one of those moods..

i havnt cut in a while now, thought that this recent lapse,the one that caused so much trouble, had gone away, and i think it is gone but then lastnight, uhh yup, i was playing with a blade again. i didnt actually cut myself properly but i nicked myself in a few areas, like my hand and wrist.. very unlike me. and i was in one of those moods.. the one where im not fully myself, not quite me but i can still think like me. acting odd and ever slightly detatched.
i wasnt dissociating but i was telling myself that i would forget by morning like i was and i could just let this turn into one of those times where i wasnt with it, and i wasnt but,..i was. i was telling myself i wouldnt remember and the scary thing was that i didnt. i completely forgot about a few parts of lastnight and until i saw the marks id forgotten i made them. like the random half cut on my chest. but what i could well remember was when i was about to slash open my face.. its scary,its really really not at all like me and its not right. i almost did it but i went against it in the end because of people. but at the time it was probably not at all different from the scars on my legs, since my scars have consumed me lately i just find it so hard to see the difference and there would be none if it werent for the fact that i have to hide them.

but the worst part of today was that i was thinking about lastnight when i decided to give myself a friction burn and it hurt like ###$ when i kept rubbing it afterwards, just to make it hurt. but when i told my boyfriend and i said i dont know why..
he said that if i was going to hurt myself for no reason so would he and he cut himself.
there was nothing i could do because it was through text, and that was the point. he told me he wanted me to feel the way i make him feel. he doesnt believe that i already understand, then he cut himself again and it was deeper and he kept biting it for blood. i hated myself..
he did this in spite of me.why? i already know what im doing to him but now im hurting him even more i cant do this..he had to show me and it hurts of course and i hate that he felt he had to show me how he feels. i wish i could do something about it. i was also so worried because hes trying not to slip back into his depression again atm so him cutting wasnt good at all. and i feel really bad for doing this to him...

i dont know what to do.and i dont like that mood lastnight...well actually i did, i kindof like feeling like tyhat which makes it even scarier. i worried him and im worrying me now..

Hugs hon - it sounds a really difficult situation to be in. I am glad you are talking about it here tho. When do you next see a professional hon?

Keep safe

Hugs

Cracked

i wont.. i dont have a therapist or anything and i would go to the school councellor but, the summer holidays just started

That is a real bummer. Do you know of any support groups around you? Meeting ppl ftf who know what you are going through. I dont get on with them myself but for a lot of ppl they work really well. It might be worth having a look on google.

Hugs, keep talking and keep safe

Cracked

hmm,na theres nothing where i live. but theres no way that i could do anything about it anyway, whenever i leave the house its like "where are you going? what are you gunna be doing? be home by this time,stay in that area, i'll ring you"
so yeah..
do you think that i need professional help?

and im glad that my boyfriend isnt going to be so stupid as to cut in spiteof me again,

vampiregirl, i'm sorry you find yourself in this position it sounds really tough for you. I think professional help irl would help you because you would have some one who can work through this with you and would be able to guide you etc in the best way.

Thinking of you and sending you hugs

xXvampiregirlXx I think you do need professional help. I encourage you to do everything you can to find some support, even if it means you need a friend for an alibi when you go for counselling. I don't know how your community works, is there a help line that can get you started?

Take care of yourself and let us know what you decide,
Sam

How are you doing vampiregirl?

Hugs

Cracked

hmm, thanks guys for your replies, there isnt any way that i could go to therapy or councelling or whatever here, not without telling nana. and right before christmas im not surei want to tell my family that im still struggling with cutting.. i dont want them to know at all.

a helpline might be a good idea, im not sure what there is but i should find out. maybe in a magazine or something.

cracked- im okay, but my boyfriend is turning depressed again now and i cut myself lastnight,i told myself i wouldnt and i didnt think i would but its because me and my boyfriend were talking about something..of importance should i say and i guess that started me off.

and now im pulling out my eyelashes..which i shouldnt do, i really want to keep those for christmas..

i didnt think i was that bad that i need help,

I think you need help hon

Hugs and keep safe

Cracked