feeling #######5

I get so run down from my family, and I don't even know why. Talking to my mom on the phone just now, I felt overwhelmed, and I'm just glad to be done with the conversation. I tried to bring up the cutting in a non-chalant way...she knows about it but tends to avoid it. This time, we were talking about the non-epileptic seizure I had, and she was saying all kinds of "it was probably brought on by your anemia" etc. I'm smarter than that. I know that they are induced by stress. She just doesn't like it that I refuse to blame the stress on my Dad(who I just recently got to know again after being estranged from him and his family since I was 10). My Dad is a truly loving parent, and she doesn't want to ever acknowledge that This is hard for me. God forbid my stress just might be a result of her not being the oh so perfect parent she believes herself to be.

So anyway, I told her, no, maybe it happened because I stopped cutting for a little while, and she got all silent. When I asked her if she was feeling uncomfortable, she said no, she just "loves me so much, and go through it all for me, just like Jesus would." I am a Christian, but sometimes this is much for me. Whether she wants to bear it all for me or not, this is still my cross to bear, so her saying that really doesn't do much good What I really want to talk about is how devastated I am that my family life was never normal, and still isn't, now that I'm a returned castaway to the "good" side of the family after 13 years.. And she doesn't want to hear that. Because she doesn't think it's true. She wants me to stay away from them. But I love them

Thank you for letting me pour out these feelings. If anyone has support or words, I appreciate them, but I don't expect them. I know my burdens are confusing and complicated.

Hugs hon

I am sorry you have this relationship with your Mum and that she is bringing faith into it too. I have a complicated relationship with my Mum including never talking about cutting or abuse stuff. She is a vicar and I am a Christian but I dont like talking with her about faith stuff, that is my business not hers. I am sorry you are struggling and I know my experiences are not the same as yours but I think I have some idea of how you might be feeling, and even if I dont you are not alone.

Cracked

Thank you crackedgirl. I wrote in my journal and had a good cry, so I'm feeling absolutely drained right now, but I appreciate your response. While I'm sure I'll still have cuts by next session, at least next time in therapy I'll have something else to show her(my journal) in addition to the cuts. Perhaps the cuts help me prove how severe my pain is...at least the journal will give words and explanation to them. Because the words are gone once I'm in session

Thinking of you and if i can help at all please let me know

Hugs

Cracked

hi divided I agree with Cracked and keep talking here if it is helping. I am nearly estranged from my mom (she only talks to me to find out what to buy my kids for gifts). So I understand. Please if you are exhausted try to rest, ok, Just put your stuff beside you and try to rest. Sleep is the best medicine. I like your idea to write in your journal esp if you cannot find the words in the session. I think this will help communicate your pain. Well done.

Be safe,
Sam

I'm sorry you feel sad Divided truth. You deserve to be heard and should be able to make the decision as to whether you see the other side of the family if that's what you want. You are an important person and should be allowed to make choices that make YOU happy. Keep safe.

Mystic

when i was going to the school councellor (for a short time) he gave me a book to write in, like a journal. he told me to write anything i thought was relevant and to always mention how i felt before and after i cut to help understand .. i think it was good because like you said , i often kindof lost my voice when i went in. im sorry to hear things are difficult with your mum.
i may not fully understand but you have my support