Hello, I'm new to the forum

Hello,

My name is Charles and I'm new to the forum, but sadly not new to self injury by cutting. I'm 44 yrs. young and I lost my job and career after a reckless co-worker caused an accident that ruined my back. Now I am 100% disabled, in chronic pain (CP) and fighting for both workers comp and social security disability. I just did 16 days inpatient at my friendly hospital's Psychiatric Unit. Hahaha, I'm released, but I have to wait to find out the multiple diagnosis names I now carry like a badge of honor. The CP and isolation with little hope of a future led me down a path where I wanted to die and I would, still do, cut. I'm still hurting and I fear I will be forced back inside, soon enough. Oh yeah, I'm married and we are trying to have a child together. My wife is the sole bread winner and my biggest fan. No, not my cutting, she doesn't get it...

Charles

Hi Charles

Welcome to the forums.

Sorry to hear you've been struggling with things, and that your wife doesn't quite understand cutting. Please feel free to vent your thoughts as much as you need to here. Everyone here is very supportive.

Keep talking
Lily

Hi and welcome

It sounds like you have a lot going on and i am sorry to hear that. Thank you for sahring your experiences with us. I hope we can support you here - you are not alone

Hugs

Cracked

Hello Charles, i'm sorry you're struggling so much, that seems to be the case on this forum. I hope you find the support your looking for although your wife sounds wonderful. Please stay safe and keep your cuts clean and looked after.

Welcome to the forum, Charles.

I'm also sorry to hear about all the pain & struggles you are suffering with at the moment. I hope maybe you can find this forum helpful & supportive, as we all understand what cutting is like and about.

Do you feel as though you are ready to have a child at the moment? Just asking because of your current struggles, whether or not a child might put more stress on you. Feel free to talk here all you want about anything at all.

- EGD.

Thanks everyone,

Yeah I have a full plate and then some. The CP and isolation sent me to the funny farm, but it wasn't all fun and games. I'm afraid I'll be sent back and at the same time I'm willing to go, but only after I have my medical appts. I suffer from low testosterone, which accounts for some of my depression. While in the hospital I had a medical consult with a endocrinologist who confirmed I have low-T, but he didn't want to treat me. I thought it was both odd and cruel, because low-T results in depression and fixing my low-T might help me feel better. It wasn't going to fix my depression, because I still felt depressed and suicidal thanks to the CP and total isolation at home. Anyways, now I have medication to help combat my low-T issue. Even if I return to the hospital I will have the medication with me.

If I return I hope my doctor is still there and working. She was about 7 months pregnant the last time I saw her on Friday. She said this will be her 3rd daughter! I think she's slightly nuts for taking the risk of having a patient flip out on her and possibly harm the baby and her. It would be both weird and interesting if I return and I get another doctor. I still don't know what my diagnosis is yet. I know the last we spoke she was working on two or three different diagnosis for me, if not more. It's crazy how one can be discharged before knowing what is officially wrong with him. I mean, I know I'm suicidal and cut myself...plus I have PTSD. Oh well...I was told I needed to wait two weeks after being discharged before I can get my diagnosis. I'll be sure to update my profile with them when I get it.

Charles

Hugs hon - keep us posted

Cracked

I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist today.  I told her the truth, that I "faked it, til' I made it" out of the hospital, but honestly I don't feel safe.  I am still feeling suicidal, especially when my pain in a 10+ and there is no relief.  

This morning I tried to sleep in a little and catch up on my sleep.  I woke up around 11am in horrible pain thanks to my Fibromyalgia!  I had to move, but when I did it made the pain worse and I just wanted to cry.  Somehow I managed to get out of bed and started to move a little.  I brushed my teeth and went downstairs where I proceeded to eat breakfast and drink a cup of coffee.  I also called my friend, Mary who had her drug pump implant on the heels of mine.  Even a few hours after waking up in terrible pain, I still had the pain in my back.  I tried stretching out while still on the phone talking with Mary, but the pain level was too much to bare, so I decided to quit.  I completed my call with Mary around 1pm and took a shower that seemed to help wash away my pain.  When I woke up I took a 30mg tablet of Morphine, but it too didn't touch my Fibro pain.

I told my doctor I still have some medical tests I need to complete, which could help me with both my pain and depression.  I have a test of my Morphine Drug Pump on June 1, 2012 and a medical consult with a Urologist on the 4th.  I agreed with my Psychiatrist that if I am still feeling suicidal in two weeks, I will return to the hospital.

Then I went home and proceeded to warn my wife of the very real possibility that I might have to return to the hospital.  She took it very hard and made me feel horrible for even mentioning it.  I don't want to put her through this again, but I do want to be around in an other few months.  She also made the mistake of calling me crazy.  I think it was just a catch phrase, but given my circumstance, it's not funny any more.  I may have a mental illness(es), but I'm not crazy!

I managed not to cry during my brief meeting with my doctor.  I wonder what it's going to be like in my hour long appt. with my Psychologist tmw at 1pm?  Oh yeah, I need to let her know that I'm switching to another counselor who specializes in trauma.   That was one of the recommendations from my hospital Psychiatric doctor.   I think I will bring my iPAD2 to review some of my writings?

Hi Charles

The constant physical pain sounds awful.

Setting a timeframe with the psychiatrist on whether you going back in or not sounds like a fair plan.

I know how much the "crazy" label can hurt, whether it's joking, unintentional or otherwise.

With your psychologist appointment, writing things down is a really good idea. The first session with someone is always a bit overwhelming, and whether you give them what you've written out or use it as a prompt, I definitely find it helps.

Hugs, and let us know how you go with the appointment.
Lily

Lilyfairy,

I appreciate your input and encouragement. As it turned out I canceled my appointment or it ended up being canceled. As usual I had trouble sleeping last night, so I was trying to sleep in, despite my Fibromyalgia. I got a phone call from the doctor's office and my Psychologist who I was scheduled to see later today called me. She said she knew I was switching to another counselor, so she didn't mind if I didn't come in to see her today. What was I supposed to do? I felt her calling me was because she didn't want to see me, so I agreed to cancel the appt. Now I have to wait until next Tuesday to see both my new counselor and my Psychiatrist.

Man I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically.

Charles