Why I Cut

I have been thinking a lot about why I hurt myself. Cutting, specifically. I realized that I like seeing the scars. It feels like it brings the inside pain to the outside. It makes the emotional scars visible. I can't tell people how much pain I'm in, so maybe they'll know if they notice my scars. It's a silent way of saying I'm really struggling and would love some support, but I can't ask for it because people fail me and abandon me every time. Just sharing this here to see if anyone else finds it relatable.

Hello and welcome- I think a lot of people will find that relatable, not the first time I've heard that explanation. I only halfway relate to it myself, though. The light (mostly) burns I used to inflict upon myself are partly wanting to wear the ugly that is 'me' on the outside (a lot of self-punishment in my case) but at the same time, I'd be very adverse to someone figuring out what was going on. But then, I'm male, so you got that whole 'can't be weak' thing going on, even though I'm nothing but.

Still, I can savvy the idea of needing to wear what's inside, on the outside. I think I feel a little of that, myself.

Having said that, I hope you're doing well and not actively SHing.

For whatever reasons (addiction to broadcasting your hangups on social media as some sort of virtue-signaling hair shirt?) we haven't been busy here for quite some time now- not that I'm complaining, I hope it's because fewer people SH these days, but you never know. But still the forum is here for your help. If you get bad urges, we have a stickied urgent thread, in addition to a How're You Doing? thread that people can use for day-to-day venting, musing, or updates on their struggle

Wow, Snaga, it has been YEARS, LMAO. I didn't even look at the dates. Now I feel like an idiot, but thank you for letting me know.

How do I find the "stickied urgent thread". I may want to check it out; I'm not sure. I am actively SHing, but what's the big deal with that? It's just skin, right? I feel like it's just a distraction from the things that are actually hurting me. SHing is the least of my problems. What difference does it make?

Anyway, thank you for reaching out - and sharing a little of your experience. I do appreciate the struggle men have to deal with regarding not showing any weakness. I can imagine how hard it can be to feel safe and accepted in being vulnerable. <3

Hey and welcome,

Your skin is actually a very valuable organ of your body. It keeps you warm, cools you down, protects your vitals from harm and disease, reflects the state of your physical health etc.
I understand why you do what you do. You're certainly not alone in that thought process. I used to harm my body for different reasons, but I've found that rather than stopping entirely, it's better to lessen the damage from the harm. I've developed an addiction to rubber band snapping over this actually. Then again, I didn't want people to figure out and you seem to want them to figure it out.

Gonna just go ahead and recommend a therapists. Sticky threads should be pinned at the top of the subject's board.

All best,
~ Grey

Thanks, Grey. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Skin may be an organ, but it heals up pretty quickly, and cutting is very surface.

I don’t know why I feel the need to clarify, because I’m sure it doesn’t really matter. I don’t want people to see the cuts. If they saw the cuts, they would just think I was a freak. I go out of my way to keep them well covered until they heal. I didn’t mean to imply that my goal is for people to see the scars. I like to see the scars. I just don’t care if people do see the scars, because then they’ll know (theoretically), the pain I carry without me having to say anything. I say theoretically because I don’t really believe that anyone notices them, or gives them a second thought.

I have a therapist. He’s not particularly helpful. Lol.

As Grey said, stickied threads will always be at the top of a forum regardless on the activity on ordinary threads.

And it's only the surface, until it isn't. Always the risk of cutting more than you mean to; always the risk of infection, etc.

Thanks for clarifying about the visibility thing with the cuts/scars, it does matter, and it does help the rest of us understand where you're coming from.

I would say I'm glad you have a therapist, but you don't seem to think they're being much good, so, yeah. Is there any chance of getting a better one? I know some people here who have had to kiss a lot of frogs before finding a decent one.

Thanks, Snaga. Yeah, man, I struggle with that every day, but I really like him and I've been seeing him for over a year now, so he knows me and my story pretty darn well, and like, we have a relationship, you know? It sucks having to start all over from scratch. He means well, but I just don't get the sense he's very well versed in SH. At the end of the day, it's my problem to solve and I'm the only one who can choose to treat myself differently. I'm not entirely sure how someone else can help me with that. I know what I'm supposed to do. I have lots of tools in my tool belt. I know all of the DBT skills, I just don't always choose to use them.

And I sill have no idea where these "sticked" threads are you're talking about. I don't anything anywhere that is marked "Urgent". Just the tabs with all of the general forum topics at the top. Sorry, I'm clueless and mystified, but it's okay. It's not urgent.

Well it's partly my bad for implying 'urgent' was in the title

cutting-self-injury/

The stickies use icons that look kinda like light bulbs, and they always stay at the top of the forum topics listings, even if they stay dormant a while. The New Crisis Thread would be the urgent thread for people who are fighting strong SH urges and need support. You'll also see a stickied thread for just general how are you feeling one-off posts that aren't of an urgent or crisis nature.