Admitted to Rehab :( *Careful trigger*

My name is Tina. I'm 21 and this is my first post. I've been c*tting since I was about 13. I was abused pretty badly when I was little, and just started to hate myself and began to think that I deserve the pain. I feel guilty when I'm not in pain. I always want to be alone. I screw up every relationship because they find out I'm a freak and I scare everyone away. I'm always alone... I hate being alone, but I'm too afraid to open up to anyone. I always get attached and they never stay. Nobody ever stays. Then I'm alone again, and each time it's harder. I get so mad at myself. I hate myself so much, that it makes me happy to hurt myself. I deserve it. I'm so stupid, so pethetic... The c*ts keep getting deeper. They started as a scr*tch by the thumb nail, then paper c*ts, then p*ns, then r*zors, now kn*ves. I'm terrified of myself. I don't know who I am when I c*t. After I hurt myself I feel ok. Sometimes I'm ok for a week, lately only a few days....Then I fall back down, and have to hurt myself again so I can be happy. I need help. I dont' have anyone to help me. Nobody to talk to. I scare them all away. I'm so scared of who I am. The freak I've become.

sweetheart....you have to look deep down w/in yourself and realize you were hurt...you are a victim of abuse in SO MANY ways....the hurt goes way beyond just the initial physical contact.....you were hurt, you are hurting...and not knowing how to properly cope w/ that, process it so that you can put it behind you and move forward towards positive in your life.....none of that makes you a freak. You are very normal. You are human. You are hurting. There are people who care. And many who actually do understand and have been in your exact situation. Just because you feel you've not found them yet....please know...they are out there.

What type of insurance do you have? Can you afford or are you open to seeing a professional counselor? It might sound like a scary start....but they can help you. They will help you understand the whys of what you are feeling as well as teach you how to let go...process it and let go....then they'll also teach you how to love yourself again....how to deal w/ any possible future hurts or stresses....and you'll never forget what happened to you...but once you are better able to understand and grieve it....anytime something triggers those memories....you'll be prepared and you'll handle it w/ surprising ease...it won't cripple you as it does now. You have to first believe....believe in yourself. You are not pathetic. You don't like who you are now....but it can be changed. You can heal. You are not a loser or pathetic...you are not even to blame. You simply are hurt and need to heal.

They are out there? The people who care.... I'd like to believe that. I've heard that before. I've opened up, tried to lean on someone. It's the stupidest think I think someone can do. You start to depend on someone. Then when you show your true inner beast, they freak out, run away liek a dog with their tails between their legs, and leave you alone again, only now, the person you were depending on is gone, so you're even more lost now.. Nobody is strong enough to care about me. I'm way too hard to love, or to care about. I always try to make people hate me. I don't deserve love, don't want sympathy. I want you to hate me... I love to be hated. I hate to be loved. Pretty messed up? I know.
I've been to counseling. It was pretty much a waste. Some were better than others. Most just want to put you on a bunch of drugs. Few really want to listen. Even Fewer wanted to help. although those that said they would help, gave up because they said, first I want to change, first I need to want to help myself. And I don't. I get so much comfort out of pain... I'm afraid to stop, I don't want to stop. It's like it's all I have. If I give it up, I'd be empty. They'd say, when you feel yourself starting to go down, do breathing exercies, read the bible, call a friend..... When I start going down, there is no time to think. No rational thoughts. All I can think is, God I'm so stupid, so weak, such a worthless POS. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be loved? Why do I always have to ruin everything? I hate myself. Then, I punish myself. I hurt myself. I feel relief....... That should teach me a lesson... I can't change. As much As I would like to feel something other than pain, I'm too afraid to accept help. In the end, I always mess it up. Always.

Just thought I'd give a little more insight into what happens when I start to go down. Maybe it will help someone else see signs in themselves or something. Last night. I always stay busy. If I get bored, my mind starts to wander, starts to think. Thinking is so bad. Every thought, even a good thought, heads right towards being a really messed up thought. I don't think I had posted but my mother is one of the 2 people who used to abuse me. She is insane, so I know she didn't mean it. But I was just a kid, so it still really messed me up. I ran away from home several times. The last time right when I turned 18. I ran 5 states away. So now I'm in the middle of nowhere, don't know anybody. Well she found me again. I got a call from her 2 days ago. She says I took away her will to live when I left. That she is heartbroken, feels like a bad mother etc..... She does like always, tries to blame me. Tries to hurt me. Well I thought I'd be ok, but the urge to C*T myself into shreds keeps getting worse now. So enough background info....

Here's what I do.

I got bored right when I got home. Looked for something to do to keep my head clear.. Cleaning. I clean and clean and clean.... I'm always cleaning. Keep busy tina, dont' think tina... I scrubbed my kitchen floor till my hands were raw. Then I went to get a few groceries. I get home, I'm putting them all away...... The phoen rings.. answering machine picks up... "Tina? ... click" it's the psycho. I drop a jug of orange juice on the floor. It explodes, runs all over my clean clean floor I spent half the night on....... F***CK! I freak out. Start shredding paper towels, throw stuff everywhere trying to clean it all up. It's not the same.. it's sticky now.. I tried so hard to clean that floor, now it's sticky. WHy did I drop the stupid orange juice? Jeez! I fall on the floor, so angry, start crying, start pulling my hair, and screaming... I start to try to do my breathing, in through the nose, out through the mouth, 123... 123... count back from 10...9...8.. I'm shaking by now, gasping... screw it.. I crawl over the floor to the silverware drawer... reach inside until I find anything sharp. A Hotdog tongs, that one like a fork only with 2 prongs... That will do just fine......... I c*t myself from the wrist to the elbow, 2 straight lines one from each fork. Not too deep..... just enough to trickle.....enough to hurt... You stupid piece of crap. Feel better now? yeah, I do.

I had my meeting with the psycho doctor a few days ago. THey usually have a doctor examine me to see If I've done any recent c*ts. Which they always find a few, mostly small ones, sometimes more. Well, they found some that made them very "concerned". SO I c*t my wr*sts a bit... not too much.. Now they think I'm all fricking suicidal. Whatever. Why does everyone instatnly think that? If I wanted to k*ll myself I would c*t alot deeper and longer than a few inch slices. So, they are admitting me into rehab, where I have to be monitored and have to meet with people and "talk" about my problems.... sigh.... THey said it's just like an addiction, I can't stop. They are right. I don't want to go. I go in tomarrow morning, so I'll be gone awhile. gone until the 27th if I have any progress. I had to tell my employer about my "problem" now he thinks I'm a freak too. THey want to keep me all locked up by myself for "reflection" and make sure I can't access anything sharp. Ha. I'll find something. I'll lose my d*mn mind if I don't. I am trying to be positive about it. It's pretty terrifying though. Anyone else been to rehab?

Hi Tina, after chatting with you for quite a while now from the other side of the world, i got to know a lovely and friendly lady who is able to chat my ears off when i let her and also showing me a person who can be a real sunshine.

Now you passed me the link to this topic and different things got clear to me. One was the will to chat out freely, but also having a scary feeling towards me.
Another was the way you can act towards other people. It was familiar to me. And now I read all this, I know it. Your way of acting is the same as both my sisters did for the major period of their lives (3 and 6 years older than I am). Both my sisters have been abused and one reacted all her feelings towards me (her little brother). We we're fire and water in one room. Allways figthing and messed up. I never really told anyone about this except those who were included. Never mind.
Anyways, that was one of the familiar things in you towards me.
I'm not saying I know your feelings and all that crap, because i don't.
Also, I'm not feeling pityful or feeling i want to keep my arms around you to give you a feeling of protection, because all that is just plain crap. You can perfectly take care of yourself.

You might have the feeling you need to hurt yourself because you think you deserve it, but there is nothing i can do about it. I don't know what it feels or how to handle such idea. All I know is that you have to stay strong and get to know yourself better.
You know why? The way you act to others ain't the way you are not, it is the way you just are if you want it to be so. You cannot be the way you want to be if you don't find yourself first and get to know yourself.
You clean and clean and you think you are a freak or whatsoever simply because you are scared you hurt yourself and in the same time to feel you deserve it because you have been abused so you think it must be true and on the other hand it ain't true and you know it.
Pretty bloody confusing if you ask me. So you will have a bit of a road to walk to get true this.
All I can say is that I will just be here on the other side of the world, just being the Cupido you met due Utopia, a silly non realistic game, just being here and listening, chatting and laughing with you. I am not feeling any different, if I ever would get in the USA, I would love to visit some friends I've made there and that includes you.

Tina, you are a lovely and pretty strong personality and with the knowledge I have of you, I have all the convidence you can't overcome but will learn how to live with this.

Means no more cutting for you young lady.