How do you feel today? *may trigger

reminds me of when I used to get panic attacks, no clear reason for them, but they happened. I think sometimes stuff just gets bottled up, then has to come out.

I feel like my soul has been rotted out completely.

Last night I lost it and attempted suicide again in the garage, tho gave up near the end because I could do it right. After freeing myself I then had an episode on the floor. "Comforted" myself by masturbating to my abuser while beating myself up as punishment for being too retarded to do anything right. Cut on myself some too. Made a mess that I'm not sure I cleaned up properly.
Spent hours frozen and empty. Could help but to stare vacantly at nothing. Even when I came back into the house. Moving around was a bit difficult, tho I wasn't very drunk. Couldn't even cry about it, feel too burnt out.

Our dogs were whining in distress in the meantime. Our oldest dachsund was really upset about it. They're the only ones who know about this at the moment. Likely gonna keep this event secret from family.
I expect my psychiatrist to be upset about this when I tell him. I'm still on the waiting list to get into more intensive therapy program. Possibly support group as well.

I haven't been doing sh for some time now, but I started to get stronger urges for the last few days.

Hiya everyone it's been a couple of months since I last posted here. I've had abit of depressive mood recently but I'm now getting through that. I've been going to a local gym for about 2 months, and though I've noticed postive changes - I want to tone up my upper body and lose my beer belly - I was still doing the 3 exercises I was given when I first started at the gym. I got talking to someone I used to got o school with and they recommended their personal trainer. I met with the trainer, and the first thing he said was that I wasn't eating enough calories. The idea of eating loads put fear into me - I've struggled with eating disorders in the past. Then came the new exercises - There was one thing that the trainer out 20kg onto it and asked me to do an exercise, but after a couple I felt like my ankles/feet were going to break but he pushed me to do 15! On another machine he put 30kg and asked me to push it up with my legs, but again I felt like this was too much to start at. He just made me push and push! He told me that a woman had deadlifted 145kg the day before - which didn't appeal to me - I'm sure he wants me to become a body builder/strongman - I just want to tone up - not become the next Arnold Swarachernegger!

Back to the food - I've increased the amount I'm eating, but I literally weigh every portion of separate vegetables, potatoes and meat before I put any on my plate. The food is piled up that high, I literally have to stand up to eat, and eat in the kitchen because if I sit down and look at the plates mountain of food I start to make myself vomit. Yeh, I've vomited some food back up the other day. All this sent me into a depressive mood - I seriously thought about self harm - but I knew if I did I would wreck my gender transition. Then I started staring blankly alot - for me it's a sign of depression, i struggled through a gym session, but I just wanted to cry.

I feel like i'm out of that depressive mood now though. It's my birthday in a couple of weeks and I've organised a party at a local pub and invited loads of people that I used to go to school with. It's a birthday party and a reunion rolled into one!!

Today was a really, really bad day for me. I work in a job where feedback via a star system is basically everything to me, and I didn't get a good rating from someone who literally gave me a good rating before. I lost my temper, everytime someone does this, it jeopardizes me. It's like the black mirror episode "nosedive". That's my life. And lately, I've been feeling thoughts of self-harm because I hate my job SO MUCH.

I don't want to upset my boyfriend but self-harming. But it's really hard. I spent the day asleep instead.

The last three days were some of the worst. I basically spent the days sleeping, and the nights surfing internet.
No eating, no showering, nothing. I didn't get up from bed for three days straight...
Today is a lot better, I managed to get up from bed and go to school. But SRRI is beating up my bowels real bad.
Wanna sh and get drunk af, even though I know it's not the right way, and this dissonance is pushing guilt to consume me.

It's been over a year since I've used this forum so here's how I've been doing. I joined here like 3 years ago when my s/h was at its worst. I was cutting daily in any place I could possibly cover up. Talking with people on this forum was the only support I had for a while. Eventually life got better and my depression episode ended, and even though it was still difficult to break the addiction (and there have been several minor relapses along the way) I'm currently sh free. I seriously can't even bring myself to do it when I really need the escape, which I need because my life has once again become incredibly miserable. This isn't full-on depression, (I'm on lithium for bipolar which seems to be balancing that out..) it has more to do with my life situation. Because of my bipolar disorder my parents don't want me to smoke weed. I smoke several times throughout the day. Sometimes after I smoke my weed at a friend's house my parents give me a ride home and smell the weed on me, decide that friend is a bad influence and refuse to let me visit them anymore. They cut me off from certain friends for other reasons as well, but that's the main one. Also I'm 21 and marijuana is now legal here in Canada, just saying. The few friends I have permission to visit have been extremely busy with school and work and consequently I've spent the last 4 months or so almost entirely isolated. I'm deeply passionate about comic books but the more depressed I get the harder it gets to read. Also my parents took away all of my favourite mature books and even through a couple out when I was in the hospital for bipolar disorder last. That triggered some nasty burning. They gave them back 6-ish months later but I'm scared that their religious views/concern about me being weak-minded due to mental illness will cost me more of my most treasured possessions. Obviously I need to move back out but having severe scoliosis and being in and out of the hospital for the last couple of years hasn't helped me make any progress. I just lost my 4th job this year because a company over-hired staff and had to let me go right after hiring me. The job didn't aggravate my back pain much and I worked with some friendly people that were great to talk to. Suddenly I wasn't so horribly lonely any more. I got one guy's phone # before my contract was cut so I may have at least made one friend. Anyways, this job strung me along and played my emotions perfectly. At first it seemed too good to be true and I naturally was terrified of losing it but by my final day (the 3rd day) I had become quite comfortable there and was already fitting it into my long-term plans. When I got the call that my contract ended I immediately felt a need to cut. I keep a knife under my bed for just such emergencies. But I couldn't. I'm too afraid of the pain. The urge died down after a while but it's still there, just like my daydreams of suicide that my past attempts have made it perfectly clear that I 'don't have the guts', for lack of a better phrase. Sorry for the really long post but that's how I feel today!

A while after my last post in this thread I set out to get drunk. I'm definitely not a regular drinker and while I was drinking it occurred to me that I might have enough alcohol at hand to kill myself so I drank until my memory went blank and the last thing I remember was stumbling around the forest totally lost. Apparently I made it back home and my parents brought me into the hospital where I came to with an insane hangover. They're gonna keep me at the hospital for now cause I'm kinda suicidal. Also my parents searched my room and took some of my stuff again. I know they're gonna make my life even worse when I inevitably have to go back to their home. I still can't manage to sh. I want to die even more now but seeing as how this was my 4th pathetic attempt during the past year I doubt that'll be happening anytime soon.

Okay so I went back home to my parents house and I've relapsed into sh quite a bit and I'm planning an actual suicide attempt now because I just keep thinking how I wish I'd never woken up from my last "attempt". Should this be on a crisis thread or its own thread now?

pencilsNcigarettes wrote:Okay so I went back home to my parents house and I've relapsed into sh quite a bit and I'm planning an actual suicide attempt now because I just keep thinking how I wish I'd never woken up from my last "attempt". Should this be on a crisis thread or its own thread now?

When you reach the planning stage you "should" seek help IRL immediately. I put the word should in quotes because if I did that I would become a frequent flyer at the ER. I guess you kind of have to know yourself. You are on lithium so you have bipolar I, yes? When do you see your pdoc next? Can you call and schedule an immediate appointment with them?

pencilsNcigarettes wrote:I drank until my memory went blank and the last thing I remember was stumbling around the forest totally lost.

I know somebody who has BP (didn't know it at the time) and did something similar after a job loss. They didn't make it out until after search and rescue was called and actively looking for them. That got them a 2 week involuntary stay at the psych hospital. Be careful.