtually surrounded by a bunch of c*nts that stopped talking to you ages ago.
I also keep clear of the illusion that behind the thunderous clouds and rain there is a rainbow with sprinkles and happy faces on the end.

i don't even know if i can get better and fight the loneliness, it's been years since i kissed someone or flirted, back when i was like 16.
I'm stuck in this mindset that i never developed the right ''skill set'' for the job and that i've outgrown the learning stage of life where u can try and try and either fail or succeed.

Everyone my age is miles ahead on the love front that i don't even know how or where to begin, and coupled with the fact that i absolutely dread rejection in any shape or form is just another annoying factor.

Yeah, I'm sorta like that, but not really. I don't really know, it just kinda happens and is there. It's like an automatic response now.

a couple months ago i was really struggling and i was feeling either depressed or nothing, i felt like there was no such thing as feelings anymore because i just couldnt feel happy, or scared or sad.. i knew i was kindof stuck in a weird state of depression but i could go without being sad, i didnt believe sad existed, all i felt was a result of whatever was happening around me at the time. when i tried to feel i would push myself further and further into a feeling of depression because it was easier. i thought if im depressed i only have to feel one thing, if i choose to go the other way i have to recover and i didnt want to.. if i've ever been in a nutral state i've pushed myself down, i would make myself cut to stay down.

but as for now, i dont feel like i can ever get better without getting worse.. like in the time that i have suffered i have nothing to show for it but "superficial scars" the more i hear that, the more i want to do real damage..just so its noticed, so that i feel like i've accomplished my task. so no, i dont want to get better, i want to get worse. but i cant do that. i've been through this cycle so many times now that every time it gets worse and now i feel like if i do it again i'll need to do it..right and im not sure what right is yet. for now i am okay and im not actively cutting but the longer this goes on, the harder i'll fall when i realise that its been too long and i cant let the tittle go..

i wont let myself recover entirely, i get half way there and i'll send myself backwards

A part of me wants to get better. That part of me wants my dad to be proud of me. That part wants me to have no secrets kept from my family. But if they found out. I don't know how they'd react to me cutting. My dad already reacted badly to the thumb biting form of self harm because that's what got me referred to a self harming councilor. He might get even scarier if he found out that his daughter was hurting. That part of me doesn't want my dad to be sad. That part wants him to be happy and not fearing the truth.

But then there is the other part of me. I have grown accustomed to the scars, to the cutting. I feel as though going without it would be taking away a part of who I am. I am not a happy person and my personality can seem quite depressing. I have no sense of happiness. But the scars make up for it. They complete me. The cutting completes me. I am who I am and if I try to change I might lose it. I'm already tilting off the edge of my sanity. I need to cut so I don't slip off the edge.

So, that's how I feel. I am split in feelings of getting better or staying the same.

I've tried getting better..I don't like all the drama attention and everything that goes along with it..not to mention the doctors and all the pills..I find if I just stay quiet and do what I need to do as far as hone and work then things are quiet and I can keep my feelings to myself and cut when I need to and no one knows..I've tried for 6 years to get rid of my physical and emotional pain..now I'm just learning to deal with the fact that this us the way things are..so I guess I would say no to your question