The New Crisis Thread

A tranquil environment sounds good. I’m struggling for words today, but please be kind to yourself and look after you first and foremost

TRIGGER WARNING

That tranquil environment did not work. I did it again along with taking more klonopin. This time I did it in a different spot which is going to require wearing a hoodie/sweatshirt at all times. This situation I am in is tearing me apart. I just want to die. And I AM NOT going to the hospital. Only this time isn't as bad, but it still ######6 hurts. I am going to sleep now and pray that I never wake wake up. My life is ruined.

If I do wake up, I have therapy at 3 PM and I am not saying a word. I am not going to the psych ward, and I am not going to be made to anymore drugs, and I am not gaining any more weight. I am done with this life.

RIP me.

Jellybeanery I am very concerned about what you have written, especially the RIP bit. I get the weigh gain part about meds. I get the feeling of betrayal. I get the not going back to hospital. I also get the giving up on yourself, but this is the depression. This is the illness taking over. YOU are better than the illness. Don't let it pull you further into its well of despair. Reach out in 3D. Take some control back. Find that inner strength. That bit that is allowing you to post. That bit that is still wanting to be helped and use it. Use it to fight. I hear that you're hurting, but you can survive this and move on. Take baby steps, but get some help in 3D.

Be safe

Safe hugs if ok

I agree with smurf here , the RIP bit concerns me too, definitely use the 3D support you have, hospital is the fear i totally understand that ..but deep inside your body,mind and soul you can gain the strength again, just focus on finding that strength its in there like Smurf said.

Gentle hugs

Hugs, Jelly!

Let us know how you're doing! I second what Smurf and Ech have said... I'll also add, that if the b/f was the one who made a mess, this is so definitely not worth SH over. You sound as if you intellectually know this- don't insist on making this your fault then hurting yourself over it.

And there are other b/fs.... there's always someone else.

Let us know how therapy went. I understand- I wouldn't ever want to go to hospital... but please reach out in 3D if you need to.

Thank you so much everyone, it really does mean a lot and you all have great advice. I know I am a strong woman, but sometimes that strength just runs out. I'm sure you all know how it feels; to be emotionally exhausted. Completely drained. That is how I feel.

And it's not just my bf. It's my life in general. I had no idea it would end up like this. I've been depressed since I was a teen, but I thought it was just "normal teen behavior" and I'd grow out of it. But I never did, and it just got worse over time. And here I am now, at 35, with nothing to show for it. I want so much in life, but it's just so hard. Almost impossible. I won't say that I have fully given up, but I am starting to. The Bipolar I diagnosis, the episodes that come with that, and the things I do and feel great regret and shame afterwards, all of my hospital stays, all of the meds, all of the side-effects, all of the weight gain... I just feel like I am a lost cause. And I do not want to be around any longer. At this moment, I am not suicidal or thinking of SH. But I am depressed. These suicidal thoughts come and go, but I will not act on them.

I went to therapy earlier and told her all of what is going on. She asked if I hurt myself and I lied, which I feel bad about. But I just don't want to be sent away.

I have been talking to a friend about this, and my sister has been great with supporting me. My bf is coming over in a bit so we can talk about things and work this out. I really hope it goes well.

Hugs Jellybeanery.


I am absolutely distraught just now.

Thank you for the hugs, smurf. And hugs to you, if wanted.

I'm sorry you feel this way now, but I hope it is temporary. Stay strong.

~

I think I am safe now. I have not SH'd or had thoughts of suicide. Although I am still "punishing" myself by not eating. It's going on... 4 days I think? Where I cut first does not hurt anymore, but the second place I cut still hurts a bit. I should probably wrap it back up after I shower and clean it. I still just feel down about doing this to myself.

So glad you're better, Jelly... I don't think many of us see ourselves ending up the way we do. Materially I'm all right, but it all hangs by such a thin thread, I don't feel as if I've accomplished a single thing worthwhile in my life.

What's going on, Smurf? Anything besides what we already know about? I mean any changes for the worse? Talk at us here or PM me if you need to vent sweetie.

I feel the same way, Snaga. The age I am, still living with my mom, not working... I feel like a huge failure and a loser. I try to occupy myself with projects, but sometimes it all just comes crashing down and I end up hurting myself.

About that, the second place I cut I wrapped in a bandage and I was in my room just wearing a tank top. My mom and sister came in and saw it and I just felt so ashamed. But like I said before, I think the crisis is over, and I can move past this.

Thank you everyone for your support, it really did help me. Hugs to all, if wanted.