How do you feel today? *may trigger

More stabile tho still have cutso n my self.

i don't think much of them afterward the act, jus t blemishes ot me now.

havne't tried ot kill myself. family is as apathetic as ever. my progress toward hawaii, is stable tho i havem ydoubts it'll pan out.

trying really hard to think theings wont just go to $#%^ again. trying really hard.

Hiya, It's been a couple of months since I posted here - I'm great. I hit 6 months on testosterone last week. I'm a very happy man!

Hi, I am new here.

Its been months now that I cannot sleep at night, sometimes for a day or two at a stretch.

I am feeling emotionally confused today, like I usually do whenever I end up requiring SH.

Though it is good to read about other people today. I thought I was alone and weird. No one really understands me usually, even when I am the go-to person for advice and help for many people. Its funny I think, how all of them are sleeping soundly now and I have no one who, at the least, understands what is going on, nada.

Its probably the first time in years that I feel not-so-hidden-in-plain-sight, after reading all the comments here.

EverythIng is hell. I am the worst person. I am so so awful. I am ashamed of myself for my feelings. I want to cut myself so much. I have promised my therapist that i will not self harm.
I have promised her to try. I cannot afford to loose her. I will stay strong.

I really need someone right now

I just can't do it anymore. People just keep rejecting me and I can't figure out why. It's so depressing because I'm an adult male and everyone sees me as a normal, fairly attractive, nice person. But nobody knows my true pain everyday. The worst pain, inside my head. I can't ever get anyone to care about me, nobody will be my friend or even want to spend a minute longer than they have to with me. I'm starting to ruin relationships with family because I'm just so depressed but I can't even tell them. Instead I just choose to avoid. Women are totally out of the question, i'm either rejected within 5 mins or everything goes well when I meet them or text, but then when it comes to actually going out they cancel on me just like everyone else I've ever met. How could I be let down by so many people? Is it just written on my forehead that I shouldn't be given the love of another human being?

The few friends I used to have don't seem to care anymore, they all moved on with life. Not even a single text or phone call. ever. I try to shake it off, but every day it just comes back stronger and more painful, especially after a let down.

I just don't understand. I try to be friendly and interesting. People smile at me, I'm told that I'm fairly decent looking, but after about 5 mins I might as well be a rock on the ground to them. I think even a rock would get more friends. I know I shouldn't self pity, but I really don't know what to do.

People say to shake it off, or get out of my "funk", or to go join a club.. but it's just not that easy. Even joining a club i still get rejected.. and now any time i do something I feel like it's for no reason and that there is no joy or accomplishment..

I'm on the verge of a real scary crisis and I know it.. and I'm scared of what will happen. I'm really really scared

I just want to.. because I know that no matter how hard I try I can't escape this pain and its tearing me apart from the heart. I've been unable to stop crying and sh.. i don't want to go into details. I'm just so trapped and I don't know.. I'm sorry

@garrett90 - I am really sorry for what you are going through. And I can 100% relate about not having any friends, and nobody being very interested in me. I have bipolar, with much more depression, which is a really deep and dark depression, and it's a scary place. If you feel you are unable to handle anything right now and you are in that deep dark place and scared for yourself, or what you might do- please, consider going to the hospital. You will be safe there, and maybe you can learn some coping methods to help deal with that internal pain. There is help, and there is hope. If you feel you need to talk to someone, you can pm me if you want. I'm a friendly person who knows what you are going through. Although you feel you can't talk to people in person about this, we are anonymous here, and it's a safe place full of support. You can get through this.

~

About me, I am in a dark place at the moment. I briefly thought of suicide, and then turned towards wanting to SH. I haven't done it in a year (more or less) which is a great improvement. But something triggered this tonight and I badly want to SH. And I very well might. I just took some klonopin to calm down, and it's a bit past 6 am and I should be sleeping. But that need to SH is there. And I most likely will, with the pathetic tool I still have that wasn't taken away from me. It will most likely make me "feel better" but that's just a temporary feeling. And I always feel ashamed afterwards because of the progress I have made with not doing it; resisting the urges. But I don't think I can resist this.

P.S. I am sorry if this is too graphic. I am used to the bipolar forum where you can't go into much detail, and I'm sorry if I did this here. I just needed to let out my thoughts, and eventual actions. When/if I do it (emphasis I when) I will report back here. Probably with great shame and disappointment.

I did SH. And it's really bad. It really hurts. I tended to it with peroxide, antibiotic ointment, and gauze, but maybe I need a tetanus shot. But I'm afraid if I go to the hospital they will send me up to the psych ward because these cuts are not going to pass for anything else but SH. I have already been in the psych ward 6 times, and I don't want to make it a 7th.

Like I said in my previous post, I am deeply ashamed for my actions. Although it felt good at the time, and seemed like the only thing I could do, it really hurts. And I'm disappointed in myself. I made so much progress in the last 2 years with not doing it, that I am so disappointed that I resorted to this. I failed. And my sister just hugged me and said she was proud of me for resisting it last night. But I didn't tell her today that I did eventually do it, and I don't want to fail her either.

Hugs, garrett!

I used to socially isolate myself- I still tend to be a loner at heart. I used to feel rejected all the time, still have to struggle with those feelings. For me, they're mostly inside my head, I think. I wish I had words for you, but I might find myself asking more questions. I don't understand why you feel things crash and burn so quickly when with others, without being able to personally observe.

Hugs, Jelly!

I'm sorry to hear you've relapsed.

I'm glad you've been tending to the cuts (having read this after responding to you on the crisis thread). I know we can't give medical advice on here, but it's my understanding that tetanus would be more for something that was really dirty, puncturing you... and things exposed to the air, like a cut, would not be as likely? Still, if you have doubts about the integrity or the cleanliness of the thing you cut yourself with, consider getting an update on your tetanus. Although I know you want to avoid being put in a ward again- can't fault you for that, sweetie.

Try not to SH any more. But don't beat yourself up too much, either, okay? I think any length of time without SH is something to remain proud of- and if you've gone over a year before, you can do it again, you've proved that. It's a relapse- it's not a failure. I look at my self harm (which is comparatively light compared to a lot of folks here but still SH is SH) as an addiction, like booze or drugs or behaviours like gambling. I go on the assumption that I'll never be free from the at least infrequent urge to. I mean, if someone has an addiction, they can go a long time but they're 'recovering', never 'cured'. I assume I'll never NOT want to SH, ever. But if I can go a long time between SHing, then good for me, that's my goal: to SH as little as I can. I 'relapse', but I don't see it as a failure, because looking at it as an addiction, that's something I figure will always be there with me. As long as I get back on my feet, dust myself off, and cease self-harming again for a decent length of time, I feel okay with myself.

Oh and you haven't been too graphic, sweetie- we will edit if a person speaks numbers: how deep, how many times (unless it's zero, I'm more than happy to let people say they've made 0 cuts today!!), exactly how long and exactly where, etc. We prefer those things remain a little vague, I reckon to prevent it becoming a contest (I know in the eating disorder forum we police for numbers as well, to avoid it becoming a competition to see how disordered we can be)

But your post as fine afaic.

Now I might as well update.. yes, I've SH'd. I went a long time without having any real urges, but lately it's gotten tempting again. I've been suffering a lot of new work anxiety, of a slightly different nature than what I've suffered in the past. So it's fresh, it's new and sort of unknown problem territory for me. And I've been feeling shaky, very shaky- my muscles are always tight so unless I'm doped up on a sleep aid, I'm shaky and wound up. The other day at work, I gave into the temptation to do a little burning, just to try and make that go away for a moment.... ofc it felt glorious, when the expected relief hit. I was so wound... well, not was, am... so wound up and tense, that I barely felt the burns themselves- but the action of it is what seems to provide the relief. Very temporary, though- measured in mere minutes, and I know better, but sometimes things just get too much. Often times, I'll get ready to do some burning, and then get busy and forget to. But sometimes it'll get thru and I'll do it. It wasn't too bad, but still. I've been fairly good with not self-harming, I don't bother count days/weeks/months without SH, it's not something I do constantly and I'm not going to beat myself up when I do- but I do try not to. However I can see how I'm going to be fighting more temptation for a while, until some of this anxiety burns itself out. So I might be posting more often in this forum....

Oh Snaga, I am so sorry, I posted in the other thread before reading this and I did mention where (but not anything in more detail than that, or what I used, etc). I don't know if it is too late for me to edit that out now, I am so sorry.

Someone else in this forum read my posts and sent me a pm saying the same thing you did; it's not a failure, just a relapse. I have been struggling with this since I was a teen, and there have been times it was really bad, and then long stretches of time that I didn't do it. And like you mentioned, it is an addiction, like drugs, alcohol, etc. There is no cure for it. So what you said does make me feel better, and I thank you for that. Although I do still have urges to keep doing it, I am really trying to resist it, and it really is taking all of my strength. And I don't how much of that I have left. I'm hoping once I get some much needed sleep, that when I wake up, I might be able to better deal with this, and not be in such a bad place.

~

I'm sorry you relapsed as well. And I get what you mean. It does feel good, although it is just temporary. When I SH, I don't feel the pain as I do it. It's the aftermath that hurts. I also feel I will be posting in this forum more often lately. I hope we can all support each other.

If you'd gone into TMI, I'd have edited, don't worry. I didn't, so you're good.