How do you feel today? *may trigger

Hi Lily, thank you for replying.

You're right, it's not productive, but I'm not sure how to stop comparing myself to others, or how to stop being concerned with how bad or not bad I'm SHing and what that means.

I'm not sure what makes me not SH when I get the urge to. Generally, if I get the urge, I just go through with it. The times recently that I didn't have been only times where I was too sleepy to SH and then have to deal with the cuts afterwards, but that's not really under my control, and times when I called my psychiatrist, but that's a bad thing to rely on because I can never call her too late/early or at her office hours. I mean, I never really talked to her about her availability but it's just what I assumed, to not be so disruptive.

I'm not sure why calling my psychiatrist helps. I guess maybe when I talk to her I make it "official" that I'm suffering in a way that SHing would. Maybe it also gives me some hope. I don't know.

I've tried some strategies for not SHing before, like holding an ice cube, screaming into a pillow, exercising, and punching a pillow. However, they always just left me with even stronger urges. And when I try to avoid cutting like usual, I just end up doing other forms of SH. Particularly, I start hitting myself or hard things that hurt my hand or pulling my hair (not plucking it out, just yanking it).

Maybe I could try other strategies, but I'm not sure if any would help. Reading the ones on the thread, I only imagine them leading me to SH anyway. I feel kind of hopeless in terms of being able to quit SHing honestly.

For me, alternate 'unpleasant' things never really helped- like I used to snap my wrist with a rubber band until it was red, but it's just not the same thing as my 'proper' SH was.

Ultimately like Lily said, for me it came down to 'no I'm not doing it' and just riding out the urge. Like anything it's something that takes practice, and with practice, it got easier, until I no longer thought of SH on a regular basis. Here lately, I've had plenty of triggers for SH, but fortunately it's been long enough since I was in the habit of SH, that for the moment, it's easy to not go there. I know if I started SH, it might quickly become a coping strategy once again, and that's not a place I want to go to.

I think something that's important is to not stress over perfection. I mean, try to ride out the urge, and if you don't- and don't expect yourself to not SH- no problem. You'll make it a little longer next time. Just try to make it a little longer each time before giving in to the urge. I didn't stop my SH overnight. I also didn't particularly note when I gave in or how long I managed to go between harms- I just kept at it deciding 'not right now' until one day I realised I was no longer doing SH.

Thank you for the reply Snaga.

That's what I feel as well, that none of the alternatives are as "good" as actual SH. I think that's why trying anything like that inevitably has just lead me to SH anyway.

I think you're right that I just have to not SH enough that I'll overcome the need to. Now is not the first time that I've SHed and it would not be the first time that I stop either. And every time it was a matter of not doing it here and there until I wasn't doing it altogether. I guess with the exception of one time that I quit cold turkey, but that was a special circumstance.

The issue is choosing not to do it at any given time I feel like SHing. The urges are too strong right now and I'm at a terrible time mentally and otherwise. It seems impossible and, worse yet, wrong to not SH when I get the urge to.

It feels like I've never been able to quit at all with how impossible it feels right now. Like I can't even imagine it. Maybe I need to get better before I can stop, I don't know. Medicine hasn't been enough to kill the urges. I'm supposed to start therapy again soon but that in itself is a trigger to me. And my willpower alone doesn't feel like enough.

I hope I can stop soon but even typing that is hard because in my mind I'm like "are you sure? Can you cope with anything without this? Can you survive? Wouldn't you rather hurt yourself more?". It's really hard.

Giving up SH entirely likely feels impossible at this point. But the thing is to start small and try to stretch out the time in between. At my worst, I think I was harming every second day, so it became trying to stretch it out to maybe three or four days, and from there to maybe every five, then to once a week. There will be slip ups along the way, definitely, but even if you do, you can use what you got through without harming as motivation to make it further next time and your next goal to achieve- where you can go "I got to five days, so it's possible to do that again". And to not be too hard on yourself if you do slip up- the main thing is that you're working on it.

I found eventually I was stretching it out further and further. And after a while, you stop counting the days.

Finding coping methods is individual to each person- some people go for substitutes like holding ice blocks, or the rubber band on your wrist thing. I found distraction more helpful to me than alternatives. I also used to post a lot here when I was struggling and found having supportive and understanding people around me was big help- I had some other friends living close by who were at a similar point- and bouncing things off each other helped. If you find something that helps you- make note of it for yourself and see if it helps again next time. Start with a small goal for yourself first.

The thing is it seems impossible to not SH even one time that I get the urge. Really the only way I've been avoiding SHing near daily is accidental: I've often been getting the urge really late at night, when I'm too tired to do anything.

But that's only a certain number of the times. There's others when I get the urge earlier and then it seems unavoidable to do it. I've tried avoiding it and distracting myself but it basically feels like I have no choice. It feels like SHing is what I'm supposed to do.

After about a week of not SHing while getting urges (because of the late at night thing), I was really afraid I'd lose control as soon as I cut again and that I'd go too far.

Thankfully, this wasn't the case and I didn't SH any worse than before.

After this, I felt like I was in control of my life despite all the signs that I'm not. And a couple days later, I cut again.

It also wasn't any worse and was "controlled" but I started feeling urges and visions of what exactly "uncontrolled" would be and started planning for it.

That was on monday. I haven't SHed since, and I'm afraid of what will happen when I do.

At the same time, I feel like I have no choice but to go down this road.