things are getting messy again :'(

I want to cry so bad, just bloody ball my eyes out.... but i cant the tears are not physically there. I envy anyone who can.
My thoughts are becoming entangled and buzzy and angry and messy. Im worried that i'll end up doing something stupid again.. Feel hopeless.. I want to burn, i havnt hurt myself in about a month and before tha about 7 months, but i want to now have for most of the past two days
Starting to have feelings of not wanting to exsist again... maybe its because im lazy and the road ahead is still long.

Why do people ask me "what would make me feel better" or "what do i want to happen" apart from hurting myself. I havnt got a clue, never have done. I find it a real unanswerable question I've tried all the alternatives to self harm tips and tricks if thats what they mean, dont think there is anything that can relive it all.. like im set on a self destructe mode and thats it. does anyone else know when they feel at this point what they need or want?

been up all night, gave up on sleeping at about two, i know if i lay there long enough i will eventually drop of, but its the laying down for hours in a dark silent room for hours while all my thoughts and worries go through my head while my partner sleeps peacefully next to me that i cant handle.
I know my sleep effects how i function and my mood the next day and in turn a bad night means a fairly bad day which leads to another bad night and so on. so theres a bad day ahead of me now.

I know i need to not think about all this as the beginning of the end, as it will just lead to the end. but i dont know how else to think about it, its how it feels.
like im holding on to a mountian side thats slowly crumbling away.

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Miss-messy wrote:Why do people ask me "what would make me feel better" or "what do i want to happen" apart from hurting myself. I havnt got a clue, never have done. I find it a real unanswerable question

Yea, I find this to be the most ridiculous question. Some dont understand that at times there is nothing to substitute for cutting. Funny, how people ask that to divert you from what you really want, which is in fact, to cut

I've tried all the alternatives to self harm tips and tricks if thats what they mean, dont think there is anything that can relive it all.. like im set on a self destructe mode and thats it. does anyone else know when they feel at this point what they need or want?

No, I did not cut last week when I wanted to, and it drove me into the pych ward. I honestly believe that cutting is not bad, because there is no substitute. I am not encouraging you to cut, I am giving you my feelings on it, and relating to what you are saying. I kind of need to know the same thing you are asking too.

I know i need to not think about all this as the beginning of the end, as it will just lead to the end. but i dont know how else to think about it, its how it feels.

Why would you deny your true feelings? If you want to think of it as the beginning of the end, then do it. These are your feelings, and they are NOT bad, they are there to teach you something. Go with those feelings, and explore them. Don't deny and supress them, this is the worse thing to do.

I am really sorry you are struggling. I know too well the feeling of wanting to cry and not being able to. Please keep as safe as you can and keep posting here. Thinking of you.

Cracked

Miss-messy wrote:I've tried all the alternatives to self harm tips and tricks if thats what they mean, dont think there is anything that can relive it all.. like im set on a self destructe mode and thats it. does anyone else know when they feel at this point what they need or want?

InvisibleGhost wrote:No, I did not cut last week when I wanted to, and it drove me into the pych ward. I honestly believe that cutting is not bad, because there is no substitute. I am not encouraging you to cut, I am giving you my feelings on it, and relating to what you are saying. I kind of need to know the same thing you are asking too.

Cutting is our way to try to cope with things. I started cutting because I tried to stop binging. Just like people will eat more when they try to quit smoking, or the way some toddlers start sucking their thumb (when they previously didn't) when you take away their pacifier.

We can't "just stop" cutting. If someone tells us to just stop cutting, they really tell us to stop coping. What we need is to learn some healthy way of coping. It's no true that there is no substitute. Not that I know how, but other people seem to get it right, don't they?

Thank you for your supportive replys, sorry i took a while to get back.
Im feeling okay now, and can see clearer. Contray to what felt then im not slipping all the way back down. I'm still quite away from suicide, im okay, I did harm, but just a bit...

Yea, I find this to be the most ridiculous question. Some dont understand that at times there is nothing to substitute for cutting. Funny, how people ask that to divert you from what you really want, which is in fact, to cut

Yeah these questions seem stupid and irrelivant to me. So they ask these questions to try and distract you from what your driving your self mad over? How the hell does that work, just makes me feel more helpless.
Are they expecting me to know the answer? Should i? Surely if i did i wouldnt really be wanting/needing to harm.

No, I did not cut last week when I wanted to, and it drove me into the pych ward. I honestly believe that cutting is not bad, because there is no substitute. I am not encouraging you to cut, I am giving you my feelings on it, and relating to what you are saying. I kind of need to know the same thing you are asking too.

Exactly, my harming is quite safe at the moment. Someone said on a helpline once if not doing it is causing me this much distress and a can keep my self safe, then go ahead. Actually having someone give me the "okay" lifted a hell lotta of pressure of.
But i know my reasons not to, ive managed to imprint them in my head, and they tear me apart when im feeling the need.

Why would you deny your true feelings? If you want to think of it as the beginning of the end, then do it. These are your feelings, and they are NOT bad, they are there to teach you something. Go with those feelings, and explore them. Don't deny and supress them, this is the worse thing to do.
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Mmm its tough... I know sometimes im in danger of running away with my fears instead of "exploring" them and then getting lost in them, until i cant see out.. i guess this is what a threapist is for, exploring it all with someone in a safe place. Also not sure if their really my true feelings, if their actually really mine...

VenusWillendorf wrote:

Miss-messy wrote:Cutting is our way to try to cope with things. I started cutting because I tried to stop binging. Just like people will eat more when they try to quit smoking, or the way some toddlers start sucking their thumb (when they previously didn't) when you take away their pacifier.

We can't "just stop" cutting. If someone tells us to just stop cutting, they really tell us to stop coping. What we need is to learn some healthy way of coping. It's no true that there is no substitute. Not that I know how, but other people seem to get it right, don't they?

Yeah ive noticed if i dont harm, i do someting else self destructive in place without thinking.

Trying to just stop would be like coming of meds with no steps...
Your right, other people must of leant other ways to cope, know people do. But dont actually know anyone who has, but the mods.

Cracked, may i ask how you personally cope?

Again, thank you for relating, its really constructive

Hi,

You asked how I cope. Well sometimes I do and sometimes I dont. I can't speak for the other mods but I def still have my issues it is just I have worked hard on them and am starting to come out the other side.

With cutting I have not cut since february. This is down to work in therapy and stubborness. I am working on little me who has been through so much pain, neglect, abuse. She was really hurt and she used to hurt herself too - I have SH since aged 5. And she does not need to hurt anymore, she doesn't deserve it. I write to her and she writes back. I want to look after her. Does not mean I dont have urges, I do all the time, but I think about her and about all the horrible things she has been through and it stops me from doing it. Initially it was difficult and I pinged myself to pieces with an elastic band and drank too much but it is a lot easier now. I also dont want to disappoint my therapist but I mainly dont want to hurt little me.

As for ED, which is another form of self harm, it is one day at a time and sometimes I mess up, but on the whole, now I understand why I do it it is a lot better.

I think it helps that my BP meds are more stable now.

One thing that really helped me aside from my treatment team is posting here - I realised I was not alone and there were other ppl going through similar things, and stuff I posted which I expected ppl to hate me for was accepted. Talking it out helped a lot.

I hope now I can give back some of the help I have had to help others and so the cycle continues.

Hugs

Cracked