Me and my self injury.

I hope this doesn't trigger anyone, or anything like that. I don't intend for it, but if the admins feel like it does then add it too the topic topic.

So, I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, or on this site. I think it's time I need to tell people about my issue, it's a little different from common self harm methods like cutting or biting. Basically, I pull my toe nails out. You probally think it's all very strange, but bare with me.

It started I think when I was about 16 years old. A table was dropped on my feet and as a result one of my toes got all messed up. I was picking at it one day, not with the intention of pulling it off (I've always picked at scabs since I was a kid), but it got pulled off. It seemed like it was "dead" anyway, and didn't hurt too much. But the feeling I got, it felt good, like a release of some sort. I couldn't get it out of my head, the way the nail pulled back and slowly came out. That night I pulled off another toe nail, this one hadn't been damaged, and it came right off. Now, when I say I'm pulling out my toe nails, I don't just mean the top part, I'm talking about the whole thing, skin get's lifted and nail from under the skin is ripped out too. Skin tears, and blood comes out, it can get fairly messy sometimes.

Anyway, for a fair while now (I'm 24 now), I have regulary done this. I sometimes go through long stages of nothing (I think up to a year was my best), and then other stages where I'll pull one or two out a day until I have none left. Or sometimes I'll pull one out and then nothing for a few weeks. I think what's possibly the worst part about this, I ran out of "ammo" so to speak. I only have 10 toe nails, and when they are all gone, that's it. I have to wait untill they grow back.

I can't say I've told anyone. Although I do lie about it. I've been to the beach, or been waring sandals, freinds may notice and ask where some of my toe nails went. I make something up, and quickly move the conversation on.

It doesn't hurt as much as you'd think. I mean, obviously pulling them out at the time hurts like hell, but the moment it's ripped off from the skin, the pain fades away quite quickly. A few hours later, they might throb and hurt a little bit, and the following days they might be a uncomfortable if I'm walking or doing excersise but even the discomfort from this I find somewhat pleasing.

I'd like to know what my triggers are, because I have no clue, and never have. Reading about this sort of stuff doesn't trigger me, so I suppose it's something else. I wouldn't say I get depressed, no more than the regular person at least. Feelings of depression seem natural, and may occur for me once or twice a year for a couple of days, but there is no connection with the feelings and the self harm. My life is decent, I have trustworthy friends, decent job, I'm always happy and enjoy life to the fullest.

I think some methods of dealing with whatever it is I have to deal with would help, I actually just pulled the last 3 toe nails off I had before writing this, so something needs to be done I suppose for when I get the urge. Generally jogging, writing and other creative things that I do often surpress the urge, but these haven't been as effective lately.

I always thought it would be something I grew out of. 8 years down the round, apparently not, so It's more than likely time I get $#%^ sorted.

Hi, November! Maybe you have an addiction. People can experience a kind of euphoria when they feel pain and they need it more and more. Yah, exercising and keeping busy can be good ways to fight the urge. You could find something new. Maybe a support group for people who self injure or even some therapy.
You've come to a good place, the posters here are very nice.

Hi November,
I just wanted to know if you are still on this site and still practicing the same issues you described? I am very similar in my actions and just wanted to know if we could share experiences. Let me know. Thanks